Have i just done controlled crying or cry it out?I feel sick

[CanIpetthatdoge]

Baby is 9 months old. Last couple of months has been a nightmare, waking every 20-30 mins crying, needing dummy put back in or general comfort. I’ve tried co sleeping and even holding him in my arms all night but that hasn’t worked. I’m at the point where I physically can’t do it anymore, I am completely run down, getting ill all the time, today I’ve got an eye infection of all things.
baby goes down fine in cot during day for naps but at night it’s a different story. Tonight I put him to bed and let him cry, I didn’t leave the room, I sat next to the cot and soothed him, put his dummy in, stroked his hair, sang to him, gave him his teddy etc but he still cried but I didn’t get him out. He didn’t cry the whole time, he did have periods where he was quiet. He’s gone to sleep now and I’m crying, have I just done cry it out? I always swore I could never just let my baby cry but now I’ve done it and he probably wonders why I’m being so horrible all of a sudden. I feel sick.
my husband does do some nights but we have an autistic older son who struggles with sleep too so our focus is normally on one child each at bedtimes. He does give me a ‘lay in’ in the mornings as he starts work later but it’s only a few hours and not enough for me to recover.

I don’t need him to sleep through the night but I just need some sleep.

Cry it out is just leaving the room and letting them cry until they fall asleep. So no, you’ve not done that. You’ve stayed with him for reassurance. You need your sleep too, a chronically sleep deprived mum is not a happy mum.

OP, you continued to comfort him and you have to look after yourself as well - which is what you were doing. Don't beat yourself up. He'll have known you were there and that will have been important to him.

Baby will have been well aware you were there with them. You’ve done fine.

Be kind to yourself OP.

People generally use cry it out to mean leaving the baby physically in a different room and just letting it cry.

you didn’t do that.

you stayed in the same room as your baby and tried to sooth him.

Waking every 20-30 mins isn’t good for him either, he needs longer and deeper sleep periods. Have you checked it out with your GP to see if there is anything underlying that might be causing him to wake?

I went through this and as my friend who I had confided in told me " you hit "fuck it" ".

Sometimes there's nothing else to be done. He is safe. He is loved. You need rest.

Sounds like some form of sleep training...?

Which is fine!!
2-3 more nights and your baby will start doing blocks.

Our DS cried his head off the first night at 10m...he did his first full night EVER.
By day 3 he cried for under 5 mins amd went to sleep and we were getting 7-7 - i refsined my sanity immediately!!!

I put him down tonight and start to finish was under 5 mins and small grumble and off to sleep... he's been like that fairly reliably since we trained...

Self soothing It's a skill...

Also you sound like a woman on the edge ie you need sleep. There is nothing wrong with.what you've done

Thank you, I’m crying even more now. I love him so much and I want him to know I’m there but I can’t do much more. I figured in my madness maybe it would be ok to soothe him in his bed but not get him out, so he knows it’s bedtime. Like I said I’ve tried co sleeping but he doesn’t seem to want that.

i haven’t been to the gp, my eldest is autistic and his sleep was non existent as a baby and he was inconsolable but they weren’t interested (obviously not sure if this baby has autism but they are different babies and the sleep issues appear to be different so who knows)

You've done everything right OP. Keep doing it every night and I hope you start get some proper sleep.

No you were lovely and kind and reassuring and there for him.

I had one who basically whinged or cried going to sleep. I didn't twigged what is was until I was really sick one evening and couldn't get back to the bedroom from the bathroom for 10 mins. Little sod was sound asleep. If he woke later i gave him 5 mins and he grumbled himself back to sleep. I now wonder if I was was intervening too soon and he hadn't learned to sleep himself.

He squared for about 5 mins going to sleep until he was about 2.

Thank you for all the kind words. I said to my husband today lots of people have babies so why can’t I cope with it, but I think the sleep deprivation has driven me to near madness

I’m firmly against CIO and CC and what you did isn’t that. You stayed and comforted him. It’s a big difference.

I did something similar and think it was called a gradual withdrawal method… you’ve definitely been very gentle and your baby knew you were there as you were soothing any reassuring him so you haven’t possibly caused any trauma.

perhaps a bit of your tears is relief that it’s worked? You really need to try and sleep if you can now that he is! x

You say in your madness you thought of this, but actually you followed your instinct about what he needed and you did exactly the right thing at the right time in his development. You know it was the right time because it worked and he slept with your reassuring presence next to him. Well done. Get some rest yourself now.

You absolutely did the best for you and your baby there, well done!
Now if you can, get yourself to bed and try to get some rest xx

You’ve done the gradual retreat and it sounds like it worked. Please don’t feel bad and consider doing it again tomorrow. The baby will also sleep better that way.

My daughter tried the old fashioned 'egg in a sock' for her child. It worked for him. Maybe give it a go?

Babies cry. I think modern mothers are crackers in their reaction to it. Baby cries, settles and sleeps. And if it s hungry or un comfy later on, it will wake and cry and an adult can go in to check what's wrong before putting them down again..By 9 months a baby should be sleeping through more or less.

No, you didn't. You were next to him and trying to sooth him the best you could at that time. Please don't be hard on yourself, you've done nothing wrong. I hope you feel better soon.

Waking that frequently I’d definitely be going to the GP or at the very least trying calpol or ibuprofen before bed first. It could be pain or discomfort (maybe teeth),

"Controlled" crying is abusive, end of story. A baby isn't capable of manipulation and 9 months is the age that they begin to realise that they're their own person and separate from the parent so it's a scary and unsettling time for them.

They give it a pseudo scientific name to excuse the fact that they are recommending letting a child cry itself to sleep which is inexcusable. My eldest was a nightmare sleep wise so much so that we ended up at a sleep clinic. They did NOT recommend "controlled" crying because it's not a thing. Parents are teaching their children that they can cry their hearts out and no one is coming to help. It's appalling.

We did similar to you OP and after 3 nights with some crying, both our DS could then self-settle and went to waking up once in the night for a drink which then dropped off at 18 months.

We also soothed and didn’t leave them. You need to be consistent now though. It isn’t the easiest but ultimately everyone needs to sleep including your DS and I think 9 months is a good age for it. All the best.

🙄

You did a form of sleep training but it wasn't controlled crying or crying it out. You have done nothing wrong, there's no reason for a 9 month old to be waking every 20-30 minutes other than habit. It is unhealthy for the both of you to be awake so often.

If it worked and he dropped off eventually, keep it up.