I know IABU but I cant seem to let this go

[PyongyangKipperbang]

DD is almost 14 and perfectly sensible. She can be completely self caring, she is hard working blah blah.

But during the holidays and after school for a couple of hours term time, she lets herself in and is by herself. Since her brother left for Uni last year I have put a rule in place that she cant eat cherry tomatoes, grapes or anything like that unless I am home because of the choking risk.

I KNOW that this is ridiculous but luckily DD thinks I am mad but indulges me.

I suspect it is from my attending the funeral of an old friend who was otherwise healthy, who passed away from choking at around the same time DS left. His wife was with him and called 999 after she couldnt help him and he still died. She would be on her own so she would have no help at all.

I know it is high level paranoia but I cant seem to let it go, probably because there is a voice saying "but what if you let her and then she chokes.....".

Mad I know.

Its sweet that she indulges you, but yeah, of course you are being unreasonable. Your daughter could be swigging packets of smarties and skittles back at school and you’d be none the wiser.

You are being unreasonable but you are reasonable to recognise it! To be fair, the story of the family friend choking does seem very traumatic, so your paranoia is understandable.
If she pushes back sometime you will have to figure out a way to deal with the fear though. How do you feel about your DS being away at uni and (presumably) eating cherry tomatoes any time he wants?

You can choke on almost any food.
A man died in a restaurant recently choking on a piece of chicken.

What did your friend choke on

Yeah, very gently, yabu

You don't sound horrible though- I'd just make her promise to take care of herself and I'd let her know just how dear she is to me xx

He is built like a rugby player, she is tiny!

I think your instructions could be counter productive. She probably had no intention of eating cherry tomatoes or grapes etc but you've planted the idea in her mind now. At her age, I'd have disobeyed out of curiosity or rebellion! You know YABU so why not make an effort to stop?

Well done! Chickens banned now!

@PyongyangKipperbang no joking aside maybe some therapy might help to try and rationalise your thoughts and fears

What if she agreed to cut them in half? Could that be a compromise? She sounds like she understands your fear, could you trust her to actually cut them?

I really feel for you. I’ve had GAD in the past and I had exactly the same feelings about my children, I know exactly how terrifying it is. I’m very sorry about your friend.

But you CANNOT put your neurosis onto your dd, it is really unfair and will mess her up too. You need to see your GP and get this sorted. People die in all kinds of ways. If you don’t tackle this it will grow and you’ll end up fretting about her falling down the stairs, or drowning in the bath or a fire starting. It’s no way to live for either of you.

This where the IABU really comes out....

(And is outing, so I apologise if anyone recognises this. He was my friend and his wife and I are good friends, I mean no disrespect)

It was a piece of sausage. They were having a chip shop dinner. It was so random and awful.

Can a 13 year old choke on those? (Genuine question)

I worry about grapes and things too OP.

Surely at 14 you can explain to her to chew these foods before swallowing?

Would it help if you research the Himleich manoeuvre that you can do if you are alone when you choke . It involves bending over a chair. Get her to demonstrate it for you ?

What is the relevance? Are wannabe rugby players less able to choke?

She wont. We are both ..... wired differently (not diagnosed) and I have a few rules of hers that I follow for the same reason. We are a family of oddballs.

You are passing on your fears to her, which is terrible.

I bet you’re still eating grapes and cherry tomatoes when no one is around.

I totally understand this. I almost lost my ds as a small toddler from choking, I’m talking not breathing, purple and floppy. The scariest day of my life. He’s a teen now and I tell him not to eat certain things while I’m out. I used to say he couldn’t eat at all while I nipped out which is crazy, I know, but it totally traumatised me. He indulges me too (about avoiding certain things). I know it’s irrational but I am terrified of choking or having to see any of my children (or anyone) like that again.

I don’t have any advice how to move past the fear just wanted to say I totally get it.

You are being controlling people can dress it up the way they want its still controlling are you this obsessive of other things to her?

Well the house fire thing, we have a drill for, always have had since eldest (now 34) was little. Doesnt everyone?

Get out if you can. If you cant call 999 and smash your bedroom window (single glazing, so smashable). Then call next door.

Surely everyone has a fire drill?!

No, but in my head....it makes sense.

Thats why I said I kinow IABU.

Daft that I am ok with her making her lunch, when she could just as easily choke on a ham sandwich but I am fixated on the things that you dont let toddlers eat unsupervised.

I feel the same about those 2 foods, as my DC have got older I’ve always told them to bite them and never put them in whole.
The reality is they can choke on anything. My DH had a 1/8 of a large tomato caught in his throat the other day, but luckily managed to pull it back out.

Respectfully, OP, you need to find a way to deal with this.

I saw someone die after choking on a piece of steak — in Dubai, no proper street addresses, illogical road layouts, so not unusual then to see the emergency services dashing about trying to find someone. A friend of a friend died tripping down the stairs on her dressing gown cord. Broken neck. When I was about five, the next door neighbour’s baby died of SIDS, and I remember to this day her running in with the baby and screaming for my mother, though I didn’t know what had happened. A friend’s healthy 13 year old’s heart stopped during a PE lesson, and he only survived because they had a defibrillator in the actual hall, the teacher had just been trained to use it, and they lived close to a paediatric cardiac unit.

All these things are horrible, and terrifying, but you need to find a way of dealing with the thoughts, and to put it on your child.

No. In fact in her friendship group, I am the "cool" mum! Except when it comes to small fruit it seems!

No, everyone doesn't. It never even occurred to me, though perhaps it should have. However, there is danger everywhere if you look hard enough and you have to balance taking sensible precautions with having a life.