Living together - mess, noise what’s normal???

[Steffie2]

So I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years. He is 52 and 3 children. All to same woman but 2 are adults and have own homes and 1 DS who is only 16 and lives with dad 50% of time. I am 42 and have 1 Dd aged 7 who lives with me 90% of time.

Both of us took over our respective family homes when partners left. Both struggled financially of course as they are family houses we bought on 2 incomes initially with exs.

BF sold his house last year and moved in with me to test how we would live together before buying together.

I am really struggling when DSS is here when not in school. He basically stays up all hours gaming when not in school. Weekends I can just about cope with but it’s the entire week at a time when he is off school I hate. He is doing GCSE’s this year so will have basically June to Sept off school - weeks of him being nocturnal basically.

I will have to get up at 6.30 for work every week day and I wfh so no respite in day. My dd will also be in school till summer hols so I’m dreading it. I am already struggling with sleep during Easter as my dd room is next to dss and it affects her and I end up sleeping in there to try settle her. Or alternatively I kick bf out of main bed and me and dd sleep there. Obviously none ideal.

On top of this I find dss very messy. He has turned my old office into a pigsty on weeks he stays. It smells of Bo as he refuses to open window - hates insects. He leaves bowls, plates in room and clothes everywhere. If he showers then clothes just get left in bathroom and wet towel thrown in room. No idea which of his clothes are clean or dirty. I leave my bf to clean up after him. Problem is he doesn’t do it enough. And bf seems to now be joining in let’s just throw our clothes on the floor. The master bedroom floor is covered in bf clothes - dirty or clean is anyone’s guess. There are fitted wardrobes, drawers etc and a big wash basket in master room just for bf and dss clothes. It’s a really nice house I have - well it was.

I am getting so fed up. Yesterday I nicely mentioned bf doing dss dinner dishes in morning before he left for work and he got a bit sulky and defensive but ok. But then in evening when I first had to pick up dss clothes from bathroom floor and put near wash basket for bf to decide if clean or dirty, I then got fed up as bf clothes then ended up in bathroom a few hours later. And still loads of bf clothes all lying about bedroom. I jokingly said can you sort out the floordrobe tomorrow morning when you’re off. He sulked and then went bed. I think he has done it though. I then spent night in dd room with his son gaming till 12.30am and I’m exhausted today and so fed up of it. For context dss is quieter in night when gaming - but I hear him whispering, tapping, floors creaking and doors opening etc as literally it is a stud wall between dd and dss rooms.

Anyone got any advice? I have previously told bf I am nolonger sure I want to buy a house together as not enjoying living together 50% of time. He gets very hurt. He sees it that we will break up if he moves out as between his new job, hobbies and ds we wouldn’t see each other much. I say then that we need to try change things in this house and prove we can live together. He thinks I should compromise more and that I just don’t get teenagers or boys.

For context bf does pay 50% bills and food - not mortgage as house mine. He also does 50% of general household chores and his own and sons washing. We are happy and loving as a couple. Problem is he seems to think a house gets tidy 1 day a week and rest of week you just leave it a tip. And that teenage boys somehow need to be left to do what they want. I totally disagree! I also of course have a dd I run around cleaning up after but I feel like I want to start instilling basic tidiness in her but can’t as dss is a slob and I won’t make it a girls job to be the tidy one.

Also to say my ex husband was a total neat freak and I was the messy one to him! Irony. But it does make me feel like I’m not a neat freak - just kind of normal house proud expecting a reasonable household with rules and structure.

AIBU?
No - expecting a tidy house and dss to be quiet after 10pm weekday nights is normal and bf needs to up his game or move out.
Yes - you have to lower expectations for a teenage boy and busy bf and should compromise.

How much more could you possibly compromise? What would that look like?
Your house is a tip and your boyfriend's son is keeping you awake all night.
By "compromise" bf means "shut up".

You're not happy. You can either continue to live like this and be unhappy. Or get them out and risk being unhappy without the relationship but to be honest I doubt you'll feel worse than you do now.

You and your daughter will have your home back

I’m a single parent with 2 sons - one age 19 (only home in uni holidays) and one 16 (about to do GCSEs). I’d say that teenage boys are naturally messy and loud, but you don’t have to accept it.

DS1 can obviously stay up as late as he likes, but he knows that once I go to bed he has to be quiet. He knows that if he kept me awake with his gaming after I’d told him to be quiet, then I’d be waking him up at 6am with 80s pop and lights on!

DS2 has a bed time, even in the holidays, varying between 11 and midnight. I take his phone away. He’s only 16, and I’m not allowing him to become nocturnal.

They can take snacks in their bedrooms but only if they bring the plates back down soon after.

I do tend to put their clothes away a bit, but not always. As long as they put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, if they want their own bedrooms to be messy then that’s their lookout.

OP I think you need to speak to your DP and explain what your rules and boundaries are, because it’s not sustainable as it is. And yes, your DSS will get less selfish as he gets older, but it’ll take a long time, maybe years.

This is far more normal than other PP’s are suggesting. A more measured approach could be helpful. By all means speak to your partner who is responsible for his son. But at 16 this won’t go on forever. Is he going to college or uni after his exams?
Your ex being a neat freak is relevant here. Are your expectations of a teenager reasonable?
I chose not to constantly argue and insist on unreasonable standards with my teenage DS and although he was never tidy this phase passed. His dad went full on crazy with his expectations and their relationship has suffered.
It’s up to you whether this is a reason to end your relationship and live as a single parent with your DD. But you may find that when she’s a teenager she’s very similar….plus you’ll likely have makeup on every surface and that’s a challenge to get off.

THIS
Why did you do this to your DD, even if they are the nicest men on the planet! What for????

It doesn't really matter if the boyfriends kid eventually becomes a functional adult, he may not.

There's plenty of threads on here from women who choose to live with some man and his layabout adult offspring.
OPs child doesn't benefit from these men being in her home.

It always comes down to the same thing. Selfish adults who put their needs and wants before their child.
op is complaining about a situation that she has full control over - it’s her home.
her poor dd.

Women who can't afford to support themselves financially are destined to live with men like this.

Thats just how it is.

It’s not “what they’re like” at all.

Please don't do this to your DD. She's being affected by it, and she's a little girl now having to share a home with an older, unrelated male (in fact, two). It's not fair on her.
It's not fair on you either tbf, but you're the one with the power to change the situation.

Totally agree with this post and it's particularly worrying that the females in the home are falling into a default position of tidying up and maintaining them.I'm concerned about the message this is giving to your daughter who presumably had complete autonomy prior to what another poster described as two males unrelated to her moved in.

Agree, poor kid, having two random blokes moved into her home.

I think the noise issue is a house issue rather than a person issue. It sounds like the DS is taking efforts to be quiet but the house is so badly soundproofed that just being awake is noisy. Moving house would fix this (if you picked the right house) so I'd ignore this issue when weighing everything up. Earplugs might help for now for you and DD.

Focus on how they need to be better and cleaning and tidying and not dumping their stuff everywhere. I think you need a family meeting where you lay out expectations for standards and set a trial period of say 3 months and if they are able to overhaul their standards and keep it that way then you'll consider buying.

Teenage boy rooms do tend to smell even when kept clean tbh. If he won't air it out due to fear of insects then maybe get a screen for the window in his room so none can come in when it's open.

I think this is very good advice.

They should move back out. You've had a trial and found out you weren't compatible and when you tried to talk to bf about it he got huffy and sulky.
Then when you suggested them moving back out he threatened you by saying "that we will break up if he moves out as between his new job, hobbies and ds we wouldn’t see each other much."
If he really loved you and wanted it to work he'd either have come up with a plan to improve the current living situation or he'd have said, ok, maybe it wasn't such a good idea at this point and I love you very much and want to be in a relationship with you so we'll move back out, stay together and we'll reassess the situation in a few years time when the children are older or DS has moved out.
But no...

Tell him the trial hasn't worked so he will have to move out and then see what happens regarding the relationship.

I wouldn’t let my actual husband and son do that. I think you need to lay out how things have to be if you’re going to co-habit, otherwise living together is off the table.

He sold his house to move in with you to test if it would work?
Why on earth did you agree to that?!

He leaves bowls, plates in room and clothes everywhere. If he showers then clothes just get left in bathroom and wet towel thrown in room. No idea which of his clothes are clean or dirty. I leave my bf to clean up after him. Problem is he doesn’t do it enough. And bf seems to now be joining in let’s just throw our clothes on the floor. The master bedroom floor is covered in bf clothes - dirty or clean is anyone’s guess.

This is unreasonable in my mind. Presumably it doesn't bother them but it does bother you so you will either leave it and be annoyed by it being there or you will clean it up-either is fine with them. You moaning about it will render you a 'nag'.

I think your expectations are not unreasonable and I would rather live in my own house, be a bit less well off, but have it tidy for me and my daughter.

They both soundlike slobs
Whoever were they bought up
Yabnu

BF sold his house last year and moved in with me to test how we would live together before buying together.

The test has failed. He now needs to move out. The rest of your post is just "noise".

If the relationship doesn't work with two houses then it wasn't a good relationship anyway.

This just isn’t working.

It’s incredibly difficult blending families and I wouldn’t do it unless I absolutely had to.

You’re only focusing on the youngest right now, who may need to move in full time snd not move out for another few years.
But you could also have the older children need to move in or if they have kids they may stay over or need to live with you too.

I think too many women get into a relationship with a man who only sees their DC part time and don’t take into account that circumstances change and the DC may need to stay over more/live with them full time.

If you’re struggling having 1 of his kids stay part time, then there’s no way I’d be risking having to live with him full time.

Tell DP it’s not working and just go back to living separately.

Easy peasy …stay living separately until kids have left home!

It sounds to me like now there is a grown woman around, and a younger one coming up the ranks, they are getting comfortable and letting you take on the unpaid, unappreciated “woman’s work” in the house,

You ask them/him to do basic tasks that take minutes and he “threatens” with splitting up.

Did you reply “That’s a chance I’ll willing to take” to indicate you won’t be bullied into domestic servitude?

We have teens boys, one doing GCSEs this summer. He isn’t the tidiest of creatures and doesn’t have gaming in his room it’s downstairs. He will go on a laptop late but we take that away when he needs sleep. But he, and his brother, bring plates, clothes down, make coffee and breakfasts, actually some other meals, change their beds, hoover, recycled, grab bins when emptied, bring washing in from line, put their clean dry clothes away. They are going to learn laundry and whole bedroom clean sweeps this summer.

We regularly explain to them that they are not to expect females to take on all the domestic and mental drudge because everyone wants and needs to work nowadays not just the big important men.

I guess getting them out is going to be a struggle but you have to decide what is best for you and your daughter. This is why I would never let another man move into my house because it would potentially be too difficult to get them out.

He’s basically saying “put up and shut up” and for that reason alone he would be gone.

DSS just sounds like a normal teenage boy and DP sounds like a wet blanket who isn't really attempting to parent.

I'd ask DP to move out and can reconsider when DSS moves to uni or whatever.

There is a balance as to what is acceptable.
If he is up at night he needs to keep quiet enough that it doesn’t affect your sleep or your daughter’s sleep. The very thin wall and light sleeping is problematic, as realistically any teenage boy will be up later than a 7 year old girl. Can you get the wall reinforced? Hang extra curtains?
i think a mess in his room is ok but had to bring dirty dishes back to kitchen each day. His dad needs to tell him to shower if there is BO.
Clothes and towels need to go in the wash, basically I think he leave his room a mess but not fair to impinge on others.

Can we not keep perpetuating the myth that teenage boys are destined to be disgusting pigs?

Living in a room that stinks of BO, with dirty plates, filthy clothes and damp towels all over the floor is absolutely not normal. It's an absolute health hazard and shouldn't be allowed.