Friend angry with me for driving on night out

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It was a big birthday and we were all supposed to be travelling together by train. I couldn’t make the train time in the end as it was too early so messaged the group chat to say we’d meet them at the venue by car, one of us (me and other half) would be driving.

Shes now really cross with me for putting in no effort. I was still going but potentially driving and not drinking and just missing out the journey down.

AIBU?

By driving you are putting in more effort?

You're not being unreasonable, she is.

She's being ridiculous.

Does her enjoyment depend on other people drinking?
Thats ridiculous!

Bit of a strange attitude on her part. She’ll get over it, and herself hopefully.

It’s not compulsory to drink alcohol.

You put in no effort?

Tell the stupid woman to get over herself. Putting in no effort would have been not turning up at all.

Wow! Was the big birthday an 18th!🤔

She doesn't sound much of a friend tbh.

It sounds like the journey and drinking was part of the plan and you let her down.
It also sounds quite last minute.

Her BU would depend on the reason you changed the plans and how last minute it was.

If you’d knew for days that you might not be able to get the train but waited until the day to tell her then you are BU.

If she knew all along that your shift may finish late and therefore miss the train then she’s BU.

Was your partner invited initially?

Your friend is being unreasonable

What they mean is - I want you to drink not drive... so that it excuses the amount I plan to drink. You're spoiling my plan that everyone is going to drink because it's my birthday.

My driving to an event doesn't impact your ability to enjoy your night. If your night is dependant on me drinking, then YOU have a problem.

She's being OTT but it might depend slightly how many of you were going and how long the journey was/how much the train was part of the night out. (Still 20 others on a 10 minute train journey vs her on her own for 3 hours)

Tell her to get a life. Or just piss off.

Why was the train too early? Was that always a possibility?

Although, I regularly drive to events and don't drink, no one actually cares about it...

Going against the grain, if it was my friend more than my partner's I would expect them to drive. Otherwise I could see why she felt you'd deprioritised it (I wouldn't say anything though)

I am not even that much of a drinker, before people start about drink problems

How would she have reacted if you had made the train but just decided not to drink that night? Is that ruining her night as well? If so she is not your friend

Urgh, can’t stand idiots who need other people to drink to make themselves feel better. YANBU.

Some people have a weird attitude when it comes to social events and alcohol. They seem to think you have to drink to have a good time. Don’t feel pressured and stick to your guns. Showing up is what matters.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

it was a 40th and there was about 15 going on the train.

yes whenever I’ve said I’m not drinking it’s really annoyed them and they’ve taken it personally. So much so that I always end up drinking because of the problem it causes. They’ve also cancelled on me numerous times but because it was a ‘big’ birthday they feel really let down.

Another person who has quit drinking was driving, then somebody was ill and apparently I was the straw that broke the camels back.

I offered to take them out, cook them a meal, etc but they said they don’t want to and feel I made no effort and when I tried to defend my readonjng they said they don’t want to get into it with me. They are now not replying to my messages. She does has other stress going on in her life so feel it’s being taken out on me a little but there’s nothing I can do to help them with that but I’ve been as supportive as I can.

I booked a babysitter months in advance and didn’t take on any work so I could definitely go, I just couldn’t get the train. Somebody in he replies to my post asked whether it was last minute and in their defence it was a few hours beforehand so that could have made it worse but I just couldn’t make the timings work. My partner is part of the big group of friends we have but she’s closer to me than him.

They’re extremely stubborn and never see anyone else’s view and I’m pretty sure I’ll be cut off now.

I will ruminate over this FOREVER now and I keep checking my messages to see if I’ve heard from them 😢. Hate falling out with friends but especially so when I feel I’m not in the wrong.

Pressuring someone to drink alcohol is childish and immature. As we age we understand that people give up alcohol for a huge number of reasons and if someone says they’re not drinking that is a full answer. It doesn’t need fighting or questioning and it must be respected.

Also as we age we realise that we don’t necessarily need alcohol to have fun and be in social situations. If anything I feel sorry for you friend who thinks that she can only have a good time of steaming drunk.

If the issue rises again fight it with kindness and just say “I’m here to celebrate your day and be with friends and have a good time. I don’t need alcohol to do that please just be happy I’m here with you and respect my choices.”

Wow! After seeing your update, I wonder why you bother with them at all?
They are treating you terribly.

Can you really be arsed with them? Only friends if you validate their drinking by joining in, and having a tantrum when you don't? They need to grow up.

You need better friends.

Yes, these are not friends. Dump anyone who pressures you into drinking. If you want to be less immediate about it, call them out on it. Ask why it matters that you drink? I don’t think you’ll like the answer.

Find better friends. I’ve brought my two up to never do this. Never tease anyone or cajole them into drinking. dS2 doesn’t drink anyway -and is still underage - but I’ve hammered it into DS24 who likes a drink or several.

It doesn't sound like this group will be any loss. It's utterly ridiculous to be so dependent on being part of a large group who are drinking. What on earth is the point? Can they really not think of any other way to entertain themselves than being part of a raucous drunken group?

Time to find some friends who have actually grown up.

Let them. I'm not one for self-help stuff but I think in your case it could be helpful. Give it a Google.