Have i just done controlled crying or cry it out?I feel sick

[CanIpetthatdoge]

Baby is 9 months old. Last couple of months has been a nightmare, waking every 20-30 mins crying, needing dummy put back in or general comfort. I’ve tried co sleeping and even holding him in my arms all night but that hasn’t worked. I’m at the point where I physically can’t do it anymore, I am completely run down, getting ill all the time, today I’ve got an eye infection of all things.
baby goes down fine in cot during day for naps but at night it’s a different story. Tonight I put him to bed and let him cry, I didn’t leave the room, I sat next to the cot and soothed him, put his dummy in, stroked his hair, sang to him, gave him his teddy etc but he still cried but I didn’t get him out. He didn’t cry the whole time, he did have periods where he was quiet. He’s gone to sleep now and I’m crying, have I just done cry it out? I always swore I could never just let my baby cry but now I’ve done it and he probably wonders why I’m being so horrible all of a sudden. I feel sick.
my husband does do some nights but we have an autistic older son who struggles with sleep too so our focus is normally on one child each at bedtimes. He does give me a ‘lay in’ in the mornings as he starts work later but it’s only a few hours and not enough for me to recover.

Could he be hungry?

He has a big feed before bed and then either 1 or 2 feeds overnight, I always know when he’s hungry.
i also have been giving analgesia when I know he’s teething or under the weather but he’s been waking up even when he’s not suffering with that.

Thank you for all of the kind words. I’ve had another big cry, I really feel it’s habit waking and he did used to self soothe in the next to me but then he stopped even when he was right next to me/my hand on him etc so we moved him into the cot in case it was a space issue and he wasn’t comfortable but it’s continued.
im Trying to ignore the comment saying I’m abusive because I really could throw myself into the Thames sometimes the way I feel about parenting and it being so hard. I want to do my best and the guilt is all encompassing not just for my baby but for my eldest too. I had an awful childhood and I want my children to be ok all the time

I’ve had a bath and a rest and my husband is going to do the night tonight as it’s Saturday tomorrow x

We had a very similar experience - we went from waking every hour throughout the night to 7-7 within just a few days. It was transformational and I have absolutely zero regrets, despite starting out as a fanatical attachment parent.

The biggest impact was on DS, who went from being a miserable baby to being a happy baby. The change was so dramatic that I actually felt guilty for not sleep training earlier.

Or autism as with my son.
Op I accidentally did CIO with ds1 at 10 months as he had woken every fucking 20 minutes for 4 months and I was literally insane. I slept and couldn't get out of bed one night. I was almost hallucinating with tiredness and DH was working nights.. He cried for about 20 minutes. He then went to sleep all night for the first time in months. The next night I deliberately left him and he was as sleep after 10 mins of crying. The next night about 5 mins. He the nSlept through. I was such a better parent during the day. I stopped feeling guilty when I realised I was far more attentive to him than the poor parents being kept awake every night were. He is a wonder, well adjusted adult now!

We did something similar with both of ours. They do cry when they are tired and learning to self settle. It gets better. They are 10 and 13 now and perfectly well adjusted kids.

I firmly believe a bit of sleep training is massively less harmful, both physically and psychologically, than the whole family being completely sleep deprived for months or years.

We had similar with DS! A very grumbly, snuggly little bean. We were in a 2 bed house with a toddler plus baby. He woke us before he was really awake himself through the night. He would wake up, grumble, snuffle then self settle back to sleep, but often we’d be awake and ready with a feed etc that he didn’t really need (but we thought he did) so for quite a while me and DH slept on a sofa each to give DS his own space to self settle. Not CIO, not CC, but a little bit of sleep training for us all!

OP, you absolutely haven’t let your baby CIO. You’ve stayed close for comfort but allowed baby to settle themselves. You need sleep too and this is the way to help you and baby get a good rest.

You sound like a really caring mum that comforted your child to sleep, what you did was definitely not leaving your child to cry it out.
Sometimes all you can do is just be present and comfort them as they cry, which feels awful for us but they’ll feel safe as you’re there with them too.
This has happened quite a few times with my daughter especially when overtired.

I used that two for both of mine. It worked.

OP what you've described us exactly what we were told to do with our babies 30+ years ago. It worked perfectly well and we had our evenings to ourselves.

My daughter is beyond exhausted keeping her LO downstairs until he falls asleep sometimes 10.30. I fail to see how that's progress from what I did.

Exactly. Cry it out is giving them the impression you aren’t there or are not responsive.

All you’ve done is not given him his own way. You were present. You were comforting.

This comes from me as a believer that cry it out creates emotionally unresponsive adults.

Ignore the nasty comment OP... There is always one. You weren't doing CIO anyway. You were there, stroking and reassuring your baby. It sounds like it was just what he needed.

Also, worth remembering that some babies actually cry as a way of self-soothing. One of my 4 babies was like this. He would cry before he fell asleep, without fail, whether he was in the cot or in my arms, no matter whether I rocked him, sang, etc. He would just cry (not frantically) for a few minutes before sleep. Some babies do it to disengage from the world and self-soothe.

This isn't cry it out, OP, but even if it was, it will be okay.

Contrary to what some people think, it is not abusive and it will not permanently damage your baby if they have a couple of instances where they are left to cry. Sometimes you have to do what you need to do. If a mothers mental health is at risk due to sleep deprivation and CIO is the only thing that's working, it's fine. Not ideal, but fine. Better a well rested mother who can be otherwise loving and responsive than a depressed, sleep deprived mother who is struggling and can't care for her baby properly.

You did good.

The method you used is called phased retreat mixed with sush pat. I work in early years and recommend doing exactly what you did whenever I’m asked advice on this.

tom make sure you are next to him exactly like you did tonight and if there isn’t significant improvement after 5 days go back to the GP and demand investigation.

should get improvement after just a couple nights but advise is always give it 5 days that I’ve read. Then stop the sush patting or make it intermittent (likely can do less of that tomorrow use your judgment). Then when just your presence is enough to stop the screaming move a meter or two away, then in the doorway then if you really need the next step sit outside the room out of sight so you can be heard sushing to make him feel safe when he cries (he will probably grumble and winge you can tell when he’s really distressed you just go back a phase). This is all worst case, you will know when your baby is ready for the next step by the type of cry so go at that pace. Most babies will take 3-5 days.

I acknowledge nurodivergent kids do take longer and need more comfort- but you tried co-sleeping so this a completely reasonable option because baby needs a sane and functioning mother as well as decent sleep for his own development.

if you hadn’t already done one night I might have said try a night with the light on mimic the day time nap conditions that work. But then you will be stuck sleeping with the light on and having to train out of that so having done the first night stick with what you did.

Oh forgot to say. Do not pick him back up unless you plan to give up on sleep training. If you let him cry for a while then give in and pick him up you are teaching he just has to cry long enough to get you to pick him up. Trying and giving up on sleep training generally makes it worse. Better to not do it at all than give up after just a couple nights

Honestly this is exactly what I did when getting my son used to sleeping his own room. He'd been sleeping absolutely fine in his crib in our room and we'd gotten him used to daytime naps in his own room but going down for the night in his own room was another story. He was so upset every time we put him in his cot and even if we put him in asleep he'd instantly wake up crying. We'd just sit on the floor next to the cot and smile at him and stroke him until he soothed himself and eventually fell asleep. It's not like we left him alone in a dark room and he knew we were there the whole time and he could feel us stroking him so I've never considered it cry it out or whatever. After 2 weeks he was absolutely fine with us leaving the room and has been an amazing sleeper since.

It’s fine OP - entirely reasonable, not worth crying about, you didn’t abandon your baby, and sometimes you do just need to leave them for 10 mins to get your act together/ calm down, and that’s ok too. Have a good sleep - tomorrow is another day!

We ended up ditching the dummy when ds was about 1 as it kept waking him. We did same as you to get ds ti sleep

OP was there, perhaps bother to read posts before condescendingly wading in with judgement:

I didn’t leave the room, I sat next to the cot and soothed him, put his dummy in, stroked his hair, sang to him, gave him his teddy etc

Oh sweetheart you sound like a lovely caring mother.
Please stop thinking that you are bad at parenting.
You're exhausted ,I hope tonight is easier and you can get some rest.
All this will pass and you will get through it.
🌹💐💐🌸🌺🌼💐

I’m personally really happy to see this thread OP as I’ve done exactly the same thing and have always wondered if I went into the realms of CIO (I really didn’t want to do this), but when my boy was a similar age he would cry in the cot and I never once left, I would stay with him, stroke his back or his head and pass his dummy back to him when needed. Fast forward (he’s now 16 months) and he’s the most content, happy, giggly baby who consistently sleeps through naps and bedtime and always wakes up well rested (as do I and his dad!) and I always think he might not have got to this stage had we constantly taken him in and out the cot. Please don’t be upset I think this is going to make for a very happy baby and mother!

This is a deeply unhelpful post when op is struggling so much.
It's clear that op didn't do controlled crying, she sat by her baby and soothed and comforted him. Baby knew she was there and helping him the whole time.

A PP said controlled crying is abusive and you are categorically NOT doing that.
It seems like that poster meant to criticise the use of controlled crying. It could have been clearer but I don't think they intended it to come across as critical of you - just the practice of CC generally.

What you are doing sounds lovely and supportive. You're being present for your baby when they are learning this new skill.

Thank you all, I’ve had a good nights sleep and don’t feel as emotional today 😂 husband said baby had a relatively good night although was fussing for 2 hours early morning ish.
im Up with him now and feel able to enjoy him.
i read my posts back and they do come across as slightly unhinged but it’s how I feel a lot of the time at the moment.
thank you for all the support x

No cry it out is leaving the room.

You stayed with him for comfort - you did fine.

You do need sleep too, and some sleep training is required.