different name and account as when app updated I couldn’t get into my old one, however, I’ve found the old thread here, it’s long but essentially with 2DCs under 2.5 I just cannot be the non stop support my DSis wants and she won’t get the message m: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5216124-the-guilt-is-crippling-me?utmcampaign=thread&utmmedium=appshare
by way of update, DSis finally found a flat after realising I wouldn’t bail her out and let her live with me again (I had a newborn and 2 year old), and decided her time was up and she had to rent.
she rented……. On my doorstep. And that of her ex bf. Today I took time out of my day whilst DCs were napping at 1pm to meet her, and she spent the entire lunch crying about how triggering Easter is because we don’t have a family, how she bumped into her ex bf yesterday and it’s left her in pieces and how lonely she is.
since I’ve been back from our family trip (back for 6 weeks) she’s invited herself round at least once a week and I’ve had to tell her ‘no’ all but 2 times. I cannot explain enough to her, I do not have capacity for someone to ‘pop in’ or send me ‘are you around this evening’ messages.
yes in around this evening, like every evening, but 7-10pm (if I’m lucky) is the only time of the day im not running around after a 6 month old and/or 2.5 year old, a dog and the household chores. DC1 is at nursery 3 days a week and DC2 + dog home full time.
I don’t fancy putting my kids to bed and having another child walk in at 7pm. She’s almost 30 but what she wants is company, support, someone to take her pain away… every single week. Probably more if I allowed it.
I have tried to explain this but all I get I ‘I need you to be my sister right now’. Worth mentioning I’ve had her round for an entire afternoon and evening one Sunday, she was great, after me giving her home truths at the end of last year she actually played with DCs and tried to bond with them and helped a lot around the kitchen. Albeit she was still sat on sofa as DH and me were walking up to bed…never wants to leave.
second time I told her how stressed I was, we all were recovering from what we think was Covid, went on 10+ days, DH had final round presentations for new job he was behind prepping on and impending house guests arriving that weekend (a couple and their 2 DCs aka full on). Yet she called me the day after they arrived to borrow something, came round to get it and when she dropped it off same day, said she would pop in anyway. Again she was great, cleaned the kitchen and was helpful but again didn’t want to leave despite the fact we had guests. Zero emotional intelligence that I had explained I was so stressed with it all and still invited herself round.
the other 4ish times I’ve told her no……
even today 30 min before we were due to meet for lunch she said she’d locked herself out of her flat and called to come round. DH eyes rolled to back of head as we’d been up with DCs since 5.45am and DC2 was up several times in night for dummy run and DH feeling under weather…. I’d told her all of this when she messaged first thing to ask what time worked and I said only 1pm when DCs sleep. So she knew the reality of our day. I called back and said no point coming, I need to put DCs to bed and get ready and she insisted on coming just so we could walk together. Given she lives on the high street, where we were meeting I told her to putter around there for 25 min and she refuted asking what was she supposed to do on the high street for that amount of time. Tbh that would be my heaven but the dilemma is we have ying and yang lives.
In the end I text her to say literally no one can let you in, I need to shower and DH is broken and using his one hour child free time to lay in bed to rest before being with DCs this afternoon. Then she cried all lunch that I wouldn’t let her come and I make her feel like a burden. Of course I can let her come and sit in my house while I get ready but then it doesn’t stop there does it.
its such a dilemma because she’s so lonely, seems to not think she’s needy but is the most needy person I know, it pushes everyone away, including me, thinks she has the worst life in the world and seems to not want to sit with her pain and wants to come here regularly for company. I am on the short list and nothing I do or say will stop her relentless asking to come round. I had to work through all my trauma and sort my life out. I’m 8 years older than her but no one saved me.
anyone with 2 DCs and a dog will understand I have nothing left to give. My head is always exploding with stimulation and a never ending to do list. I’ve told her all of this but she repeats ‘I need you’. I don’t want anyone else to need me….. I need her to figure it out and give me some space.
DH thinks it’s a real dilemma and I won’t ever get through to her so shouldn’t even try. I get so stressed with her daily calls. Even around kids bedtime when I’ve told her 5-7pm is non stop for me.
Given her flat was only short term and up in July I said what a good opp to go back onto spare room and move further from ex (not on the same high street) so that would be one trigger less, and she said she doesn’t want to move because likes being close to ME. Again I said I can’t be what you need and she burst into tears again.
what do I do? Nothing is landing. My reality isn’t going to change. DC2 about to crawl and I’m due back to work soon…