Living together - mess, noise what’s normal???

[Steffie2]

So I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years. He is 52 and 3 children. All to same woman but 2 are adults and have own homes and 1 DS who is only 16 and lives with dad 50% of time. I am 42 and have 1 Dd aged 7 who lives with me 90% of time.

Both of us took over our respective family homes when partners left. Both struggled financially of course as they are family houses we bought on 2 incomes initially with exs.

BF sold his house last year and moved in with me to test how we would live together before buying together.

I am really struggling when DSS is here when not in school. He basically stays up all hours gaming when not in school. Weekends I can just about cope with but it’s the entire week at a time when he is off school I hate. He is doing GCSE’s this year so will have basically June to Sept off school - weeks of him being nocturnal basically.

I will have to get up at 6.30 for work every week day and I wfh so no respite in day. My dd will also be in school till summer hols so I’m dreading it. I am already struggling with sleep during Easter as my dd room is next to dss and it affects her and I end up sleeping in there to try settle her. Or alternatively I kick bf out of main bed and me and dd sleep there. Obviously none ideal.

On top of this I find dss very messy. He has turned my old office into a pigsty on weeks he stays. It smells of Bo as he refuses to open window - hates insects. He leaves bowls, plates in room and clothes everywhere. If he showers then clothes just get left in bathroom and wet towel thrown in room. No idea which of his clothes are clean or dirty. I leave my bf to clean up after him. Problem is he doesn’t do it enough. And bf seems to now be joining in let’s just throw our clothes on the floor. The master bedroom floor is covered in bf clothes - dirty or clean is anyone’s guess. There are fitted wardrobes, drawers etc and a big wash basket in master room just for bf and dss clothes. It’s a really nice house I have - well it was.

I am getting so fed up. Yesterday I nicely mentioned bf doing dss dinner dishes in morning before he left for work and he got a bit sulky and defensive but ok. But then in evening when I first had to pick up dss clothes from bathroom floor and put near wash basket for bf to decide if clean or dirty, I then got fed up as bf clothes then ended up in bathroom a few hours later. And still loads of bf clothes all lying about bedroom. I jokingly said can you sort out the floordrobe tomorrow morning when you’re off. He sulked and then went bed. I think he has done it though. I then spent night in dd room with his son gaming till 12.30am and I’m exhausted today and so fed up of it. For context dss is quieter in night when gaming - but I hear him whispering, tapping, floors creaking and doors opening etc as literally it is a stud wall between dd and dss rooms.

Anyone got any advice? I have previously told bf I am nolonger sure I want to buy a house together as not enjoying living together 50% of time. He gets very hurt. He sees it that we will break up if he moves out as between his new job, hobbies and ds we wouldn’t see each other much. I say then that we need to try change things in this house and prove we can live together. He thinks I should compromise more and that I just don’t get teenagers or boys.

For context bf does pay 50% bills and food - not mortgage as house mine. He also does 50% of general household chores and his own and sons washing. We are happy and loving as a couple. Problem is he seems to think a house gets tidy 1 day a week and rest of week you just leave it a tip. And that teenage boys somehow need to be left to do what they want. I totally disagree! I also of course have a dd I run around cleaning up after but I feel like I want to start instilling basic tidiness in her but can’t as dss is a slob and I won’t make it a girls job to be the tidy one.

Also to say my ex husband was a total neat freak and I was the messy one to him! Irony. But it does make me feel like I’m not a neat freak - just kind of normal house proud expecting a reasonable household with rules and structure.

AIBU?
No - expecting a tidy house and dss to be quiet after 10pm weekday nights is normal and bf needs to up his game or move out.
Yes - you have to lower expectations for a teenage boy and busy bf and should compromise.

All this. Why?

This is ridiculous. I have a DS17 and I wouldn’t put up with this.

Time to get rid of them. Think about your DD - how awful this is for her.

Prioritise yourself and DD, maintain your home how you like. He can be butthurt from his own squalid place.

Bear in mind this is a trial situation in your house, so this is him on his best behaviour. If you buy a property together there’s every risk that will go out the window and even if you ask he won’t bother because he doesn’t care.

My DDs were nocturnal and slobby it’s fairly normal, the difficult thing as a step parent is you don’t get a say in the parenting but you have to endure it.

id reconsider it tbh if he wants to be with you he will make the effort even if your not living together.

Well you have your answer as to whether you should buy a house together - don't! You need to sit down with bf and dss and lay down some house rules. DSS is almost an adult and should be cleaning up after himself - why is your bf doing it? If his late night behaviour is disturbing the rest of the family's sleep, it's unacceptable. Either they shape up or ship out!

Boundaries, rules and boundaries. Either he ups game, or he’s (and dp) are out.

@faerietales I think I worded this badly, what I meant is that this is a combination of teenage boys and no parenting... i.e. teenagers have a tendency to be selfish and messy and without proper parenting this turns into rotting plates in bedroom and poor hygiene.

Well my teenage son lives in disgusting squalor in his room, but I don't let it spill out into the rest of the house. I close the door on it His washing gets done if he brings it down. Otherwise? Dirty clothes. And we joke about the teenage boy smell in his room. My dds hate it. I do make him clean his room and change his bed weekly, and things have improved since he got a girlfriend.

The difference is, he is my son and their brother. I don't get why you would subject your daughter (and you tbh) to this situation willingly. Isn't it clear that the trial living together experiment has concluded that it doesn't work to live together and you should kick him out - if not for your sake, for your daughter's

No chance would I put up with that. The DSS sounds a waste of space. Gaming every waking hour beyond his time at school? Madness. They both sound bone idle and hugely disrespectful to you. Do not put you and your child through this. Get rid.

DP needs to do some parenting or both of them need to move out, that may or may not end the relationship.

I feel sorry for your daughter, I think she should come first here.

I’d have a house meeting, state clearly what you’re not happy with. What change you must see. Emphasise your home life has deteriorated due to the way they live. Then it’s either shape up or ship out!

Wouldn't bother with chats or meetings, this is the boyfriend on his best behaviour and he's sulking, manipulating OP in her own property and threatening to dump her if she doesn't comply.
These men should be moved out of OP and her vulnerable child's home.

I had three teenage boys and would NOT stand for that.
If they didn't comply, I'd take the WiFi box to work with me, or to bed with me.

I don't know how you have put up with your sleep being affected this long.
Put your foot down.

Try a family crisis meeting, be firm and polite.....if they respond well, you have a shred of hope for your relationship.
If they are arsey, you will know that they will NEVER change and this will be your life for years.

I have friends whose 25 year old sons stay up all night gaming, and don't even work.

Nip it in the bud!

@Steffie2
so where is the op?
This can’t be real

Thanks all, especially those with some experience and perspective. I was out all day on Easter Day out but have checked responses since.

I do totally understand the shape up or ship out comments. I also agree this is still best behaviour and I have worried if my bf is like this now will he be worse in a jointly owned home.

To be fair to dss he is very polite and does shower and is signed up for a levels so not a waste of space at all - just like many have said he’s simply an inherently lazy teen unless pushed not to be. Bf isn’t pushing is problem or only very very minimally compared to what I’d prefer. And yes I have no teen boy experience so do know my expectations could need lowering a bit too. But if I was his mum I’d have him doing some simple chores, not let him go nocturnal school holidays etc, but I am not his mum. I’m sure though he’ll turn out a lovely young man either way just like his big brother as he does have a very loving mum and dad, albeit divorced. Just me that might not want to live with him during these hard teenage years as it’s hard enough dealing with a biological teen as many have pointed out!

I think tbh it just doesn’t bother bf - he’d be surrounded by tools, half dirty clothes on the floor and units, dishes from couple days ago and get round to them eventually and then it’d build up again - so effectively it’s clean maybe 12 hours every few weeks. I’m opposite and keep on top little and often with big clean now and again but house stays mostly neat.

Also to say I earn more and always have and always will. So I’m not financially dependant by any means. My bf chose a hobby type job with lower pay despite very high earning potential so naturally I don’t sub him in that. Also this is why he could not afford to keep his big 6 bed family home indefinitely and it had to sell. Moving in together as a trial made sense overall given time we’ve been together and fact we’d both prefer this sort of relationship if we can make it work. Me saying my house is too expensive for me is simply I would not choose this big a mortgage as a single person. As cost of living goes up my disposable finances naturally go down. I’d like to free up disposable income so have already decided I will move myself as this area is very overpriced I’m in.

Personally my preference is to live with someone and I know that isn’t everyone’s preference. I myself came from single parent household where my mother stayed alone and became incredibly lonely, poor and dependant on me as company until a very early death. My childhood house felt very quiet and lonely compared to my friend’s houses. I have personally seen both good and bad first marriages and good and bad blended or single families. Navigating myself to a good life, whatever that looks like for me at the different life stages, is my goal.

Also to say my dd does like them and isn’t displaced by them. I think she also prefers more company than just me and she is oblivious to mess trust me. I also feel it makes the times we do spend just mum and dd all the better.

I won’t involve dss in a discussion but will chat with bf again once we have a bit of time child free as I don’t like any tension around the kids. I don’t at all like the way dp copes with disagreements. He used to say his ex wife followed him around house nagging him. I ignore the sulks like a child tbh. But it is I recognise a form of digging heels in and stonewalling a bit in the hopes a woman gives up. I also totally agree there should be no expectation a girl does more cleaning. To be fair I have got bf doing a lot of chores, it’s just when dss comes the mess seems to quadruple and bf doesn’t seem to notice.

And also to say yes this is a slight house issue as it’s clear now that the back of house bedroom 2 and 3 were not built right and have minimal soundproofing. A different house might greatly reduce any sleep issues if dss was in say a downstairs room or further away from dd. I just feel like of course I don’t want to buy jointly to test this theory out! I do need to find a way in this house to improve both my sleep and the mess when dss is here first. So yes a serious chat with bf about rules and boundaries and see how that goes. But I am prepared for him moving out if nothing does change. Separating without a financial commitment is way easier than joint house finances. Better to work it all out now.

he’d be surrounded by tools, half dirty clothes on the floor and units, dishes from couple days ago and get round to them eventually and then it’d build up again - so effectively it’s clean maybe 12 hours every few weeks.
If you can cope with that for the rest of your life, with no resentment, frustration or anger, then carry on. But the resentment part would kill any love i had for him in the end.

He used to say his ex wife followed him around house nagging him.
Of course he would. She had certain expectations of an adult male. Apparently you once did too. Are you now going to downgrade your expectations of a clean and tidy home just so you can live with someone?

Edit apologies, i missed this sentence at the end.
I am prepared for him moving out if nothing does change.

Have you given yourself a time limit of say 4 months? That will help keep your resolve.

I can't understand why anyone would choose to live with their partner. It sucks the happiness and romance out of a relationship and turns it into old socks on a radiator.

As Kathy Burke says, moving in together never works - when the nice stuff fizzles out, your stuck with some random wNker in your house.

“My bf chose a hobby type job with lower pay despite very high earning potential so naturally I don’t sub him in that. Also this is why he could not afford to keep his big 6 bed family home indefinitely and it had to sell.”

This shouts alarm bells to me. Did dp change to the hobby job? What was he doing before, if so? Cynical me wonders whether it’s the old age story of man choosing woman with house to date.

At least you’re prepared to split it doesn’t work out.

Another woman putting dick before the welfare of her 7-year-old daughter.... Awful.

He used to say his ex wife followed him around house nagging him.

Huge red flag here! This reads to me like he just hides from things he doesn't want to do till 'insert current woman' gives up and does them instead.

How did he afford the previous big 6-bed house on his low wage 'hobby' job? Did the last wife earn lots more than him as well...?!

Been there with gamer stepson living with us full time. I don’t have kids and I found it really difficult and nearly left a few times. He went back to his mums for a bit to give me a break. He came back. It worked out in the end. But I wasn’t v compatible with it. But dh loved having him there….

At least op has her head screwed on properly and didn’t sell her own house to move in with the bf!

This woman is supporting herself financially and she very sensibly has kept her own house!

Presumably because she wants a romantic relationship with a man she lives with? Not sure why you are making out like it’s the craziest thing on earth. You might think she should have waited but you can’t truly be confused about what she was hoping to achieve?