So I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years. He is 52 and 3 children. All to same woman but 2 are adults and have own homes and 1 DS who is only 16 and lives with dad 50% of time. I am 42 and have 1 Dd aged 7 who lives with me 90% of time.
Both of us took over our respective family homes when partners left. Both struggled financially of course as they are family houses we bought on 2 incomes initially with exs.
BF sold his house last year and moved in with me to test how we would live together before buying together.
I am really struggling when DSS is here when not in school. He basically stays up all hours gaming when not in school. Weekends I can just about cope with but it’s the entire week at a time when he is off school I hate. He is doing GCSE’s this year so will have basically June to Sept off school - weeks of him being nocturnal basically.
I will have to get up at 6.30 for work every week day and I wfh so no respite in day. My dd will also be in school till summer hols so I’m dreading it. I am already struggling with sleep during Easter as my dd room is next to dss and it affects her and I end up sleeping in there to try settle her. Or alternatively I kick bf out of main bed and me and dd sleep there. Obviously none ideal.
On top of this I find dss very messy. He has turned my old office into a pigsty on weeks he stays. It smells of Bo as he refuses to open window - hates insects. He leaves bowls, plates in room and clothes everywhere. If he showers then clothes just get left in bathroom and wet towel thrown in room. No idea which of his clothes are clean or dirty. I leave my bf to clean up after him. Problem is he doesn’t do it enough. And bf seems to now be joining in let’s just throw our clothes on the floor. The master bedroom floor is covered in bf clothes - dirty or clean is anyone’s guess. There are fitted wardrobes, drawers etc and a big wash basket in master room just for bf and dss clothes. It’s a really nice house I have - well it was.
I am getting so fed up. Yesterday I nicely mentioned bf doing dss dinner dishes in morning before he left for work and he got a bit sulky and defensive but ok. But then in evening when I first had to pick up dss clothes from bathroom floor and put near wash basket for bf to decide if clean or dirty, I then got fed up as bf clothes then ended up in bathroom a few hours later. And still loads of bf clothes all lying about bedroom. I jokingly said can you sort out the floordrobe tomorrow morning when you’re off. He sulked and then went bed. I think he has done it though. I then spent night in dd room with his son gaming till 12.30am and I’m exhausted today and so fed up of it. For context dss is quieter in night when gaming - but I hear him whispering, tapping, floors creaking and doors opening etc as literally it is a stud wall between dd and dss rooms.
Anyone got any advice? I have previously told bf I am nolonger sure I want to buy a house together as not enjoying living together 50% of time. He gets very hurt. He sees it that we will break up if he moves out as between his new job, hobbies and ds we wouldn’t see each other much. I say then that we need to try change things in this house and prove we can live together. He thinks I should compromise more and that I just don’t get teenagers or boys.
For context bf does pay 50% bills and food - not mortgage as house mine. He also does 50% of general household chores and his own and sons washing. We are happy and loving as a couple. Problem is he seems to think a house gets tidy 1 day a week and rest of week you just leave it a tip. And that teenage boys somehow need to be left to do what they want. I totally disagree! I also of course have a dd I run around cleaning up after but I feel like I want to start instilling basic tidiness in her but can’t as dss is a slob and I won’t make it a girls job to be the tidy one.
Also to say my ex husband was a total neat freak and I was the messy one to him! Irony. But it does make me feel like I’m not a neat freak - just kind of normal house proud expecting a reasonable household with rules and structure.
AIBU?
No - expecting a tidy house and dss to be quiet after 10pm weekday nights is normal and bf needs to up his game or move out.
Yes - you have to lower expectations for a teenage boy and busy bf and should compromise.