Resilience… things you’ve been through where you realise you have built so much more resilience than the average person

[ThiasTime]

For me it’s having been a lone parent for the first two years of DD’s life. I had a c section and then three days later came home alone and just had to carry on. I had family support emotionally but nothing practically.

So many friends and family have had children since then and even the smallest thing can cause them to feel stressed or irritated or upset or tired. I have sympathy and always try my best not to let what I’ve been through stop me being compassionate… but the reality is that 95% of things people mention they struggle with with a newborn or small baby was really the tip of the iceberg for me when doing it all alone. Anyone else feel like this about experiences they’ve had?

Ive been through a lot OP.

I could probably pat myself on the back and tell you how resilient I am. I’ve handled it all, by myself. I’m sure some of my friends have had it “easier “. How would I know though? Maybe the little things they are stressed about is the tip of their iceberg too.

But as they say, the body keeps the score. I’m now in my 50’s and treating myself to some therapy, because the weight of all that resilience is something I’d quite like to put down now.

Nope. I fund the old “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger “ trope a load of bollocks personally and wish I’d not had awful things happen to me. My mother is a big proponent of it and she’s completely lacking in emotional intelligence , just trots it out as a terminating cliche. It also tends to cause attitudes like yours and mine if I don’t keep it in check ie the I had it hard and I coped so you are all pathetic and need to woman up. You see it all the time in here , weight loss threads in particular, the old I’m slim and I struggled so you are cheating if you don’t have it as hard as me.

Yup. Tricky childhood and DH mad I have difficult families who need a lot of support. When people complain about small things with their own families and parents I think how lucky they are to have such normalcy.

And growing up poor gave me really good resilience and work ethic which has helped me carve out a successful career.

I envy the care free childhood I’m giving my own DC but I do worry their lives are so easy, how can we build that resilience in them?

PS you sound amazing OP! Handing a baby from day one alone must have been unimaginably hard and after a C-section too.

Agree 100 per cent. Excellent post.

I’ve suffered x2 sudden bereavements within a short space of time. Friends my age now seem so much younger, more naive. I feel it’s aged me and set me apart from them.

I have lived in 8 countries so don't have much sympathy for people complaining about moving house once in the same city.

DH being diagnosed with a life limiting illness.

DH needing multiple hospital stays over the years, each one leaving me wondering if this is the one where he won’t come home.

4 miscarriages after finally getting positive tests following IVF

Finally having DC, and them being diagnosed with Autism

DH needing a liver transplant (not alcohol related). No family/ friend support

My own (painful) chronic health issues (Endo/arthritis)

Covid and the reality of the likelihood of it killing DH

DH becoming terminally ill and starting treatment to hopefully prolong his life

DH getting covid

DH dying and being left a widow at 45

I’m not so sure it’s resilience, it’s just a case of carrying on because the alternative is throwing myself off a cliff (which I am very close to at times) so yes, people whinging about the trivialities of life leaves me impatient. Like ‘I wish I only had your worries mate’, but it doesn’t mean the problems other people face aren’t stressful. They are just different to your own.

You know what they say? “Your next door neighbour may have broken his foot, but it’s your own big toe that’s hurting”

This sums it up beautifully. I’ve been to hell and back 100 times and I don’t think it’s made me stronger. I’ve coped simply because there is literally no other option, especially when you’ve got children. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Being in a position where you tell people you can’t cope and ask someone else to take the reigns for a bit is a luxury some don’t have.

But in my 50s I have a catalogue of health conditions which are no doubt exacerbated by a lifetime of stress, raised cortisol and exhaustion. My resilience hasn’t spared me that. Though I agree that I never sweat the small things, I’m very pragmatic and accepting, but I had years of therapy to get me here.

I surprised myself by holding down a full time very stressful job, with having MS, cancer and the menopause all at the same time. Couldn't have any menopause meds due to having cancer and MS. then the cancer meds made the menopause symptoms worse! It was a joy. For five years.

It is all relative and rather if you look down on others who haven't had it as hard as you.
Where does it stop? Stop complaining you got groped because I've been raped? This is really how it comes over.
I am envious of some situations of friends but the reality is that everyone has their troubles whether you see them or not and you cannot make any sort of comparison without being privy to all the background.

Kindly, as someone who has weathered many storms, and who has lost my DM, my DP and late last night, my DF, all in a brutal five year period, I feel that celebrating "resilience", which I may have in spades, is less useful than the humility I have developed.

While you say you try to retain compassion, because others experiences seem relatively trivial in comparison to your own, the thing to remember is that people's experiences and feelings are theirs alone and comparison is a fruitless exercise.

While your achievements and struggles are valid, and you can quite rightly feel proud of yourself, I caution against allowing such a mindset to take hold.

"Resilience" is used like a weapon these days, and sometimes it interferes with our capability to empathise. "Small" problems can seem huge in the moment, and yes, how we deal with them is part of life and learning.

I am just wary of falling into the trap of "pride before a fall", and sometimes it is the small things that test us as much as the big things, because we're complex creatures.

These things shouldn't be a competition really.

Yes, I think I'm more resilient than others. I've been through and done a lot.

But as others have said, it does have a long term effect. I'm actually quite numb in my emotions now, and I think really, it's due to all the stresses I've had to deal with. I also tend to keep people at arms length now. When I was younger, I was very keen to create bonds with others, to share, and be very open and giving. I think it's pretty obvious to people I'm closer to that I don't give as much emotionally anymore. I feel a bit as if I've used all of my giving up, dealing with my life shit.

To be clear… I’m not saying resilience should necessarily be celebrated. My post was more about how my experience totally alone with a newborn after birth had made me realise how resilient I had to be. I don’t see that resilience as a badge of honour.

It’s under promoted at the moment due to the increasing awareness of mental health difficulties (no judgement at all, it’s essential) but resilience is extremely important too, it’s just not the in ‘fashion’ for want of a better word.

@MistressoftheDarkSide i am very sorry for your loss xx

i wouldn’t say I think of myself more highly than the next person who has a baby and perhaps isn’t coping well. It was more an observation in that I hadn’t realised at the time just how much I had shouldered. I wouldn’t say I’m proud of it as such, either. I certainly wish it hadn’t been that way.

Single parenting from 5 months right throughout ds upbringing with no family support except for an elderly aunt over the phone.

Definitely has made me stronger as a person.

I agree with a lot that has been said. My family of origin had some severe abuse between siblings and I don’t know what to say about my parents, uncaring, ineffective, carpet sweeping, pretty narc “y”. I am estranged from them all. That has led to friends who just don’t get it being friendships I could not sustain. It affects my patience with people who can’t address their own issues and instead try to push them onto me because clearly I do address my issues.

It has been a long tiring journey to resilience but I definitely have it in spades but like others it has affected me physically and emotionally.

I think you can (and should!) be proud of yourself for navigating through a tough time and making it out the other side. You know what you are capable of when push comes to shove.

I also think you can recognise that while others may have had an “easier” time, you also have no idea how well they may also have coped in similar circumstances if they’d had no other choice.

With the greatest respect I think this is a an unpleasant and rather foolish thread.

Define resilience for start. What you describe doesn’t show resilience and the fact you think it does makes me question your “ resilience”. Women have been having babies in far worse circumstances since time began and still are.

You have a rocky ride if you think this is the pinicle of resilience. What you describe is nothing compared to the things I have had to contend with the past few years but I wouldn’t start a thread looking down on everybody else because I’ve experienced things no parent wants to.

You also have no idea what is going on in people’s lives.

Dealing with stage 4 endometriosis with some organs stuck together and having to work full time, hefty commute and three (wonderful horses) in and out of hospital recently and then never knowing if I can make plans. Being exhausted beyond belief.

It’s made me embrace every fit day I have because of the unpredictably. The resilience I have to pain is something I’d never imagine.

I’m 52 and hoping menopause happens soon, I’ve refused the radical hysterectomy and open bowel surgery because I don’t want a stoma bag with riding horses. They can’t guarantee beyond three months it can be reversed.

Recently had an ovarian torsion which twisted itself and untwisted. Was in hospital on a lot of drugs, with a fab nurse and doctor team.

Not sure if this counts as resilience. It’s tough though for me.

I lost my dad two years ago and in these dark moments he made me laugh a lot. I feel I’m part of death club nobody wants to belong to, that also has changed me and I have a very difficult marriage with my husband which longer term I would like to leave.

Sorry, maybe I’m just moaning OP.

You’ve done an amazing job.

With the greatest respect I think this is a an unpleasant and rather foolish thread.

OP knows exactly what they are up to.

Some interesting ideas on this thread already. My maternal grandmother lived and worked in the East End during world War Two, with my new born dad at first then without him as he was evacuated to East Anglia, a place even worse than London during the blitz, so gran said! Her brand new husband was missing in action without two months of the war beginning. She was very resilient, she was also very much live in the moment take your fun where you can,.sort of person.
I asked her how people felt after the fall of France and the defeat of Dunkirk, she said no one really noticed, she said " What were we supposed to do? Give up?" And then laughed at the absurdity of the idea. She said everyone she knew was happy during the war, she said everyone had a job to do and everyone shared their losses with everyone, no barriers to connection I guess.
The worst most difficult things are the things we have to face alone without connection and feeling as if no one understands. I have had so many bereavements and it really helped me when other people just got it because they had their own losses. My insomnia which drove me to despair, became a minor annoyance when I found online resources from others in a similar position. And I love talking about migraines with my medical and nursing people because they get it! Connection is the thing, resilience is like a scar but connection is the healing.

@Stayperfect i’m not looking down on anyone…