To say the behaviour crisis in schools can't just be blamed on parenting

[Sendcrisis2025]

I speak as a mum of two children with EHCPs and someone who is a SENDIASS officer, name changed to protect my identity/job.

There is a strong rhetoric from the teaching unions this week about behaviour in schools and poor parenting. No mention of the bigger picture, just poor parenting.

My DC are 10 and 8, just two years behind them. When DC1 was a toddler there was a huge range of groups, support, targeted interventions through the local sure start centre. These were already being cut by the time my DC2 was a toddler. Then covid happened and the services and groups have just not returned. There is no early support anymore.

One of my DC is a challenge in school, fortuantly she is predominantly a flight risk rather than violent but still a behavioural challenge. We have had one physical incident where she shoved a teacher. Pure combination of factors that had led to DC being enclosed within a corner by several children and with nowhere to escape to she shoved to escape. Unacceptable but that was the reasoning of why and she was suspended for two days etc. She struggles to cope with the sensory demands of mainstream. Too many children, too much going on. They fly through the content whereas she likes to master things in depth before moving on. Too many low level behavioural issues like children who just don't ever stop talking. She can't navigate social dynamics. None of this DC can cope with. There is a lack of consistency in the school day and the routines. None of this is the school's fault but realistically how it is in every mainstream school. We are struggling to get her moved to a specialist setting. She has no learning needs and generally with the one exception, she isnt violent so the SEMH schools are not appropriate either.

My other DC would never dream of acting out, is not a behavioural issue at all despite his needs.

Based on the unions DC is entirely due to my poor parenting. It doesnt matter that DC2 is a behavioural dream. It doesnt matter that I have no behavioural issues with DC1 at home where it is quiet, the same rigid routine for the past 6 years and less social demands. It doesnt matter that she is in a completely wrong setting.

In my LA there are over 400 children like my DC1 who have specialist agreed but are stuck in mainstream with no setting to go to. There is nowhere for them to go. These are the children with specialist agreed by the LA. This doesn't include the many hundreds more who don't have specialist agreed or don't even have EHCPs yet.

Our health trust is on 3+ years for an initial appointment. CAMHs are almost non-existent. You are only considered for medication if you are already a behavioural problem in school, it doesn't matter if a child has severe ADHD until they are at the point they can no longer cope and it is at crisis point.

Early help, if accepted, offers 6 weeks of support. There is a huge gap between early help and child in need.

I speak to parents day in day out at work who are desperate for help as their children can not cope at school.

There will always be poorly behaved children due to poor parents but the majority? The majority are children who simply cannot cope in the setting they are in with nowhere to go to.

Over 400 children in my LA with specialist agreed but stuck in mainstream. That is an incredible number.

I know my DC spends 8.45am-2pm in a small cupboard with a 1-1 TA. She joins a much younger year group for the last hour a day. She does 95% of her schoolwork with me at home.

I love it how every one thinks a lot of kids just struggle with a little bit of anxiety! Mental health is complex. It's not just feeling a lil anxious now and again, it can be debilitating. I've seen a 9 year old boy have full fledged panic attacks because he's been attacked by another student but they don't have "bullies" apparently. (Just children with big feelings.)

I said upthread it was annoying that SEND has been reduced to autism and ADHD but other than that you really don't have a clue about SEND.

I have known non verbal kids not eat or drink anything for 3 weeks (literally not a single thing passed their lips). The hospital only allowed them to be tube fed once they lost a certain amount of weight and it was clinically critical. This was down to autistic food refusal not a physical issue. The parents thought their kids were going to die. I actually don't know what would have happened in the 60s, 70s, 80s or whatever?

Based on the unions DC is entirely due to my poor parenting

Can you link to anywhere that shows unions have said children with SEND is entirely down to bad parenting?

I’ll correct that for you. It’s not benefiting Anybody going to school in their current shape and form. They are not fit for purpose.
My own child was told that they’d better get used to getting bullied because they would be bullied in the workplace
And they just have to suck that up.
That was the wrong thing to say to a head of HR .
And they backtracked massively when I quoted the Council’s own policies to them
But these are the kind of idiots that we have on the front line. Ones that aren’t able to intellectually process their own policies and procedures. And the children bear the brunt of that.

What about the ones who struggle in comps because of the disruption etc? They're also anxious, in fact even more so if you add in bullying to the mix, so they're actually frightened of going to school because of the verbal and physical abuse they suffer once there?

Yup, I agree. Schools and teachers don't take bullying seriously. Yes, they have the policies and the posters, but can't be arsed to actually deal with it when it happens, and yes, the usual response is to "toughen up". Typical victim blaming. I agree, modern schools simply aren't fit for purpose anymore. We need radical changes to our education system. Root and branch reform needed.

Oh don’t me wrong those kids are very very clearly disabled. I know a few kids with this profile and their parents likes are HARD. I’m talking more about the parents who had ‘no idea’ their child was disabled with ASD until they were 15, and the parents who insist the life of UPF and screens has nothing to do with the hyperactivity and anger. For every sensible argument some kind of complex but thinly evidenced ‘explanation’ seems to come up. Like masking, burnout etc

when you thing your child isn’t being challenged in school education wise you ask get a tutor or do extra work n the weekends etc. this unfortunately has to be the same approach for parents of ND / behavioural / etc

You can’t compare the two. They are nowhere near the same thing. The vast majority of parents cannot afford the SEP DC with SEN require. It is far more costly than tutoring a child who isn’t being challenged. The law recognises SEN and exceptional ability are not the same thing. Although, obviously, some DC fall into both categories. And, thankfully, the law disagrees with you.

Fair enough, but it is really difficult to draw the line between disability and other factors.

I have two disabled children: one continues to be non verbal, nappies etc, the other had this profile but is now toilet trained and verbal (but severely language delayed). For many years it was much, much harder parenting my verbal child who on paper should have been easier. I know that's slightly different to what you're describing (15, neurotypical-passing, no academic difficulties - I used to work with some of these teenagers) but it isn't as simple as more severe vs less severe, non-verbal vs verbal. There is a lot of nuance in SEND.

Except girls are overlooked and ASD is dismissed as ‘just anxiety’

Aswas the case with my dd. Then she became too unwell to attend school and self harmed.

But she flew below the radar.

And burnout is a recognised syndrome in the RCPS on ASD.

If we've learnt anything from this thread (and the others) it's that parents of neurotypical children or children with very low support needs should just come out and say that they are really don't want children with significant SEND which affects their behaviour in their mainstream classrooms.

I understand why this is, I get it, I just think if mainstream was different we'd all have a better chance of real inclusion. But, these parents who don't want children with SEND related behaviour issues in their children's mainstream classes should be honest and help with the campaign for more specialist settings.

If we've learnt anything from this thread (and the others) it's that parents of neurotypical children or children with very low support needs should just come out and say that they are really don't want children with significant SEND which affects their behaviour in their mainstream classrooms

as a teacher, I would say what is required is proper training for teachers if we are continuing with inclusive education. Not 20 minutes at an inset, not the expectation that we read up on it in our own time, just hands-on training which helps everyone concerned to be able to more effectively manage any behaviour which presents in our classrooms. Teachers would be better equipped, less disruption would occur, children would get the support they need.

There are some idiots, for sure, as there are in all jobs. There are also thousands and thousands of teachers doing their very best in a very difficult and stressful job and going the extra mile to help children every day, including dealing with bullying and following school policies to deal with bad behaviour. I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced very poor action from your dc's school.

Thankfully, it wasn’t a teacher that said it

If they’re with a group who have met at a museum or library, then they are developing social skills.

I mean, yeah, of course that’s what I want. Because I see the alternative and how it negatively affects my child’s education and school experience. I’d happily help campaign for more specialist placements, but I’d be hauled over the coals for being as blunt as this in real life, I have to pretend it’s fine that 90% of the teachers’ time is spent on 10% of the children. I don’t think inclusion should be the goal.

It must be frightening for a child not to be given boundaries by their parents. They come into the world knowing nothing and are left to work things out for themselves.

I think a big part of it is that teachers have too many boxes to tick and it’s making them unhappy, which obviously has an impact on the children.

It’s almost all down to parenting, not always but mostly. Half the kids with SEN, I can just take one look at the parents and see that it’s poor parenting that’s caused their developmental issues.

of course there are other factors, but they are all rounding errors compared to the epidemic of poor parenting that occurs in this country. Particularly amongst the those of below anverage intelligence and uneducated.

My child has a long term condition for 4 years now. Primary school were fine - flexible and supportive. High school are being as difficult as possible I think in the hope that we move him. It comes down to the school having a rigid system and approaches which are from the dark ages and are unwilling or not sufficiently resourced / incentivised to progress to being more flexible and modern. i work in higher education. We support students with flexbile approaches to teaching and learning and accomodate a range of learning styles and make all resources available online 247. If I took the approach the school had I would be fired or on a disciplinary. Its a shocking difference. Its too easy for the schools to blame parents. its not the answer. A combination of factors is involved once of which is terrible attutides at school which are blatantly controlling and discriminatory. I wont be backing down with the school and will take them to court if necessary to get them to start accomodating my childs needs. I am not asking for much - just to be more inclusive and accomodating - eg to stop refusing to send work home and provide some info as to what they are studying at school for when he isnt well enough to come in to school but is well enough to some study at home.

It's certainly convenient to blame parents as that avoids the government restoring the services and support that have gradually been withdrawn over the last 15 years.

The current SEND support system, such as it is, requires high levels of cultural capital to get anywhere (I had to represent myself in two tribunals and that's hardly unusual). Obviously that's going to.be much harder for someone less educated (and the evidence you need often costs money too).

My DD is "low support needs" in a supportive environment but my goodness once that's not there things change quickly.

I feel for the OP who is not only dealing with the fallout of the withdrawal of services and support personally but also professionally. She could hardly do more!

Screen use is a big factor, but whenever it's raised on MN lots of posters say their kids need it to self-regulate, or the parents we all see handing their phones to their toddlers are only doing so as the parents are so exhausted by the hours of enriching activities they've been doing with their kids, or their kids are ADS or ADD, and their screen is essential for their wellbeing.

When my parents were too busy to engage with me, I went out to play. My DS didn't have as much freedom to roam the neighbourhood (I remember being flashed at and doing stupid dangerous stuff) but he'd play in the garden with other kids from the estate, or hang out in their gardens or homes.

Now when parents want to disengage for a bit - which is totally natural - they seem to default to phones or tablets, kids want them more, and they give them more.

The school knows that the LA won't back them for an exclusion because then they'd have to find a place for him in a PRU. The point surely to God, is that a child should not be telling anyone, especially a teacher to fuck off. My kids can be typical teens at home, stroppy and rude but by Christ they are impeccable at school.

@Wooky073 does she have an EHCP? Would you like a link to.the support thread on here if not? Do you think a hospital school service might be able to support - has she ever been under one?

@IstayhomeonFridaynight and the screens are much better too - important difference. I suspect I'm of similar vintage to you and with the best will in the world, there was a limit to how much one could watch 3/4 terrestrial TV channels and it took me longer to persuade my ZX Spectrum to function than I spent playing on it - frankly books and bikes were easier.

When I look at Minecraft, Roblox, BBC iplayer - so much free high resolution stuff - I'm not sure I'd have resisted it either.