2 year old who doesn’t like clothes and to leave the house with me

[ellie1789]

Hi,

I’m looking for some tips for my tricky son to get him dressed and leave the house. He does it for everyone else but me and his dad, except when it’s football. He’ll get dressed for that. I’ve tried letting him choose his outfit, distracting him, forcing it on, leaving without him etc, and nothing works. He’s fussy with clothes and textures, but for others will wear them. He initially hides and smiles as it’s a game. I try to be firm but he ends up crying and taking the clothes off. I’m a SAHM with a 6 month old too, and it feels like we spend all of our time at home as my 2.5 year old is so tricky to manage. He’s been hypersensitive since he was born, and I don’t think he was ADHD nor autism. He certainly has traits of both but I think he’s just being a determined and clever child. I think pre-school will help but am slightly nervous for how we’ll get there on time. I’d get him dressed in the car if I could but he currently won’t even put his nappy on and I think it’ll be too hard to do with him he prams and car seats in the car too

I’m so tired and overstimulated from breastfeeding and being at home with two. Any tips would be appreciated as this has been going on for a long time now

I stopped buying PJs for mine when little (2 of them had sensory issues but I didn't realise what it was until much later when I did OT training, they were also a bit dyspraxic which may become evident later with handwriting, tying shoelaces and bike riding which was a nightmare to teach). Soft grey joggers and t shirts after bath double for PJs and save getting dressed the next morning they'd wear the same t shirts as vests in winter. My youngest preferred second hand clothes as he said they feel nicer (think well washed and stretched equals comfort to him). He's in his 30s now and still claims his brothers cast offs, hardly buys anything😂 and tags at the neck are a definite no no (i confess I've always cut mine out so I presume it's a hereditary thing and I can only feel comfortable in cotton clothing).

I agree with other posters not to give too many choices as they don't seem to be able to cope with that, just find out which he likes and stick with those even if it's a few only on rotation. And if he wants to wear wellies in the sun let him, mine wore friend's girls clothes cast offs frequently as softer despite being all boys and ignore other people, anybody who has had toddlers will understand😜

As the parent of an ASD child he sounds exactly like he is ND.

You mention anxiety too.

He kicks off with you and his dad because you’re his safe people and he doesn’t need to hide anything.

I’ll give that a go soon. Nothing I did today worked. Dad eventually managed to get him dressed after I left the house. The games, choosing, and forcing clothes didn’t work. Only after I’d left did he realise he didn’t want to stay with a cross daddy so let him put his clothes on.

I’ve now left the house without a dummy for my youngest and toddler has fallen asleep in the car. Am going to have to get a McDonald’s drive thru for lunch as I’m trapped. Today and most days are crap and never go to plan

Yes I’ve always thought that there was some there. As he’s developing well the experts think he’ll be okay, but it’ll be interesting when he goes to pre-school with how he gets on. He’s hated strangers for a long time but he’s seemed a bit better recently. We have regular check ins for his behaviour and weight/height but it’s all just being monitored at the moment

He’s smiling because a) he wants to involve you in a game or b) because he’s trying to get you to not be angry. He’s not laughing at you - he doesn’t have the cognitive ability to mock someone yet. It does feel like it’s mockery, but I promise you it’s not. I’d also say if you’ve been trying for 1.5 hours, that’s a HECK of a lot of reward for him in terms of attention. You said he has a baby sibling - does he get enough attention now, just one to one? If this is the main time he gets to be the focus I can absolutely see why he’s doing it. Remember even negative attention is reinforcing the behaviour.

Would he be happier if he could dress himself? My 2.5 yo could get shorts on and a t-shirt by himself with me there to help him if he got stuck. Lots of praise for doing it etc. Definitely look at whether there are issues with the textures or labels in the clothes. My friend’s DD refuses to wear shoes and socks or long sleeves. You’re not alone, it’s really common.

The experts sound crap.

My dd ‘developed so well’ she flew under the radar. Talked at one, laughed, sociable, interacted, maintained eye contact.

“Only after I’d left did he realise he didn’t want to stay with a cross daddy so let him put his clothes on.”

Here’s your answer OP. He likes doing this because he gets to be with you and only you. As soon as his reward (you) was gone, he complied. Try to make him feel confident that he has your attention for other things. Not easy with other siblings to manage, I know.

This is what I'd do

I just want to say hang in there and it will get better. My daughter was exactly the same at this age and it has got easier but she (at 6) still will only wear what she wants. She won’t wear socks (just crocs) & will only wear dresses. She will not wear leggings or trousers. She hates wearing cardigans or coats but will concede when it’s cold enough. Other than this she is a normal bright girl. She has a very strong sense of what she feels good/right in.

What do I wish I’d done when she was younger? Just taken her out in PJs/whatever she would wear, worried less, not made it into such a big thing, taken her to a shop and let her buy whatever she liked rather than what I liked.

I don’t know if that helps but hang in there x

https://www.instagram.com/drchelsey_parenting?igsh=MTk2aXhsNTBjaHo3Zw==

Dr. Chelsey on instagram is very good for things like this.

I put a post about this a couple of days ago where I feel like my youngest is abandoned more than I’m comfortable with. The eldest takes up a lot of time as wants constant engagement. Luckily during the majority of this morning my youngest was napping but any time he’s awake I feel like he’s on the floor too much. I got a response saying to lean in to it, but I’m finding it really hard as I can’t get anything done, nor enjoy my second and am so overstimulated at the end of the day.

I’ve tried to get him to many times but he doesn’t even try. Just says for mummy to do it. He can get his wellies on (sometimes on the wrong feet), but everything is so hard with a child that won’t cooperate. I feel like I’m getting nowhere

i definitely think it’s linked to this. He honestly gets my attention all day long. I think he’s got used to it which is the problem. He’s the first grandchild and gets all of the attention. He seems to expect it all of the time when at home. We don’t do screen time much as he can’t cope with it. The trouble is my 6 month old is totally abandoned the poor thing

He’s asked for a few colours, I get them out, then he says he wants the opposite and doesn’t like that colour.

Sounds like too many choices, and the choices are too open. Give him an either /or choice. So choose two T-shirts, "DS do you want the red one or the green one." Counter any disagreement with "you chose the red one, let's put it on."

"Do you want to get dressed by yourself, or do you want mummy to dress you?"
i.e. you're not giving him an option not to get dressed.

(We might have left the house once in winter with DC wearing pants, t-shirt, a woolly hat and shoes and socks...made it to the end of the road before he asked to get dressed)

That’s interesting. My son is the exact same - speaks really well, walked by one, recites books, uses hard words etc. Loves his direct family so will engage etc, but anyone else he cries, shuts his eyes or hides. I’ve no idea what box I need to mark to get more help if it’s needed. He’s my first so this is all so new to me

So I’ll then put the colour on that he previously said he wanted, he’ll cry and take it off. Back to square one. I’ve done that a few times before. The trouble today was he wouldn’t put anything on for ages and with no nappy, I didn’t want to have a wet car seat. I’ll definitely do that more in future

Take him out in his pyjamas . You have a young child and a baby. This is not a hill to die on. Let people look . I suspect you are far more bothered than anyone else.
If he is clean , fed , healthy and loved - you are doing well.
Potty training at this point is far more important … and will make your life easier .

@olympicsrock totally agree.

"Take him out in his pyjamas . You have a young child and a baby. This is not a hill to die on. Let people look . I suspect you are far more bothered than anyone else"

Timer to get dressed?
Race against mum?
I've had students who went to bed in their uniform and that helped with that first morning stress of getting dressed.
Laying out clothes the night before works for my son.
You say football is okay... does he wear the same thing to football every time, a uniform? Could you have a uniform for nursery? Or for whatever activity? Might be tricky, but could you introduce his uniform to him and then he wears the same thing. This worked for another student of mine, he had a Monday uniform, a tuesday uniform, etc. The structure and routine was what was needed, laid out the night before. They were clothes that were comfortable and very similar. Mum wrote on the label what day of the week everything was to help manage it.
If it helps this got better for my son when I removed the choice option on the morning, he would shut down in the morning and it came across like he didn't respect me, but really he feels safe with me to show how he truly feels. School uniform was a massive pro for us, same with clubs like football kit. Some weekends or half terms we still have problems, I've taken him out in pjs before, took the coat and eventually he made the decision he was cold and I offered the coat. He would refuse until he needed it. This was also when he was two.

Wishing you luck, so hard!

Go back and speak in their language.

Difficulties with transitions. Refusal to leave house
Refusal to get dressed or wear clothes ( extreme sensory issues).
Demand avoidance: as above
High levels of anxiety
Fearful of strangers
Exploded with mum and dad ( holds it together for other people) this is masking.

He can still be intelligent, friendly and bright and be ASD or ADHD.

All toddlers are hard. It’s the extremities you describe that alert me.

I have not read everyone else's posts so I am sure there's some crossover.

DS has Sensory Processing Disorder (and, as it turns out, ADHD, but as a toddler it was the SPD that was the key issue).

First, what is quite scary is how even at such a young age, they learn to mask. You say he'll do it for other people.... but look closely at those situations and ask yourself if he's really happy or does he find excuses to come home early or to do something different? DS was, frankly, a bit scared of my sister so would dress or whatever for her... but the first moment he got, he was back to taking things off for finding sneaky ways round it.

Second, remember that with SPD it can be the feeling of the clothes, yes, but also, the feelings involved in putting clothes on/off. So, for example, in DS' case, anything that went over his head he would resist massively. And we only realised quite how bad it was for him after we had another baby and saw the difference. So once a t0shirt is on, he'd want to keep it on for DAYS if he could, simply to avoid taking it off and putting on a new one.

One way round this was pyjamas that could be worn as t-shirts. We had a large collection from places like Character.com - star wars, spiderman, peppa pig etc - that were long sleeved and he'd wear them at night, then into the next day and take off at bath time.

Third, layers and restrictions can be especially unpleasant for them. As a result, yes, DH adn I were those parents with the child wearing a pair of trackies and a long sleeve t-shirt coming in and out of the soft play with no coat on for the trip back to the car etc. You really do have to sort of accept that other people can judge you all they like... you're doing what's best for you and your child.

Four - if you find things he likes and feels comfortable in, let him wear them. Also, if there are particular areas of resistance, see if you can identify what they are. Our life was completely transformed when we switched to seamless bamboo socks for example. getting his shoes on and out the door was SUCH a nightmare. Until the switch. Then suddenly life got easier.

Son used to be like this with socks and used to put them on inside out maybe let him keep pjs on under clothes?

I'd be agreeing with this thread, that it sounds more like your DS is ND, rather than awkward or 'naughty'. My eldest DS is definitely ND, but doesn't fit any of the typical 'boxes' for clearly being autistic or similar. I'd recommend the book 'When the Naughty Step doesn't work'. It has really helped me understand how to make things easier for us as parents and my DS (wish i'd read it earlier!). Essentially though i'd try to make life as easy as possible for yourself at this age - it really doesn't matter if he goes out in PJs if he feels comfy in those. Focus on things that do really matter (eg he needs a nappy to go to soft play, but maybe not to play in the garden), and for other stuff, try to go with the path of least resistance. I appreciate this is not what we are traditionally told to do as parents though and its so hard not to focus on what other people will think!

We had hell until I worked out DD needed soft jersey and zero labels, even soft ones. DS is utterly different and wants tight stuff.

If there is anything - literally anything - that he’ll wear, let him. We lived in fancy dress for a few years. When they were your son’s age they spent cold weather in fluffy onesie animals. How weather was swimming costumes and wellies. As long as it all looks clean and tidy idgaf about anything else any more!

(13yo DD just attended a group session in her cat ears, cat hat/scarf, leopard print leggings, Halloween cat top…. There’s a theme 😁)

Just take him out as he is, take some clothes with you and if he gets cold or gets worried people are looking at him let him put them on. If not he'll be fine. If he's in his pjs or half dressed it really doesn't matter, and it's being built up into a big problem, five minutes to get dressed and then we're off! (One way or another)

My son is 2.5 and went through a similar phase a month or so ago. I often let him go out in his PJ top if its clean and passes for daywear. I change his bottoms though. I think it's just them trying to exert some control.

He has been SO much better since potty training - don't know why. I had to potty train a few weeks earlier than I was anticipating as he was refusing to take his dirty and wet nappies off.