Friend angry with me for driving on night out

[clickyteeclick]

It was a big birthday and we were all supposed to be travelling together by train. I couldn’t make the train time in the end as it was too early so messaged the group chat to say we’d meet them at the venue by car, one of us (me and other half) would be driving.

Shes now really cross with me for putting in no effort. I was still going but potentially driving and not drinking and just missing out the journey down.

AIBU?

Is she a heavy drinker? I’m trying to understand why everyone drinking is so central to her birthday. I find it very odd that a 40 year old woman is upset someone else isn’t drinking.

Tell her to grow up

I’d just message the group and say you’re really disappointed that from their reaction it appears that your friendship completely revolves around you having to consume alcohol then block them if they’re not responding to you.

When you’re not drinking do you sit quietly, half smiling nursing a coffee or coke and looking like you can’t wait to drive home, or do you still have fun and stay late? I think this makes the difference.

@clickyteeclick
I can see why she was disappointed as it sounds like the train was part of the afternoon out. Also what was the reason for it being too early? I guess if it was because of your partner she may feel you prioritised them?
In any case she is being completely OTT with her reaction. You might be better off if she does cut you off? It all sounds like quite a lot of strops & drama. I wouldn’t want that hassle in my life.

It's not you, it's her.

She can't handle you not drinking alcohol.

The reason why Is to her : fun=alcohol. Therefore: no alcohol =no fun.

The reason this type of person needs others to all be drinking is it diluted the spotlight on how much they're drinking /how drunk they are.

It shows an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I'd not be shy about letting her know that you not drinking has nothing to do with her. Furthermore, it has no bearing on whether she wants to drink or how much. One of you must have alcohol to have a good time (her) the other doesn't (you).

She's got a cheek getting snotty at you for absolutely no reason.

Surely she means the train journey being part of the night out? It can be fun to travel together for special occasions

My friends and I (tbh) were a bit like this in our twenties. I come from a heavy drinking culture and if you didn’t drink you were boring /ridiculous/spoiling it for everyone else. But as i got older my preferences changed and drinking became less important. Now I will have a few drinks if it’s an easy location but otherwise I drive, it’s cheaper too. At first this was met with horror but then another friend moved further out and struggled to use public transport and some had young kids so it became more normal.

You were making the effort because you were going to the event whether you drink or not is your choice nothing to do with anyone . You did nothing wrong.

Reasonable if the friendship ends, in my opinion.

I'm not seeing how these are good friends never mind just friends. Wouldn't want them in my life

This, and what is the obsession with everyone has to drink? If she has a drinking problem she needs to deal with that

Oh this happened to me! I drove to a friends hen as I hate being stuck a distance from home reliant on taxis or public transport, plus I get awfully car sick which is obviously worse if I drink so made much more sense to drive. I was told I ruined the hen party 🤷🏽‍♀️ by the bride and her mum!

They weren't so concerned about me ruining it when they were asking me for lifts home!!

Thank you so much. I’ll check this out definitely

Not to blow my own trumpet but I’m the life and soul drinking or not! 😂

We live in an insane culture. When I stopped drinking in my 20s I lost friends over it as they couldn’t handle me not drinking. It’s a really childish, pathetic attitude and would make me question whether I want to be friends with this person. You are doing all you can to attend by driving.

Oh my god that’s awful! Are you still friends? Cheeky buggers

Reading between the lines of your post, could it be that you’re a bit flakey/disorganised? You’d clearly planned to get the train with the group, so would have known the time and the arrangements - and then you’ve said that you “you couldn’t make it in the end because it was too early”. So are you someone who gets caught up in other things and loses track of time, or agrees to one plan but then does something else? Because that is annoying. Not enough to fall out over though.

I don’t drink either and maybe ten years ago it was a problem for some people but now it’s quite common, and would be a particularly sad reason for them to ditch a friend over.

People that favour your alcohol consumption over your presence are not real friends.

Childish behaviour from them.

it sounds like a chavvish mob to be honest. In what way does they have a positive influence in your life?

I couldn’t drop the kids off earlier than that at the babysitter. No my partner was coming and he may have been the one that drove.

What do you need to be rowdy and loud to be having a good time?

Gosh it's not you it's them!
It's very immature.
As I get further into my 40s feels like more and more people are stepping away from drinking for good reason, me included.
And you couldn't make the train!
I get that it can be perceived as changing the nature of a night out where everyone gets totally pissed together.
But with "friends" like that who needs enemies!

I stopped drinking in early 2000s, my 20s, because it was making me really ill. I drink rarely since then - I had a stint where I thought I'd had enough of a break and could go back to it, but nope. People acted like it was the most amazing, bizarre, unbelievable thing I could do. So much so that they didn't think to get mad at me for it, they were just stunned. It's more acceptable in some circles not to drink now and I think some people have taken that personally. It's not you, it's them. Don't give them any more headspace, they haven't earned it.

Should also say I came of age in the NE, where drinking was like breathing...

That would be fair but I’m the complete opposite. And not at all flakey. So if I ever can’t make something or cancel, which is rare everyone knows it must be bad!