Resilience is a funny thing. Sometimes you can posses more of it than at other times and there’s ways a finite element to it where something gives - be that your ability to cope or maybe even just your ability to take enjoyment and ‘feel’.
I’ve weathered umpteen bereavements, becoming homeless with 4-month-old twins when my then partner tried to strangle me and I left him, being a single parent to those twins and building a new life and career on my own. I’ve also done a job that itself exposed me to high levels of trauma. I survived it. Sometimes remarkably easy. Sometimes by the skin of my teeth with a feeling that I wasn’t going to make it.
I’ve learned many things as a result:
The impact of a happy and loving childhood cannot be underestimated. We were dirt poor and I lost my mum young but I was cherished and encouraged to fly at every step. That gave me a foundation of resilience because knowing you are loved does that.
Not everyone has that solid foundation and it puts them on the back foot straight away. Recognise that when some people appear particularly fragile.
You cannot be resilient alone. I’ve lost 99% of my family now but I have friends I’d cross continents and walk over hot coals to support if they needed me. Just like they have for me. I could not have got through the early years without their support. Many of them weren’t better off than me at the time but they listened and encouraged me to keep going and that’s priceless
Time is a healer in the sense that you need time to recover from one knock back before you can cope with the next. When my DC were about 4 I’d suffered a number of calamities - none of them that major in comparison to other things I’d been through - but because they’d come in quick succession I’d used up my ‘bank’ of resilience and nearly went under. The saying ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’ illustrates this. I remember that when people melt down about something seemingly insignificant.
I remember the kindnesses people showed me when I was low and vulnerable very keenly. To this day I try to pay it forward. Why be horrible if you can be kind? It’s perfectly possible to tell someone they’re fucking up badly in a kind way with supportive advice about how to approach things differently. Although I’d never offer unsolicited advice.
Never, ever, take things for granted. Lives can fall apart in seconds so hold on to what you value with every effort you can. Enough can go wrong outside your control without increasing the odds by not making people/roles you care about feel valued.
Learn to appreciate the little things. Sometimes there isn’t much good but being able to take enjoyment from a nice cup of hot chocolate on a rainy day raises a smile and little things like that can really help your overall mental state. These days I think they call it mindfulness.
Always try to consider things from someone else’s point of view. There’s always a reason if you look hard enough. You may not agree with it but looking for it not only makes you a far nicer and empathetic person, it also makes you a better judge of character.
Go to bed every night thinking about the things you can be grateful about. It helps you sleep better and tiredness makes everything harder.
I guess real resilience is the ability to go through shit and still have the ability to be happy. I’m fortunate enough to be in that situation. My DC are grown up, doing well and we have a great relationship. I’m very happily remarried, I still have those amazing friends and a few more, I have a job I love and have managed to treble my salary in the last 15 years.
However, I recognise that a lot of that is down to luck not hard work and it makes me feel very appreciative.
To everyone who has been through it 💐