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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help partners friends?

81 replies

backstreetboys4eva · 16/04/2025 17:16

So my partner’s friend’s girlfriend is due to give birth next month and they have asked partner if he would watch their DS during the birth and for a few days after.

It wouldn’t be partner watching watching the child it would be me as OH works full time whilst I look after our kids and work part time.

Usually I would have no qualms about helping but I don’t like this particular friend at all.

When we moved in we paid him well to help us move, we always clear that he would be compensated for his time.

There were jobs that needed completing around the house and as the friend is a builder he offered to help.

My partner was adamant that instead of putting the money in someone else’s pocket to help this friend out instead.

I ended up paying a professional company to do the jobs in the end, OH was furious.

I told OH that his friend had no intention of doing the jobs as it had been going on for 8 months now and I don’t know why he just didn’t say he didn’t want to do them etc. I don’t even know why he offered if he didn’t want to do it.

All this has caused me and the kids massive issues like incomplete laminate flooring which has caused little spiders and things to come up, OH seemed fine to let our kids live like this.

I told OH I feel as if his friend mugged us off so why should I help him?

I don’t even know his DS and have never met the child, and OH is expecting me to buy them a gift for the baby to show that I’m friendly and no hard feelings, I told OH “no chance”.

Is it me AIBU genuinely to feel like this and putt foot down?

OP posts:
MysteriousFalafel · 16/04/2025 18:28

Can you imagine being the partner of this absolute knob? How embarrassed would you be that he’s gone asking a favour from someone who you KNOW he’s fucked around by not completing jobs. If I was his partner I’d die of cringe. Ick. Keep saying no OP, not your problem

Cosmosforbreakfast · 16/04/2025 18:28

Tell your partner that as it's his idea he can take time off work and look after his friend's child. You won't be dealing with the child at all so he'll have to cook, do the school run, do the child's laundry etc. See how quickly he'll say No himself.

pinkyredrose · 16/04/2025 18:31

wizzywig · 16/04/2025 17:37

Men and their bloody friends. Always putting them ahead of everyone

Dickhead men do. There are decent one's out there, well hidden sometimes I'll admit but they're there!

Redfloralduvet · 16/04/2025 18:33

I wouldn't be buying a gift or apologizing for being offended at their CFery either. Stand your ground OP otherwise you're giving your partner the green light to walk all over you in future.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 16/04/2025 18:34

BlondeMummyto1 · 16/04/2025 17:53

I would look after them the day of the birth and possibly that night but for no longer.

I babysat while someone was giving birth and I ended up having them for best part of a week even though baby was born healthy on the first day. Dad just didn’t want to look after his own child!

But it sounds like the OP would be in line for the same outcome.

A flat no is much better. No room for misunderstandings or blurred boundaries.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/04/2025 18:35

A hard no..

Or if you fancy some extra dosh, you'll do it.. But for 200£ day rate... After all he charged you to help you move....

Money up front of course... 😂.
If you think there is ANY chance they may ambush you...

Turning up on your doorstep with child and their bags... I'd arrange to be elsewhere at a friends/family when the birth was going on...

Not a chance in hell..

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/04/2025 18:37

PS I once had a mature student at uni call me out of the blue and ask me to look after her 4 kids for 6 weeks in my 2 bed flat...

For no money...

It was in middle of my finals and I didn't even know the kids...

She got really unpleasant when I said no...

Spangers · 16/04/2025 18:41

I was going to say perhaps I would offer for the birth but not the days after then I saw that you don’t even know the child! WTF is wrong with the 3 of them?! Poor kid.

RickiRaccoon · 16/04/2025 18:44

We didn't have anyone to look after our 1st during the birth of our 2nd so I appreciate the dilemma. I got around it by giving birth at home (and some out of town family turned up after a number of hours).

This friend had his chance to change the nature of the friendship to one of reciprocal favours if he'd helped you moved free or at a discounted rate or had done a few jobs for you cheap. You don't even know the kid and "a few days after" is too much anyway. Your DH could take time off work to look after the kid during the birth if they absolutely need someone since it's his friend, not yours.

outerspacepotato · 16/04/2025 18:45

No.

This also isn't a good idea for the kid to be kept away from his family for days after the birth. It could make him feel replaced and unwanted

Eldermillennialmum · 16/04/2025 18:47

Well if your DH wants to do it let him take the time off work and do it. You don't have to if they're not your friends.

ETA: but only for the birth not for a few days!

Hankunamatata · 16/04/2025 18:49

Nope, no way, not at all

S0j0urn4r · 16/04/2025 18:49

As others have said hubby could take time off to look after his great mate's child. Best do it at their house, though. He could also sort out the gift.
Also agree might be best for you to be out to avoid an ambush.

Chellybelle · 16/04/2025 18:52

outerspacepotato · 16/04/2025 18:45

No.

This also isn't a good idea for the kid to be kept away from his family for days after the birth. It could make him feel replaced and unwanted

I came on to say exactly this. Also, it takes a lot of energy to care for someone else's child.
It's not like looking after your own. You're on high alert to their needs all the time because if anything goes wrong, you're responsible. I did this a lot for a friend till recently but I've had to stop because it was getting too much and I was taken advantage of. The child ended up practically living with me. Don't get trapped into it like I did. Say no.

JustSawJohnny · 16/04/2025 18:56

Just say no, it's too much with work and your 3 DCs to manage already.

It's a ridiculous idea, especially as you've never even met the child.

If DH kicks off tell him he can try working and looking after 4 kids, one of which he doesn't even know, if he fancies it but you're not stupid enough to even try it!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/04/2025 19:10

Please say NO way Jose to this!

You already have 3 of your own.. and a 4th... a 3 year old who has never met you... for 3 to 4 days... This is just unworkable.

And it is stupid of your partner to think it could be and volunteer you like this.
Also.. the baby is due next month, potentially in 2-3 weeks and they haven't sorted anything yet? Madness.
If your partner won't say no, text and say no directly yourself
And he wants you to go out and buy a present to "be friendly".. why can't he buy it himself? Why does he feel the need to pander to this Friend who hasn't behaved that well towards you by the sound of things.

I feel really sorry for the Mum to be but this is the thin end of the wedge and they will start using you as an emergency babysitter if you have a DH who volunteers you and wants to "be friendly" all the time. When this is sorted you need to have a firm word with him about volunteering. My DM used to do this to me all the time. It was always unworkable and a complete thankless drag. He's supposed to be your equal. Not your team leader.

I expect she knows that 3 to 4 days is unworkable and the plan was cooked up by two less than hands on Dads.

Our neighbours had our DC for a four hours when I had my 3rd as it was an emergency but they knew them and they offered or we would have found someone else. There are probably other people who would step in whilst she's in labour, but very few who would take responsibility for their DS for several days or more. Its usually the father who takes time off and does that... and no client would make him come in . Its what Paternity leave is for.

CarpetKnees · 16/04/2025 19:14

If anyone about to give birth, were stuck when they needed to go into hospital, I would help them out with looking after a toddler if I could, even if I didn't know them well.

However wtf is he talking about "a few days after" ???

Nor do I get the concept of accepting money off a friend to help you move.
Amongst the younger generation of my family there have been 8 house moves or moves into first homes in the last couple of years. They help each other out (cousins, and siblings) and each of them has had friends helping on the day - because they are friends, and that's what friends do, help each other out. No-one would expect to be paid if they offered to help a mate move. Really bizarre.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 16/04/2025 19:14

Just say no. They are not your friends and you don't really know their child. Why on earth would you do it? He wants to volunteer you so that he gets the glory and you get all the work.

nomas · 16/04/2025 19:15

I’m glad you’ve said no. Don’t even do it for the day.

💯 they have someone else they can ask, but your DP’s friend knows your DP is a mug so asked him.

Has DP told them no? Is there any change he will just bring the kid home and expect you to deal with them?

Comedycook · 16/04/2025 19:15

If someone was really stuck I'd do it for the birth...but not for a few days after

Newmumhere40 · 16/04/2025 19:18

backstreetboys4eva · 16/04/2025 17:53

I work home OH thinks it won’t be an issue considering Iook after our DC.

Youngest is 18 months and teething/ going through tantrums, not sleeping etc so I don’t think it’s fair for OH and his friend to expect me to babysit a 3 year old on top of our 3 DC.

Its OH’s friend not mine after all.

Has he actually volunteered you to do this????

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2025 19:20

I’m hoping yo7 have clearly told your OH that this is absolutely not happen8ng. Ruddy outrageous volunteering you like that!

C152 · 16/04/2025 19:29

YANBU. It really doesn't matter what your reason is for not wanting to care for someone else's child for several days, the point is, you don't want to and you weren't asked to anyway. Your DH's mate asked him if HE would care for their child. If your DH wants to do this, then he needs to book time off work to do so, not palm the job off onto you.

You needn't be guilted into this either. These people aren't your friends and you don't like the man at all. Expecting someone else to care for your child for several days is a BIG ask. And it's not like this is an unplanned event. Your DH's friends have had a long time to prepare plans A and B of what to do with their older child when the friend's partner gives birth. If necessary, they can pay for a nanny service, or the partner can give birth alone/have someone else with her and your DH's mate can stay home with the older child. In any event, it's not your problem to solve.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 16/04/2025 19:41

Why can't your husband buy them a gift? They're his friends.

toomuchfaff · 16/04/2025 19:45

TheAmusedQuail · 16/04/2025 17:56

Tell your partner that if HE wants to look after the child he can. That he'll need to book time off work to make sure he can do it, because you're not getting involved. At all. No cooking. No putting to bed. No dressing. No taking him out, wiping his bum, bathing him, bedtime stories. Nothing.

IF he wants to do it, let him crack on.

I'd even go so far to book something, ah I'm going to mums, sisters, timbuktoo. OH its all on you. Good luck!

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