Is it such a bad thing If I don't have children?

[Notsure54]

I'm 25 soon to be 26 and have pcos hypothyroidism anxiety depression and schizophrenia. Im not 100% on not having children because I do love babys but at the same time I know it will be a struggle for me to conceive and carry a baby of my own not to mention the problems my child might have due to my illnesses and the medication I'm on. I think about it alot as I always hear guys and other woman saying ill regret it if I don't have children and will end up alone with cats. Don't get me wrong I love cats but the way they put it. Its like its a bad thing. In the media it's very romanticised online having children and a blood line. I dont care about ending my bloodline tbh. It was never spectacular anyway. Is anyone else the same or older with the same issues and haven't had children and not regretted it?

I wouldn't. I have a great life without children and have never regretted it. Perhaps I will be flamed but it's dreadfully unfair to have them when there's a chance you might be too ill to take care of them.

I'm a big fan of kids. And cats. But it's not for everyone. There's no right or wrong way to live your life. You may find a partner who doesn't want kids. You may have an amazing career. You may travel all over the world. There are lots of worthwhile things in life the don't include kids.

Nah.

I've two. They're a bit annoying, really expensive and not all that tbh.

Nah. It's heavily romanticised. The reality of a baby can be pretty horrific.

Works wonderful for some, terribly for others.

It is absolutely ok not to have children. It’s entirely up to you. Try not to let others influence you here. Do what’s right for you.

I think if you have any kind of mental health challenges then it’s wise not to have children. Children can be very emotionally and mentally draining and if you struggle anyway, you’ll find it 100x harder.

Surely no one still thinks having children is just ‘what you do’, like ageing and taxes, or that being afraid you might regret it when you’re older is a valid reason for creating new people, especially with a serious MH condition with a significant heritability factor?

I know many childfree people and none have regrets, but lots of parents do.

Look at bloggers. There are thousands of miserable parent blogs lamenting their “hard”
life, but I’ve yet to see a blog about the misery of childfreedom.

Just to give an alternate view. DD’s “DF” skipped out of her life with no explanation over 5 years ago when he was sectioned, diagnosed with schizophrenia and “having an additional personality”. I only know that he’s alive because we get regular child maintenance payments monthly.
DD was 7. He also left behind a 3 year old from another relationship. I have CPTSD (partially due to him), and now autistic 13 year old DD who often physically attacks me. I can’t talk for schizophrenia but I have had to take fairly heavy duty meds for years to cope day to day. I literally cannot sleep without my meds.
I lost two babies. I have 9 cats. I’m pretty much okay with where I am in life but will definitely regret not trying to have another baby when the choice is taken out of my hands. I guess my comment is a bit mixed bag. Sorry :(

I'm 37 with depression, OCD and anxiety and also recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I've never wanted kids and so far no regrets. A sibling has schizophrenia and that's also a reason not to have kids. Although it's always a risk regardless of genetics. Our parents were healthy happy and well-adjusted with no mental illnesses and us kids are anything but well-adjusted so it doesn't always correlate. We were all fine as kids (although I swear I had depression back then) but once we hit adulthood that's when the issues started. I think a lot of parents are trying to help their adult kids navigate relationship breakups, addictions, depression etc. more than ever these days. Parenthood never ends.

To me you can't put a price on peace of mind and not getting that call in the middle of the night. I've chosen a much more stress free easy life and I'm happy to forego any benefits of having kids. When I hear of people desperate for them I just thank my lucky stars I don't have that urge. No regrets especially with how the world is.

Don’t be dictated to by societal expectation even though it’s hard not to. Being child free is becoming more accepted & being responsible about bringing a child into your life & the world & realistically evaluating if you are capable or have the resources to do it should happen more & be commended. You don’t need to feel less than for not wanting children nor should your reasons & your chronic health issues be minimised or not taken into consideration when others are preaching about what you should or shouldn’t be doing with your life. They don’t live in your shoes with the challenges you face. That being said if you do choose to then that’s your choice. But you can be happy & fulfilled in your life without kids & liberated by living life on your own terms. Don’t be bulldozed by others & do what’s right for you.

Look at the mumsnetters without children thread and search for child free not child less.

The happiest women are single child free women in their 40s statistically!

I always wanted my own child so would have been very to not have one, I feel sad that I might not have a second but equally if I don't I will ensure that I use the time to pour into myself and building a great life for me and my son

Focus now on hobbies and rewarding relationships and helping yourself to be as healthy as you can

This is a very good point they are only a baby for a year which flies by

Ps if you like babies but are uncertain about having your own, when your good friends start to have them they would love you to offer to go round and spend time with then both and cuddle their baby while they shower or have a nap or do their admin on their phone etc. I did that for my friends with kids as I had mine later than lots of my friends and all these kids adore me and see me as an auntie now - one even shared he had to do a piece of writing about an adult he likes that isn't a family memeber and he wrote all about me :-)

I'm a mum and glad I'm one. But I have many friends of all ages who don't have kids. My parents and in-laws also have friends who are in their 60s and 70s who don't have children. All are happy, regret free and lead full and interesting lives.

The most important thing is to lead the life you want and make the decisions that are best for you, not what society expects you to do.

Yeah this is definitely a strong consideration!

OP you might end up meeting a partner with kids and being a step mum too (although check out the step parenting board on here as this comes with lots of stresses!)

Sorry this sounds so tough. Please get in touch with your LA early help service to see if they can provide respite care for your daughter and you

@Notsure54 I'm 43 with a 15 and 16yr old. I was 26 and 27 when they were born. I've struggled with parenting from day 1. Literally day 1. I cried for 3 weeks when I found out I was pregnant with DC2 but couldn't bring myself to do anything about it having been through all the scans the first time around.
It didn't get any easier. The worry, stress, anxiety of raising kids who have since been diagnosed as neurodiverse just cripples me. I could have had a fulfilling life without parenting.
I'm counting down now until I get a bit more freedom.
Just one perspective of motherhood 💐

Absolutely the happiest middle aged women I know don’t have children and are off to gin festivals and sports events and weekends away at the drop of a hat! I think staying child free is a great option for you, if it’s what you want. You can live your life exactly as suits you best and focus on what is important to you. You can achieve so much.

I do believe people are happiest in a network though, so you might have to make an effort to be in a different form of supportive network to the norm. My experience of caring for elderly people is that children are brilliant when you are old and confused, nieces are second best, so be kind to any nieces or nephews.

This is my problem - I have no children and have no way to be in another network as I am an only child. I am absolutely terrified of what will happen to me when I am old, and for the last 2 years, I have thought about it every second of the day. I fear being old, alone confused, abaonded and abused. I wake every morning with anxiety in the pit of my stomach and it never leaves me. I am lying in bed right now ready to face another day full of sadness and pure fear.

I have cats, no children, and I don’t regret it for one moment.

@Strawberriesandpears have you heard of childless collective (used to be gateway women)? They have online support and do in person meet ups, it’s a good way to make friends with other women who don’t have children (not by choice). There are childfree (by choice) support groups too. I joined both in my 40s. I have been making new friends, everyone I’ve met is lovely, we have WhatsApp groups too and it’s fun, positive and supportive.

Thank you, yes I have visited the Gateway website before. To be honest, I found some of the articles on there more upsetting than uplifting. For instance there is one about dying alone. I think it was actually the trigger for a lot of my fears. However, the support groups and meets up are perhaps different? And I am glad you have found them so helpful. Thank you for the suggestion!

My mother has a lot of mental health issues. These ruled our childhoods.

my sister (mid 30s) has very similar mental health problems. She’s has chosen not to have children because of this as she would never want to do to a child what our mother did to us and she doesn’t trust that she won’t. It’s the right choice for her. She’s never regretted it so far.

How can you have no other way of being in a network apart from having a child or siblings? Some of the most well connected and socialable people I know either are only children or don't have kids.

I work in adult social care, assessing those care packages. By far the least lonely elderly people I've met are the ones who have been involved in their community, churches, hobbies, groups etc and many of these don't have children either. It's the ones that have completely absorbed themselves into their nuclear families with no other connections outside it that are the most lonely as their children are either working full time, busy with their own commitments or have moved away.

And the overwhelming abuse of older people comes from family themselves. You just don't hear about it.

You've posted many posts about it. You have no idea how your life will pan out, you may not even need care when your older. You could get run over by a bus this afternoon. The only thing that is sure that if you do get older, you'll completely regret wasting life feeling scared and sorry for yourself than actually going out there and living it.

You only get one shot at life. It's up to you how you want to live it.