Stop wrapping things up!! (please!)

[ILoveDrivingYey]

I can't stand it when people wrap things up in a fluffy way to protect your feelings etc..

Examples:

1. Instead of 'why have you worn the same top every day this week to work?' I was asked "what do you think would be the reason why someone would choose to wear the same clothes each day?" (Externalising the problem, not making about me)

1. Instead of: 'can you make the reports longer please', I get something like 'I love the way you write. It's so eloquent. I'd love to see a bit more of it and for your reports to be longer. I just love how you end with thought through conclusions (the shit sandwich).

1. Instead of 'can you take Bobby to the match on saturday'. I get "Oh you're sooo kind. It's really nice of you to take X and Y to football every week. How sweet. Are they going to the match this saturday? Bobby would love to go. You r so lovely I expect you'll be going to support Z..hint hint hint". (The not saying what you want)

I could go on.

I just like blunt people.

I'm a hypocrite because I'm far from blunt myself! But I hate all this wrapping up people do. I don't know where I stand! Sometimes it's hard work to figure out what people actually mean or are actually getting at! Just say it as it is. If you want something, ask. If you don't like something I did, tell me. If you want to know why I do something weird, ask..

Is it just me that finds it really unnerving when people don't just come out and say what they think/want etc..

Grrrr...!!

Have you asked people to be more direct with you? In all of your examples there are reasons that people are dancing a round the main message.

The shirt one… they were trying avoid the landmines around appearance, likely odor, and your self consciousness around your size.

The report one… if you’re the same person they had to have a conversation about your appearance and hygiene, you’re likely not in a great place.

The person wanting you to take Bobby next weekend they’re trying to suss out if they’re asking too much.

You might want direct, but you are likely also sending out mixed messages to people. So it’s on you to stop someone when you hear fuzzy and be direct yourself to ask them to get to the point.

There is a fine line between blunt and rude. I find most people who describe themselves as "blunt" don't know where that is.

I worked somewhere years ago where my colleague wore trainers without socks and her feet really did stink. The office manager called her in and said 'your fucking feet fucking stink get those fucking trainers in the washer' and that was that problem sorted

YABU for using the term "wrapping up" and no presents are mentioned

No 🙂

Sorry 🎁

Same, I was expecting a telling off for wrapping up presents and being lectured on the effects it was having on the environment, 😂

I thought it was gonna be about people wrapping things up to put them in the bin🤣🤣

You should meet my daughter… she’s 15 with raging ADHD and other ND issues. She’s that blunt I dread what’s going to come out of her mouth 99% of the time. She saw a
photo of me from when I was 15…. My older daughter was like “oh mum weren’t you cute” youngest daughter said “well you’ve let yourself go mum!”.

The OP has given me ideas to help her “wrap up”. Lol. South Park style “instead of shit say poo” (if Yano Yano).

I'm a bossy cunt and not worried. I can't imagine talking around things the way that OP has described in her examples, I would feel like I'm not actually asking anything to be done/ they aren't requests or questions.

"Your reports are great. I'd like to see more detail about x and ideally you should reach a minimum word count of y, because ..."

Thankfully I work with a bunch of Dutch and German men and they respond well to that, so...

I'm totally with you. I've always been very direct but tend to find others so 'woolly'. Just say what you mean, and mean what you say Goddamit!!

YABU - sorry.

I suspect most people think they want to hear it straight and receive direct feedback or instructions.

But when it comes down to it, and do actually hear it straight, they don't like it and think their interlocutor is rude, think they are being bullied.

Wrapping it up is a perfectly normal way of expressing what the OP is saying, whether or not every single person in the world is familiar with the expression.

Also, has no one on here ever heard of washing machines? Just because you wear the same thing several times doesn't mean you haven't washed it or that you smell.

OP - YANBU. But maybe try to find a job where you don't work with psychologists!

It's not missing the point at all - it is a very, very odd thing to say to anyone almost as odd as wearing the same thing to work every day.

As for "wrapping things up", it's very much a judgement call, based on the dynamics of a situation and how well you know the person you are dealing with.

Also the usefulness of the statement has to be considered too. Take the OP's second example which reads:

Instead of: ' 'can you make the reports longer please', I get something like 'I love the way you write. It's so eloquent. I'd love to see a bit more of it and for your reports to be longer. I just love how you end with thought through conclusions (the shit sandwich).

In this instance, whilst the first part is more blunt and straight to the point (the 'can you make the reports longer please'), it is no more useful than anything else that is said in lieu of same, as it lacks any indication as to what exactly is required, other than more of it.

Thus, in that situation I'd be just as hacked-off with being asked if I could make a report longer as I would if it were "wrapped up", if it was that the request for a longer report did not come with instructions as to what exactly needs to be put in to make it "longer"...I expect this is because whilst I appreciate being straight to the point, I value outcomes even more...there's no point being blunt if the information given is lacking usefulness and outcome.

Well they were either being nosy wankers or, as is more likely, were probably concerned for your mental state. Not bothering about hygiene/your physical appearance or health is a classic sign of depression. They were possibly trying to look out for you without risking upsetting or challenging you. That’s surely a good thing?

You probably have more of an idea which is true by how they carry on and interact with others at work.

Also you expecting bluntness while admitting you’re not like that yourself - 🤷‍♀️ do you expect them to be mind readers?

Why are posters assuming that OP didn’t wash her top between wears?

Or, also

You could stop telling people what to do.

As someone who has to wade through lengthy, waffly reports written by psychologists, I feel despair that anyone would tell you to make them lengthier. I wish they were more concise and to the point.

I'm a hypocrite because I'm far from blunt myself! But I hate all this wrapping up people do. I don't know where I stand! Sometimes it's hard work to figure out what people actually mean or are actually getting at! Just say it as it is. If you want something, ask. If you don't like something I did, tell me. If you want to know why I do something weird, ask..

• you lost me when you said you're far from blunt but you expect it from others!
• there is a balance and a middle line between being blunt aka bloody rude and being overly wordy and fluffy. It involved a steady gaze (not a stare) and "Please can you give a bit more detail in your report?", opening yo the opportunity for some dialogue. Rather than "this report is pointless without more detail" or the fluffy round about way you've described in your OP, neither of which are very useful approaches,

I agree OP, and I always think this when people on MN offer suggestions for what to say to someone who has annoyed them,or whatever. The suggestions are always full of passive agressive ‘wrappings’ 🙄

It’s quite an effort to get a top washed and dried overnight! It’s really not normal behaviour. Hence I assume it could only be linked to eg smell or that the top was particularly distinctive, eg colour or pattern?

But it makes no sense to me that anyone would comment on it because I have multiples of the same top that I wore like a uniform and never once did anyone notice or if they did, I doubt they cared. But it was just a black knitted top under a black suit jacket so it wasn’t very noticeable. But this was a very serious environment and clothes were not really the focus.

I have been known to say you're fishing for something and I don't know what, so could you please spit it out?

I would suggest moving to the Netherlands or Germany.

I am married to a German and have worked with a lot of Dutch people and they are much more direct. No shit sandwich - happy to just deliver the shit!

Ahh the Dutch! So blunt, so rude.

The hilarity is watching Dutch people try and decode British savagery disguised as politely neutral feedback.

So true. my German husband goes through life thinking everyone thinks he’s fab and then if they spell it out he does the puzzled ‘well why didn’t you just say so?’ Because he’s not offended by the bluntness either!