I know IABU but I cant seem to let this go

[PyongyangKipperbang]

DD is almost 14 and perfectly sensible. She can be completely self caring, she is hard working blah blah.

But during the holidays and after school for a couple of hours term time, she lets herself in and is by herself. Since her brother left for Uni last year I have put a rule in place that she cant eat cherry tomatoes, grapes or anything like that unless I am home because of the choking risk.

I KNOW that this is ridiculous but luckily DD thinks I am mad but indulges me.

I suspect it is from my attending the funeral of an old friend who was otherwise healthy, who passed away from choking at around the same time DS left. His wife was with him and called 999 after she couldnt help him and he still died. She would be on her own so she would have no help at all.

I know it is high level paranoia but I cant seem to let it go, probably because there is a voice saying "but what if you let her and then she chokes.....".

Mad I know.

I grew up in the 70's and literally every family I knew had one. But then house electrics, gas fires, etc safety wasnt as good as it is now. House fires are (now) thankfully a rarity but I think thats probably because of the shonky work done on houses in those days. Dodgy boilers, highly inflammable soft furnishings, smoking and drinking in hard conjunction, nylon clothes.

It was drummed into all of us as kids how to get out or get help in a fire.

Get a life vac?

I read about a kid (not too young though, I believe 7 or older) that died from chocking on a piece of sausage in a restaurant and the staff didn’t know what to do.

I grew up in the 60s and the only heating in our house was an open coal fire. Also, my mum smoked so there was plenty of risk of a house fire! No smoke alarms either. But we never had a fire drill and not did any of my friends to my knowledge. Maybe public awareness or government warnings came in later?

I think that’s rather lovely, what a kind family you must be

Op, I get it. The Heimlich manoevre is taught widely but I don't think its as widely taught that you can do it on yourself. I used to work in the NHS so I got taught it as part of the training, lucky for me as I needed it. In my case it was a bite of sandwich. Honestly if your DD is okay with it then I wouldn't be too worried, it sounds like the two of you have a good relationship. I haven't voted.....I mean it is unreasonable but if your DD is ok with it, its perhaps better than piling stress on you. I would say one thing though shich is that this ever starts to spread....ie you add more thing she can't eat or more things she can't do, then please do get some help.

Just get her to cut them if she wants to eat them?

I would make the effort to over come this if I were you, with self help strategies or talking therapy if required. It's even possible some form of medication may help you, though at this stage may well not be necessary.

I am not so much saying this for your daughter's sake (she clearly sees your rules as slightly endearing, and you aren't restricting her freedom in any meaningful way). But for your own.

This sort of thing can easily escalate. I have a family member who started off with some minor random health tyoe anxieties such as this, refused to do anything about them, and over time they proliferated - she now lives and very strange and restricted life. It's mildly frustrating and sad for those of us who love her, it's hell for her really......

You know it's not normal OP. Please. Deal with it while it's manageable. Learn some strategies to cope with it, before it gets any worse.

I grew up knowing what to do in case of fire, how to get out depending which upstairs bedroom I was in. I had a fire plan when my kids were little, which of us would get which child and how we would get out. When the kids got older I told my kids what to do.

surely that’s just common sense

I think the fire brigade advise everyone to have one. I remember my parents running through ours when we were kids and I've mentioned mine to my kids when they were worried about a fire. It's really safe to know a rough plan of what you'd do and a couple of exit options.

I worked with someone who choked to death alone aged 40 so YANBU

I get you op! I saw my mum choke on chocolate as a young child (she was okay) and my poor cousin died after choking during an epileptic seizure at home alone.
I’ve been anxious about this for years but realised that I can’t control what my dc do when they’re not in my sight. It’s so hard and I wish I had more helpful words for you op. Just know you’re not alone!

Op you sound like me when I get invasive thoughts. I'm a bit fixated about dd2 being hit by a car just now because she has to cross a busy road on the way to school. I have had much worse ones since I had children and sometimes it feels like they take over my life. It's very much part of GAD which hasn't been nearly as bad since I had a course of CBT.
My other fixations have been car accidents and not being able to get both kids out fast enough. A friend suggested I buy that combo hammer seatbelt cutter thing and this helped more than you can imagine.
I've also fixated on the dds being abducted....you get the idea.

It's grim but it's potentially treatable xx

I don't think the size of the person makes any difference when it comes to choking. I saw a man choke in a restaurant. They made him stand up to do the heimlich and he must have been nearly 7 foot tall! Everyone around him was too short to properly do it as they couldn't get into the right position under his chest.

I think it’s understandable. I had this with mine after I stayed somewhere a teen had died from shock whilst mowing the lawn. The times I wanted help with that lawn , but I couldn’t make myself ask. In the end I chucked the lawnmower and bought a battery one. I obviously do know it’s unhelpful as they will leave sometime, and come across electric mowers, and that the key thing is a circuit breaker.

@PyongyangKipperbang are you incredibly and highly anxious because that is exhausting to have as a mother.

and it doesn’t make sense - lots of things are choking hazards - me it was a bit of fatty steak I was able to pull out before it got me. Never a cherry tomato or grape. You have hyper focused on one particular choking risk

Bizarrely, and I can understand you think I must be, I really am not.

DD - "I am going out with my friends this afternoon"

Me - "Ok, keep in touch, back by 4/5/6 (season dependant)"

Thats it. I know I am being unreasonable about this one thing!

Thank you. You know what, kindness and understanding of our oddities is a big thing. I have 2 oddball parents, 6 oddball kids and an oddball son in law. My non oddball sister has the patience of a saint!

If she cut them in half length ways...would that be OK?

I've only just stopped cutting grapes for ds11 ...actually I probably still would cut them for his lunch box. I know iabu too (he is the youngest so that doesn't help, they get babied longer)

@PyongyangKipperbang - I grew up in the 1970s. We didn’t have a fire drill in our homes and I don’t know anyone who did. We did have them at school and periodically have them even now in our office. But never at home. So I think it may have planted a seed for you. I was terribly fearful of being poisoned when I was young and I can trace that back to certain childhood impressions and experiences (including having a laburnum tree in the garden and picking toadstools because I thought they were mushrooms - didn’t eat any; it’s 50 years ago but I still remember my grandmother going very pale when I showed her what I’d picked).

I agree with the PP who said you can find danger everywhere if you look for it. We probably all have certain eccentricities, though. It sounds like your family is able to give each other some grace around these and not being able to eat cherry tomatoes or grapes while alone is relatively easily managed. The problem would be if it became more constraining (eg they can’t eat at all, which would be an unacceptable intrusion on their autonomy).

Ah listen, it’s a small thing in the grand scale of life, and if you don’t have other fixations like this I think it’s not a big thing. My mum’s cousin died in a motorbike accident before I was born. From the moment I can remember my mum was absolutely adamant that we were never to go on a motorbike, ever. And none of us ever have, out of respect. It’s had zero negative impact on my life and she isn’t in any way controlling or weird about anything else. Her thing is motorbikes. Yours is choking.

Sorry perhaps I should have been clearer. Rather than "Fire Drill" like we all have in school, I meant "Things we should do if there is a fire". Rather like the things I was taught at Brownies and Guides and school.

Close the door, put a blanket (well duvet now I guess) across the gap at the bottom, open the window. Lie down etc.
That kind of thing. I didnt actually ring a bell and march them out into the streeet!

Funny you should mention poisoning. I am still give side eye to red berries now, despite not knowing what they are or what they do! We just all knew that you shouldnt eat them as they are poisonous!

My thing is the tomatoes and grapes. DD sits in the back of the car as she once read that its safer than in the front (she is of course, correct). DD3 wont wash up in her flat without washing the sink first because her flat mate sneezed and carried on washing up. Like I said, we are oddballs.

I insist on them biting things like that in half. The younger ones at least.

You’re being as unreasonable as I am. I still cut up grapes and cherry tomatoes for my 13 year old DD. She’s a little bugger because if she finds me doing it she’ll grab either whole and bite through them with her front teeth to make her point. I get that it’s an instinct especially with choking history but I guess you and I will have to stop. There’s bigger problems when they’re older, though I know it feels safe to stick to limiting the little things you can control.
It’s not just you OP

I did have an incident with DD when she was about 3 (which already shows how ridiculous my fear of this is now she’s 13). We went to a garden centre with DM and Dsis for lunch. DD had cherry tomatoes on her plate. She grabbed one before I could cut it, bit into it hard while looking at me and the whole thing spurted all over my glasses. I couldn’t see a bloody thing and people at tables near us burst out laughing. She did the same with a frube yogurt in public once as well 🙈🙈