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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if his family doesn’t like you, it’s time to walk away?

56 replies

TheWildMintBear · 17/04/2025 10:59

I’ve always felt that if a partner’s family isn’t supportive, it can be a huge red flag. If things were to go wrong, I’m not sure how much help they’d be. Anyone else think family dynamics should be a big consideration in a relationship?

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 17/04/2025 11:03

I thought my in-laws were odd the first time I met them. Cold, hard to make chit-chat with, I wouldn’t say they ever said they didn’t like me, but they were never kind or loving or even nice to me. 20 years later they are exactly the same. I don’t give a shit anymore. We do pleasantries but I don’t ever ask them for help. They say hello to their grandchildren but don’t hug them, kiss them. We have a totally different relationship with my family and that’s what matters.

Lanzarotelady · 17/04/2025 11:09

If things were to go wrong, I’m not sure how much help they’d be - in what respect OP, if you split up, if you need help with child care - what are you wanting from them?

Original poster
TheWildMintBear · 17/04/2025 11:18

Lanzarotelady · 17/04/2025 11:09

If things were to go wrong, I’m not sure how much help they’d be - in what respect OP, if you split up, if you need help with child care - what are you wanting from them?

I don’t mean I’d expect their family to step in and fix problems but more that it matters whether they’re supportive or neutral vs. cold or dismissive. For example, if you’re going through a rough patch or there’s a disagreement, it’s hard knowing their family is silently rooting for the relationship to fail or wouldn’t have your back in any way. Even emotionally. I’m not expecting childcare/financial support - just that a partner’s family being warm (or at least respectful) makes a difference in how secure and included you feel in the long term.

OP posts:
Dotjones · 17/04/2025 11:18

Depends on the person. It's not their fault their family are how they are. Some people are happy to introduce a partner to their family but have no intention of involving them in their future lives other than the basic minimum expected like sending a Christmas card.

If they're close to their family, and the family don't like you, that's a big🇨🇳because either they will expect you to have lots of contact with them in future or they will resent the fact you don't.

Shoxfordian · 17/04/2025 11:20

It depends how close they are with their family

user2848502016 · 17/04/2025 11:20

It depends how the partner feels really, if he also sees issues with his family and isn’t siding with them over everything then I don’t see that as a red flag. If they’re refusing to acknowledge problems or stand up for you then yes 🚩

JudasTree · 17/04/2025 11:22

It wouldn’t cost me a second thought. I’m quite fond of DH’s family, but his parents certainly would have preferred him to marry his previous girlfriend, who was much more their type of person. But it’s never bothered me. I married a person, not into a family, though I see them regularly and get along perfectly well with them.

mindutopia · 17/04/2025 11:27

I think it matters a lot more what your partner is like.

Lots of people come from dysfunctional families. For Dh and I, our families are actually alright to interact with them, probably overly fakely sweet and nice. But an absolute hot mess underneath it all. I am NC with my family and we are NC with some of Dh’s family, which causes issues in the sense that we don’t get invited to things if a particular family member is also invited.

But we are 100% supportive of each other in that decision. We don’t let our families impact our relationship and we don’t take any crap off them. The dysfunction stops outside our door.

Family not being supportive or being super toxic only impacts on your relationship if you let it in and you both don’t have firm boundaries in place. It would be a bonus if we had healthy functional families, but we don’t, so we make up for it by fully supporting each other and hopefully doing things differently for our children.

ARichtGoodDram · 17/04/2025 11:28

It depends on the situation.

If people judged me based on the relationship with my family I'd have been single forever - was removed from my parents at 7 because of abuse, grandparents who then raised me are dead and I'm NC with siblings due to my brother following my fathers lead with abuse and violence.

Partners who allow their family to be rude to you should be a red flag for sure.

Lanzarotelady · 17/04/2025 11:31

TheWildMintBear · 17/04/2025 11:18

I don’t mean I’d expect their family to step in and fix problems but more that it matters whether they’re supportive or neutral vs. cold or dismissive. For example, if you’re going through a rough patch or there’s a disagreement, it’s hard knowing their family is silently rooting for the relationship to fail or wouldn’t have your back in any way. Even emotionally. I’m not expecting childcare/financial support - just that a partner’s family being warm (or at least respectful) makes a difference in how secure and included you feel in the long term.

Edited
Show quote history

I miss read your post and answered on that basis

Lanzarotelady · 17/04/2025 11:36

Its not up to them to have your back though? Is it? Why would they know you're going through a bad patch?

TheWildMintBear · 17/04/2025 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pikkumyy77 · 17/04/2025 11:40

TheWildMintBear · 17/04/2025 11:18

I don’t mean I’d expect their family to step in and fix problems but more that it matters whether they’re supportive or neutral vs. cold or dismissive. For example, if you’re going through a rough patch or there’s a disagreement, it’s hard knowing their family is silently rooting for the relationship to fail or wouldn’t have your back in any way. Even emotionally. I’m not expecting childcare/financial support - just that a partner’s family being warm (or at least respectful) makes a difference in how secure and included you feel in the long term.

Edited
Show quote history

I think some people never have the back of outsiders. I would avoid a family culture that was to ic if my date seemed to support and normalize it. But, for instance, I wasn’t crazy about my in laws but they loved each other and my dh of 30 years certainly learned hiw to be a loving father and husband from them

Lanzarotelady · 17/04/2025 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

And I updated my post accordingly!

Original poster
TheWildMintBear · 17/04/2025 11:43

Lanzarotelady · 17/04/2025 11:36

Its not up to them to have your back though? Is it? Why would they know you're going through a bad patch?

I’m not saying they need to be actively involved in the relationship - just that if they’re aware something’s off, it helps when they’re neutral or kind, rather than cold or quietly rooting for things to fall apart. Of course they might not know every detail and I’m not expecting them to have my back like a best friend would. But if you’re in a long-term relationship, you do inevitably end up around each other’s families and how they treat you, especially during tense or distant periods, can really affect how supported you feel. I’m not asking them to fix anything, just to not actively add strain.

OP posts:
Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 17/04/2025 11:44

I think it's a stumbling block if your in-laws don't like you but doesn't make the relationship not worth it unless your partner isn't worth putting up with that. If they're a wonderful partner and they back you against the in-laws (us against the world mentality) then you'll be fine. So it's all about the partner really imo

Original poster
TheWildMintBear · 17/04/2025 11:45

Lanzarotelady · 17/04/2025 11:43

And I updated my post accordingly!

Show quote history

And I replied to you before you edited it.

OP posts:
Lanzarotelady · 17/04/2025 11:45

TheWildMintBear · 17/04/2025 11:43

I’m not saying they need to be actively involved in the relationship - just that if they’re aware something’s off, it helps when they’re neutral or kind, rather than cold or quietly rooting for things to fall apart. Of course they might not know every detail and I’m not expecting them to have my back like a best friend would. But if you’re in a long-term relationship, you do inevitably end up around each other’s families and how they treat you, especially during tense or distant periods, can really affect how supported you feel. I’m not asking them to fix anything, just to not actively add strain.

Show quote history

I wouldn't have expected my in-laws to get involved in my relationship.
Likewise I wouldn't get involved in my daughters relationship

Lanzarotelady · 17/04/2025 11:46

Their loyalty will be to their son would it not? Could you not seek support elsewhere?

faerietales · 17/04/2025 11:48

I don't think it's normal for your in-laws to know about issues and strains in your marriage. I certainly never speak to my parents about my relationship with DH and I know he would never tell his dad anything either (his mum sadly passed away last year).

My parents have always been kind and decent to DH and his parents have always been the same to me. However if we broke up, I wouldn't expect FIL to support me or help me at all - just as I wouldn't want my parents to help or support DH in the same scenario!

hazelnutvanillalatte · 17/04/2025 11:50

It depends...if he is close with them and agrees with them, definite no. The last thing you need is him running to/being manipulated by his toxic family every time you have a disagreement. But if he agrees with you and keeps his distance, maybe ok.

Gtggcd · 17/04/2025 11:53

Has anyone's DH ever strongly defended them? As in DH being "no mum/dad don't you dare speak to her that way"

Original poster
TheWildMintBear · 17/04/2025 11:53

Lanzarotelady · 17/04/2025 11:46

Their loyalty will be to their son would it not? Could you not seek support elsewhere?

Of course their loyalty would naturally be to their son - I completely understand that and wouldn’t expect anything different. But there’s a difference between supporting your family member and being actively hostile, dismissive, or cold toward their partner. I’m talking about basic warmth or at least neutrality - not switching sides or betraying anyone. And yes, people can (and do) seek support elsewhere but when you’re building a life with someone, it’s hard if you’re made to feel like an outsider in their family the entire time. That emotional tone matters more than people often admit.

OP posts:
JudasTree · 17/04/2025 11:58

TheWildMintBear · 17/04/2025 11:43

I’m not saying they need to be actively involved in the relationship - just that if they’re aware something’s off, it helps when they’re neutral or kind, rather than cold or quietly rooting for things to fall apart. Of course they might not know every detail and I’m not expecting them to have my back like a best friend would. But if you’re in a long-term relationship, you do inevitably end up around each other’s families and how they treat you, especially during tense or distant periods, can really affect how supported you feel. I’m not asking them to fix anything, just to not actively add strain.

Show quote history

I literally can’t imagine a situation where my family or DH’s, fond though I am of them, would have the remotest awareness of something being troubled or ‘off’ in our marriage.

Fgdvevfvdvfbdv · 17/04/2025 11:59

Funnily enough I was thinking this myself this morning.

My in-laws are toxic, spiteful, controlling, sly. Luckily my DH can see it and doesn’t want them in our lives. We went through a lot with them though before it got to that point. I was thinking how much less stress I would have been through if I had walked away from the start.

In-laws play a big part in your lives - are around for all the milestones etc, but if they are toxic they can ruin the lot. They are people in some ways that you have chosen too.

I think if I was advising a young woman starting out I would definitely tell her to consider what the whole of the in-laws were like before committing, especially the key members like MIL/FIL and run if they had a lot of negative traits. The only exception would be if the person had little to do with their toxic family from the start.