To think that if his family doesn’t like you, it’s time to walk away?

[TheWildMintBear]

I’ve always felt that if a partner’s family isn’t supportive, it can be a huge red flag. If things were to go wrong, I’m not sure how much help they’d be. Anyone else think family dynamics should be a big consideration in a relationship?

But there’s a difference between supporting your family member and being actively hostile, dismissive, or cold toward their partner.

Do you mean your in-laws are like that to you now? All the time? Or only when you and DH are having a rough patch?

So, they don't like you, you don't like them, can you not just draw a line under it and have limited contact?

It definitely depends on how your partner reacts to things. My MIL has been the biggest source of trouble in our marriage. No one is good enough for her perfect son, and she’s been jealous of me from the start. I’m the bad woman who took her baby boy away.
Unfortunately my husband can’t see what she’s like (she’s very manipulative). It’s a difficult situation. If I’d known before I married him what his mother was like, and how long she’d live for, I’d have reconsidered tbh. It’s been so horrible and stressful for such a long time.

You are very wedded to this. I don’t disagree that, all things being equal, a kind and supportive family is better than a cold, divisive, ot mean one. But I think the stumbling block for people here is that the partner (man) here seems to have vanished from your calculations. Perhaps you and he have a wonderful relationship and he ignores his awful parents? Or perhaps you and he have a terrible relationship and he ignores his (wonderful) parents?

Bad parents won’t affect a good relationship and good parents can’t save a bad relationship—nor should they. I often see MN suggest in troubled marriage threads “you should tell his mother! [he gambles/cheats/is lazy] like you are reporting to his manager. That’s a terribly unhealthy approach.

If you and your partner have friction (not talking about abuse) you should be able to work it out privately. If you can’t then end the relationship. A good relationship doesn’t have that much friction.

Not necessarily all the time, no, but I’ve experienced that kind of energy from a partner’s family in the past and it stuck with me. I think it’s more that during rough patches , any existing coldness or tension gets amplified and it makes you feel even more isolated, especially when you’re already vulnerable. That’s why I think how a family treats you matters. You might not expect them to be your cheerleaders 24/7 but if they’re quietly rooting against you or never warming up to you at all, it can make the relationship feel much more fragile.

I think limited contact can work and in some cases, it’s the healthiest option. But my original point was more about how a lack of support or warmth from a partner’s family can affect how secure the relationship feels overall, especially when challenges come up.

You don’t need to be close with in-laws but if there’s a constant sense of tension, coldness or disapproval, that can still seep in - even with limited contact. It’s not about forcing closeness. It’s about recognising that emotional dynamics matter, whether you see them every weekend or just at Christmas.

I actually agree with a lot of this - especially that a strong relationship shouldn’t rely on extended family to fix or manage issues. And yes, my focus here was more on the family side because that’s the angle I was thinking about - not because I see the partner as irrelevant. The health of the relationship is obviously the foundation.

But I do think persistent coldness, tension, or division from a partner’s family - even if he’s wonderful and loving - can erode the emotional safety of a relationship over time. Not necessarily because they’re involved in your business but because it can make you feel permanently outside the fold, which takes a toll.

I’m not talking about reporting him to his mum - totally agree, that dynamic is weird and unhelpful. Just saying that for some people, family warmth (or lack of it) does matter more than we like to admit.

Love my in laws and they make a huge effort to be in mine and my kids lives.

My mother is much more difficult to deal with but I don't take any bullshit from her.

Stop looking for validation of your realitionship vicariously. It either works or it doesn't.

A relationship should make your life better, if I doesn't, then change it.

Bluntly, OP, the fact that this matters so much to you suggests your relationship is pretty fragile — I mean, if you need bolstering from his family to this extent.

Why would your in-laws be aware of any rough patches to begin with?

I mean, yes, it's nice if you get on with your in-laws but you can't force it, so it's generally best not to think about it, to be honest.

I will admit it! And I think lots of posters here admit it! But the question is do you thriw a very good prospect overboard because his family is awful? Maybe you do. I certainly would look hard at family style and evaluate the risk they pose. But its not dispositive because, well, because there aren’t always tons of other perfect men to chose from. I had a lot of choice in my dating years (oddly) so a bad family background or style was not something I had to put up with. But I didn’t love DH’s family. I didn’t even like them. But I loved him and still do.

I wouldn’t expect in-laws to be involved in every detail and I agree that you can’t force closeness. But I think emotional tone matters, even in the background.

If there’s already coldness or tension, it tends to feel more noticeable during rough patches even if they don’t know what’s going on. It’s not about telling them personal things, it’s about whether they’re quietly supportive or quietly judging.

I’m not expecting family to carry a relationship but I also don’t think it’s always possible to totally compartmentalise them. Their attitude still shapes the emotional environment you’re operating in, whether you talk to them regularly or not.

Agree, don’t let it destroy an otherwise good relationship, just limit your contact, I’m sure they won’t mind.

I really appreciate this - it’s exactly the kind of balanced, honest take I was hoping to hear. I don’t think I’d automatically walk away from someone amazing just because their family’s difficult but I do think it’s worth factoring in how their family feels, especially long-term. Some people are great at holding boundaries and shielding you from it - others aren’t and it can slowly wear you down.

Totally agree that it’s not always a deal-breaker but it’s rarely irrelevant either. Sounds like you managed to make peace with it and that kind of emotional clarity really helps.

I think if they’re distant or indifferent or polite to your face, it doesn’t matter. Or if they won’t be a major part of your life (or your kids, if you have them). But I would never get involved with someone whose family was actively hostile or cold to me, unless they were NC. The idea of a man who is spineless enough to allow his family to treat his partner badly is incredibly unattractive.

It’s one thing if decent relationships decline later on or due to an incident, but I don’t really have a lot of sympathy for women who are in toxic in-law situations since the start of the relationship. I just wonder why their standards were low enough to choose a man who is either a spineless loser (if he sees it and won’t handle it) or a nasty person (if he doesn’t believe their family are doing anything wrong) as a partner.

I don’t think it’s really a family issue but more of a boundaries issue, both for you and your partner.

My PIL are stand offish, with everyone. Always have been. My relationship with my husband is & has always been amazing, he’s not close with his parents, they don’t form any real part of our relationship at all. We love each other, we see PIL a few times a year and I truly couldn’t give a fuck what they think of me, I love their son, he loves me and we’ve built a beautiful life together. I tried to make them like me in the early days, quickly realised that was a pointless task, and accepted that actually I don’t care, neither does my husband.

But this concept of families being supportive or hostile when you’re going through rough patches is weird, neither my parents nor my PIL are that much in the loop with our relationship and nor should their be. My parents love my husband but if we were going through a rough patch and I was slating my husband to them then they would take my side over his, every single time, that’s what parents do.

I don't think I would ditch a guy because his family were awful to me, but I would want a full understanding and acceptance from him that they were awful to me, iyswim. It seems to me a lot of problems arise when the family are awful and the man absolutely pretends they are fine, great actually! Because usually they are, to their kids.

What I would say is if you find a man whose family are lovely, omg keep him dear to your heart, because that will be such an asset to you and your children. (Unless he's a prick, in that case you mourn the loss of the family and not of him.)

I think the behaviour of a partner's family is less important, in isolation, than the behaviur of the partner in the context of his/her family. So if his family are cold, unwelcoming, unkind... buthe insists you spend every Sunday with them, is totally enmeshed in their lives etc, then no, your relationship is unlikely to survive, or at least, not in a healthy and happy way.

If they are cold and unwelcoming and unkind but your DP sees that, protects you from that and/or defends you, then it's less of an issue.

Red flag for what exactly? I love my husband but his parents are appalling and he’s not close with them. I wouldn’t base my relationship on how I or he feels about them.

It’s how the partner reacts though. I had concerns about my MIL from early on, but I was young and naive and I wasn’t prepared for how she was going to get worse over time and how my husband would side with her more and more. So the red flag is, the in-laws can get their claws in deeper over time and play the long game. It can be difficult to know if it’ll get to this.

My in-laws made lots of noises about being caring and supportive and on paper it looked ideal. In reality they weren’t, it’s all an illusion.

expect the best but prepare for the worst.

But that’s a bit different — if your in-laws hate you and your partner is very close with them or even dependent on them, that’s not the same as not getting on with your in-laws in general.

My MiL would certainly have preferred DH to stay with his previous girlfriend. She wasn’t actively hostile, but not particularly friendly. FiL was more approachable.

I wouldn’t have dreamed of sharing any troubles with them and I wouldn’t have expected help or support. I wouldn’t interfere in the relationships of my children either. I just pray they remain happy.

It’s important if their views or behaviour will affect your relationship. Ex partners family clearly talked about me to him and didn’t approve of me, or his previous partner. I’ve no clue what I did, if anything, and it was obvious that he’d never defend me or even clarify what their issue was. I was only ever polite and friendly. That was part of the final straw. You can’t stay with someone whose family doesn’t like you and won’t say why if they’re all close.
I’m still close to exH’s family now so I know it wasn’t me!

Depends on how close dp is to their parents. If they are no contact or little contact no issue. If their a mummy or daddys boy (mines a daddys boy) sends his dad his money and spends alot of time with him it's over bearing. I hate his dad his dad hates me he's a raging narc. It's impacting our relationship and I'm at breaking point I've split up he won't accept keeps coming bk.

Now my ex mil to my ex husband she was amazing truly amazing and I love her to bits. Infact it took me a year of emotionally distancing myself from ex mil so I could leave the husband