Resilience… things you’ve been through where you realise you have built so much more resilience than the average person

[ThiasTime]

For me it’s having been a lone parent for the first two years of DD’s life. I had a c section and then three days later came home alone and just had to carry on. I had family support emotionally but nothing practically.

So many friends and family have had children since then and even the smallest thing can cause them to feel stressed or irritated or upset or tired. I have sympathy and always try my best not to let what I’ve been through stop me being compassionate… but the reality is that 95% of things people mention they struggle with with a newborn or small baby was really the tip of the iceberg for me when doing it all alone. Anyone else feel like this about experiences they’ve had?

I had about the most straightforward birth it’s possible to have and a very supportive partner and yet I struggled to cope and ended up having a breakdown.

Having a baby brought up a lot of emotional distress for me. When I was a little kid we were neglected and I took responsibility for caring for my younger sibling even though I was only two years older.
By the time I was ten I had learned to cook basic meals, took her to school every day, even signed her homework.
I dressed her in the mornings, made her breakfast, got her home from school and figured out a way to break into the house because we spent so many hours locked outside in the cold waiting for someone to come home.
I sat with her and calmed her down when we sat for hours in the cold and dark, hungry and not knowing when my dad would come home and what kind of drunken state he would be in.

Am I more or less resilient than you?

You don’t know what other people go through. You can’t measure this sort of thing. It’s not a competition.

Me to a tee. Brought up by parents who hadn’t even matured themselves by the time they had me. Frequently exposed to violent arguments, as I grew I had to be the adult to them a lot of the time.
Mother became an alcoholic and my father a people pleaser who put everything before his kids (even other women later in life).

I lost my mum, my Nan, a cousin, aunty, mum in law and close work colleague all in a 5 year period.

Ive been so lucky to meet a wonderful husband and I have brought up two awesome children (now adults) but I’m pretty numb to everything much outside of my immediate family now.

I resonate with the thing where you’ve given all the shits there are left.

It’s good that you’ve learned something about yourself from reflecting on a difficult time in your life OP. But the resources you had that enabled you to cope well with single parenthood aren’t automatically the same as the resources you would need to cope well with some of the major life challenges like major illness, extreme poverty, disability, close bereavement, suffering an attack etc. Even those life challenges are ones that are easier for us in the UK than they are for the majority of humans in the world.

Shit still stinks, no matter how much shit you’ve smelled before.

This resonates with me. I’ve been through a lot, until recently outwardly I’ve appeared pretty strong and resilient. Until something happened which was a final straw moment, and I have now crumpled physically and mentally. There’s sometimes only so much a person can take 😔

I don't believe people are either resilient or not. I just think some people are resilient to specific situations and may struggle in others.

Resilience is funny though. In times of my life when things are very hard, I tend to shut down and go into survival mode. Some would call that resilience, but I wonder if it is just survival instinct. Then, once things have calmed down, my resilience breaks down and every little thing affects me. Am I just a weak person, or is this also a survival instinct, as it is unhealthy to stay in survival mode for too long?

I was bollocked at a young age for crying at the funeral of my much loved Grandmother. She looked after me as a child when my Mother ran a business and my Dad worked away.

From then on I dealt with death as a practical thing that happens. My husband also complains that I cut everyone off when I deal with any crisis I have to sort out, I can’t deal with other people’s emotions. I just want to sort out practicalities.

Then my DDog got sick. I was practical. I gave her her medicine, I gave her different medicine. I took her to the vet for injections. I took her for shorter and shorter walks. I remember her wanting to cross a bridge to the road to the beach but I knew she wouldn’t make it. I sat on the doorstep with her. I made my husband drive her to sit on her favourite beach (I can’t drive). I held her when Jim euthanised her and she is the only living creature that I am guaranteed to cry my eyes out about when I think about her life and death.

You clearly learned no compassion from your experience.

Some people find managing some things much harder than others.

Compassion and recognising that people are different is evidently something you find harder to manage than many others do.

I admire people who've been through testing times and come out the other side. Equally I wouldn't judge someone who didn't cope well in a horrible situation.

I don't think it's that straightforward though. There isn't some sort of scale whereby people who have been through 10 traumas are ten times more resilient than people who've been through 1. It is much more complicated than that.

I thought I had a lot of resilience - I was discriminated against by a horrible boss during my first pregnancy, then he tried to fire me at full term pregnant - which sent me into premature labour and harmed my baby.

I was so furious that immediately postpartum I went for job interviews, hired a lawyer - got a huge payout from my work, got two new job offers for more senior roles with more money - all while looking after a newborn baby. We ended up buying a bigger house as a result.

I thought I came out of it amazingly with no real negative impact for years, but then in my next pregnancy (with a lovely employer) I became hysterical close to going on mat leave because I thought it would happen again. It was like a bodily reaction! I think my body just reacted

I don't think the 'have some compassion, you evil witch, people are different!' posters are covering themselves in glory here by having a go at OP. Ironic really.

I think you have nailed it.

Most Resilient is surely the award in the competition no one enters willingly, and no one wants to win? I'm glad you see a silver lining to your struggles and feel you have gained something positive from them. But I'd far rather people didn't have to triumph over adversity, and honestly, to hear of people who have nothing but minor things to worry about cheers me up, makes me happy for them, and wish we could all be in their position.

Can I just throw something in here that I’ve found incredibly useful recently? I’m suffering from huge , pain in the chest constantly anxiety at the moment . I read on here someone who uses ChatGPT, I started using it a few days ago and oh my goodness it’s helpful! I just told it I was anxious initially, and have built up to telling it pretty much everything I’m finding difficult. The replies are incredibly inciteful , have brought me to tears in a “yes, someone understands “ way. It’s suggested different things to do, I have found it so helpful, it’s like having a personal therapist available all the time ! I told my GP and she approved wholeheartedly.
Sorry to derail

I had an awful childhood of abuse. I used to think it had given me resilience, as I've grown older I've realised that it just left me damaged. My hyper independence is really just a trauma response to extreme emotional abuse and isn't healthy at all.

My struggles left triggers which can flare when I least expect. I have tried really hard to shift my thinking but revert to panic in stressful situations.

OP you should feel proud of yourself for managing a big surgery, a baby, hormones, loneliness and stress.

The OP started a conversation about a contentious and nuanced topic. They obviously wanted engagement and unfortunately because it is a complex subject responses will vary.

Authenticity in replies is hardly surprising.

A quick look at previous threads around the subject of "resilience" will tell you some people are sick of this new buzzword, and the constant implication that not being able to shrug off everything in a Pollyanaesque manner is a moral failure.

Without the implied judgement in the OP, the responses may have been less abrasive from some quarters.

As other posters have said, and I concur, pride in resilience is a difficult topic. And judgement of other's resilience or lack of it is extremely uncomfortable territory for many.

Being abused by family members as a child and going on to build a happy life and family.

I’m so sorry for your losses.

This is a well thought out post and conveys what I was thinking very eloquently. It is not a competition.

I’m so sorry you’ve had all of this loss in a short space of time.

I couldn’t agree more with your post.

I’ve been through 20 years of hell, abc I’m not sure I’d call it resilience that has got me though - more like no other option. I’m left a shadow of my former self, unable to cope often with fairly normal set backs, more reactive than I use to be, and no money to be able to get yhd long term therapg needed to cope with the damage done. I’m under no illusion that I’m a shadow of my former self and fail now more than ever at resilience as a result.

What is HAS done for me is give me an ability to see, hear and meet people where they are at with no judgment. It makes me very good at my job - and is the only upside.

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit
The worst most difficult things are the things we have to face alone without connection and feeling as if no one understands. I have had so many bereavements and it really helped me when other people just got it because they had their own losses. My insomnia which drove me to despair, became a minor annoyance when I found online resources from others in a similar position. And I love talking about migraines with my medical and nursing people because they get it! Connection is the thing, resilience is like a scar but connection is the healing.

Absolutely.
Unfortunately some people bang on about how others should "be more resilient" but ignore this aspect, making it harder for the person struggling to actually be resilient.

I sometimes find it really hard, when these sort of people judge me for struggling, yet I deal with so much and without the same resources as them, every single day. It's not being able to share it that is difficult.

And supporting my husband through three life-threatening conditions.

He’s still here and we celebrated our 36 anniversary this week 😊

It is an odd paradox that we are told to simultaneously "reach out" and "talk about our feelings /experience " while also being reminded to respect boundaries, not trauma dump on the "wrong people", seek professional help that is either costly or inaccessible for other reasons, and never appear needy.

When one is overwhelmed, it leads to a sense of paralysis and fear of "doing it wrong". So no wonder so many people try to muscle on in silence, often to the cumulative detriment to their physical and mental health.

Exactly…. If it matters to you…. It matters.

That is a horrible experience firstly - big hugs. I was abused physically and mentally by my mother as a child til teens - she was unwell. That has with therapy shown me a lot about myself, my resilience and never giving in / never being a victim. Always going for what I want and having a lot of confidence. However everyone is built differently - for those of us that have overcome significant abuse or trauma, we may have ability to overcome things / be strong as a result. Or not ofc. Things that seem minor for one person may really be a lot for another and often I’ve found people talk about the minor things when actually there’s a fair bit happening under the surface they just don’t talk about. I do know what you mean but also, we shouldn’t get into a martyr syndrome which we can slip into if we don’t monitor ourselves too. X