How to handle child swearing for attention

[cloudywithstars]

My 7 year old daughter has been swearing a lot over the last week or so, normal loss of privilege has not had any affect.
she is currently swearing repeatedly while chatting to her sister and I’m just ignoring her so not to reward her with the attention she is trying to get, she’s not angry she’s just smugly swearing more and more for a reaction and now almost every other word is fucking or fuck even to the point she’s singing it to get me to react.
I have taken her Nintendo and began extending the days she lost it but she’s not phased.
She is swearing louder and louder and seems very confused at my lack of reaction, I am calmly thinking of a consequence to give but I’m looking for suggestions.

I ask her why she does it and she just smiles and says she doesn’t. I know it’s for attention but I do so much with her, she has time just us and we cook together and read and do crafts, play games and we are very open to conversations about things and most of the time she will talk to me about anything and everything.

I ask this kindly…. Does she get much positive attention from you? DS2 was a handful at that age. What worked for us was totally ignoring any negative behaviour and heaping ridiculous amount of praise on him for every tiny little thing he did right/well. In the beginning we were praising him for reaaally stupid things and it felt ridiculous but as time went on he thrived on the praise and his behaviour did improve.
Edited to add he was later diagnosed with ADHD.

How old are the siblings? Old enough to understand her needing to stop doing it? If so speak to them and if you can’t send to her room, remove everyone else. When she starts ignore, walk away and ask siblings to come with you too. Go and do something else, preferably fun, and make it clear when she swears no one wants to talk or be around her.

I agree with PP though at 7 you need to be able to discipline and sending to her room may mean putting her back over and over until she gets the picture that it won’t stop until she stops.

You absolutely need to nip this behaviour and discipline in the bud now, or she will be completely unmanageable in the next few years.

would she be bothered if you spoke to school? You could speak to her teacher about it and ask for advice, if she would feel upset that school would know that might help too.

I’ve spoken to the teacher and she looked like me like I was talking nonsense, she’s so good at school they don’t believe it’s the same child. It was her who explained the shaken coke bottle to me and says she’s just so tired by the time she gets home but she’s had two very trying weeks off.

If this IS some kind of ND like Adhd or ASD (and i'm not diagnosing here, i just have 2 kids with both, and a DD who is.. stubborn) the only way to handle this kind of thing in a positive manner is to ignore ignore, and to keep conversation open.

She's telling you something, if i child is looking for attention, its for a reason, you just have to find it and find them a more positive outlet for seeking attention.

If she's anything like my DD, the more you push, the more she'll stick her heels in and the more it becomes a battle of wills that'll end up leaving you more upset than her.

Talk, keep communicating, don't respond to the swearing when its happening.

Reward her sibling for not swearing, ‘well done for ignoring/not copying x’s language’, ‘you’ve been so polite today you can have a special treat’ etc

Sometimes ignoring isn’t enough, if she sees her sibling getting attention/little treats for not swearing then she might starting taking notice.

If she manages to go 5 minutes without swearing then praise/reward them both for being polite. Doesn’t have to be a big reward, just a small sweet. You can then extend the time for longer periods to up the game & hopefully nip it in the bud.

This is what happens, I run out of privileges to remove because I’ve removed everything and extended it until she doesn’t care anymore.

Where is she learning the swear words at 7 years old. My daughter is the same age and only knows 'stupid' and a couple others. She never says them. Are these words frequently spoken at home. I used to swear a lot as a child and learnt it from my parents arguing

Do you think there could be some ND issues?

Do you give her the option to earn it back?

That sometimes worked with DD.. once i'd given a consequence like '2hr ban on your tablet' i'd give it 15 mins then say "If you'd like it back, can you do X for me?" or in your case "If you can go until X time without swearing, you can have one egg back'.

She’s stopped swearing now while she’s helped me make lunch and sitting quietly eating it, I’ve praised her great sandwich making but would you say well done for stopping swearing or leave it as she’s probably just forgotten as she’s got lunch on her mind?

lunch? at this time? it's still morning. (not the point i know xD)

I may try that, as it stands she stays in denial so if I say you’re not having or doing something she initially just replies yes I am and then persists and persists until she realises she’s not winning and then she breaks down in tears and is devastated.
It doesn’t effect future behaviour though so there’s no lesson learnt.

She’s been up since 6

Not by me, very rarely her dad will swear but never at the children.

Stay calm and ignore, then over the dinner table say you'll be coming into school after the holiday to speak to her favourite teacher as you've noticed she has picked up some bad language and you can't think where she has picked it up from.

My child learnt it all at school in year 2 so age 7. His PDA profile mesng it quickly became a shock tactic to reduce demand.

I would ignore, model appropriate ways of what it is she is trying to communicate.

Don’t mention the swearing. Just model normal conversations and ignore the swearing. It does sound as if she might be ND and it’s either an outlet or a way of getting a reaction. If you ignore it, you cut off the dopamine. It would be different if she was swearing like a sailor at school. If she does it in a public place, leave immediately and take her home.

I'd ignore it and give her positive attention for using better words instead.

No I wouldn't mention it. I might at some point maybe on a drive so it's not too demanding say, it feels like you are having some tricky big feelings at the moment. See if you can find out what is overwhelming her. Her behaviour is showing how she is not ok.

Sounds like teacher understands coke bottle effect so ask if they know about masking. Bucket theory and overwhelm.

There is a good book called When My Feelings Get Too Big - you could talk with her about how she can let you know she’s not feeling OK. Without mentioning the undesirable behaviour (swearing).

Can she why she doesn't care about swearing to yo then. She needs to know that she can't do as she pleases however much effort it takes from you

Exactly this. Yes you might have an hour of pain, but it’ll be worth it as she’ll learn you mean it.

I would just comment in a bored tone “really, again? How silly you sound!” Do this for a while to see if it works.

Then if it continues, again in an unbothered tone “You do realise that you can’t carry on doing this. I don’t want to give you consequences, but if you carry on, I’ll have to. So x will happen if you continue. Your choice” Ask her how she thinks she’ll feel if x actually happens, to work through her denial of things

With an nt child then I would just stick to my guns. But if nd is suspected, and from what you say I suspect there is something going on, then I would give the chance to earn it back.

Going forward during a calm moment i’d introduce perhaps a positive reward chart or stick marbles in a jar for good behaviour.
empathise that you know she finds certain things difficult. Ask her what she can do when she’s feeling frustrated or upset. - Talk to you, Draw how she’s feeling or even punch a pillow. Help her with coping strategies. You may need to do some reading up for more tips on helping an explosive child.

Don't continue to ignore signs of nd. Treat her as if she is and even if this isn’t the case, new strategies will help, as clearly you can’t continue the way you are at the moment. If you can’t control her behaviour at 7, you have no chance at 14.