Triggered by breastfeeding

[Mummydust]

I had my first baby in December and I planned on breastfeeding. By week 2 she stopped latching properly and we had to substitute with me expressing and formula feeding. I got help from infant feeding teams and used their hospital grade pumps, all whilst continuing to get her to latch but had no luck. I started getting stressed and upset over not being able to breastfeed her properly and so my milk supply dwindled to the point where I'd be producing an ounce of milk a day. I decided to stop expressing and switch fully to formula and it helped my mental health massively. But at the same time my perfect idea of motherhood felt as if it had been ripped away from me.
I get emotional when asked by friends, family, and healthcare professionals "is she breast or bottle fed?" And the hidden judgemental face they pull when I said bottle feels like a knife in my stomach.
I still get teary over not being able to breastfeed. I know I shouldn't because she's growing into a beautiful happy and healthy baby, but I just can't help it. No matter how much my fiance tells me it doesn't matter because she's happy and healthy and loved I just get so chewed up about it.
I attended a family hub center to get her weighed and I fed her afterwards, some lady say down with her baby opposite me, started breastfeeding and I just broke down in tears when I noticed.
I don't believe I have PND because nothing else gets to me. Other than that I'm as happy as can be and I love being a mam. My little girl is absolutely perfect and my fiance is the most supportive man I could ask for.
I just feel like if I see someone breastfeeding I can't be around them without turning into a blubbering mess 😓

Your feelings are totally valid on this OP. Your baby is still very young and this will get better, I understand feeding is the be all and end all at this age as it's all consuming for some but it won't be in a years time.

I just wish I could breastfeed, I feel like such a failure for not keeping at it for longer but it was taking such a toll on my mental health. I'd be crying making her a formula bottle because I wasn't expressing enough. I stopped expressing after a month and at first it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders but now I just feel so jealous when I see someone breastfeed, it chokes me up.

A lot of people are going to tell you it doesn’t matter that you didn’t breastfeed and fed is best.

But how you fed your baby clearly mattered to you.

Your baby is happy and thriving and this is wonderful, you already know there is so much more to being a mother than the type of milk a baby has and what container (bottle or a breast) it comes in.

I sense being told “yes but a happy healthy baby and mum is all that matters” is going to diminish your very real feelings. This is a type of grief and many people don’t understand it.

You need to allow yourself to feel sad or disappointed this part of being a mum didn’t unfold how you’d imagined or wanted it to. Just be with it for bit. Acknowledge it.

Then try and think of all the other ways you have been able to do things with your baby as you’d planned, maybe it’s how or where you baby sleeps, how you’ve adapted your routine to make it just so for your baby and they are thriving in it.

Prof Amy Brown (I think) has done some work around women’s feelings when breastfeeding doesn’t go to plan. You can find her on social media. You might find it helpful.

You have a right to be upset. But you have to acknowledge you didn’t make this decision lightly and you really tried to breastfeed. Stress hormones come through to milk. You did do what was best for your baby would you rather she starved so you can face the judgement?

im massively pro breastfeeding when it’s possible but I’m anti shaming women where it wasn’t possible. Most women will feel this way we see you did the best in the situation. Babies don failt to thrive anymore but they used to and how much of that was down to no formula for the babies who needed it?

try to see the good side. Your child is thriving. Night feeds can be shared. Your baby can leave you for more than 3 hours.

and don’t feel bad you feel bad. Of course you would be upset when you felt strongly about it. That’s fair and reasonable.

Just sit with the sadness, OP. It’s perfectly valid, and it will pass with time. I couldn’t BF DS either (no supply despite advice from every possible source and trying for two full months) and peiole were absolutely foul about it, mostly total strangers. I was really sad.

I totally understand your feelings. I had similar with my first and felt like I was totally failing at the first hurdle. Feeding feels like the only thing you are doing for them in the beginning so it’s easy to blow it up into being a much bigger deal than it is once you get perspective of a few months and they are starting solids.

I wish I had been strong enough to give up the breastfeeding earlier but I was convinced by a lot of misinformation online that there was no way my baby wasn’t getting enough. I carried on with a ridiculous regime of pumping both sides, feeding what little I had made, breastfeeding each side and waking to feed then letting them sleep for around 40 mins after this whole process as it’s every three hours from when you start not when you finish. I had no sleep but killed myself trying to do the BEST by my baby who was losing weight. I only stopped when my baby was admitted for a kidney infection at 6 weeks… the nurse there said she wished people weren’t pressured so much to breastfeed as she saw so many dehydrated babies…

Anyway, with hindsight I can see that I missed precious time worrying instead of enjoying my baby. People really aren’t judging as much as you think. You are the expert in your own baby. Good luck and sending strength xxx

This is so important and not spoke about often enough!
I managed to breastfeed but I had raging guilt over it. My DS and my niece were born at the same time. My niece was a mirco preemie, born at 25 weeks only 1lb 6oz. The hospital needed breastmilk for her, but my sister in law just couldn't build a supply, I tried helping, gave her my pump, I used to try and show her how to express by hand, anything at all. But the stress just weighed on her and she was mortified at herself for not making milk. Whereas here's me sitting feeding my baby not a bother and I felt like the worst person in the world, because I could see the pain of "not being good enough" on all these mothers faces and it broke me. I used to pray my DS didn't wake up around SIL because the thought of feeding in front of her used to make me feel horrendous.
So I am so sorry you're dealing with this, it's awful and I hope you can learn how to cope with the way it happened. Its such an emotional topic, people who struggle to feed feel awful, and sometimes like me, people who manage also feel awful. Your baby sounds happy and healthy and you should be so proud of yourself 🫶

Thank you all for your amazing words of support I cannot begin to say how much it has made me feel at ease knowing I'm not the only one who has these feelings. I know at the end of the day it doesn't matter as long as she is fed. Thank you for giving me perspective. I'm going to stop feeling daft about crying over it and start allowing myself to grieve over it. You're all wonderful<3

I was in the exact same boat for both my daughters. I felt much worse the second time because I was convinced that this time I would get it right etc but the same problems occurred with breastfeeding and I had to stop. I was so, so, so low about it and I had lots of obsessive thoughts about breastfeeding too. Lots of tears. It was a bad time, but 100% the feelings lessen and now my daughters are 5 and 18 months and I wonder what I was so worried and upset about? There is so much pressure to breastfeed and actually the benefits are small, and it's true what they say: when you see your little one in school with all their friends, you really can't tell the difference!! Plus, as time goes on you get caught up in your child's development and forget about those early months anyway. And there are benefits to bottle feeding too!! Hope you feel better soon OP

I’m gonna take the tough love approach OP.

In the nicest way, you need to get a grip. Nobody is judging you for how you feed - it’s just a question, no one really cares. The only person judging you is yourself, and your confirmation bias is convincing you they’re judging you too. It’s in your power to stop your judgement.

As someone who has 2 older children, I can tell you that how you feed them in infancy is a mere drop in the ocean of the many decisions you make in their lives, and is so far down on the list of what’s actually important, it’s barely worth giving a second thought about. There will be SO many more tougher decisions to come that impact their lives, that one day looking back at how you fed them will pale into obscurity.

And remember that the women you see breastfeeding haven’t necessarily had a wonderful ‘perfect’ journey (BTW it’s not healthy to aim to be a perfect parent it’s impossible and unrealistic and will only disappoint you) - they may be sitting there going through hell, or worrying about their own issues with feeding, or hating every second, or have a baby who won’t take a bottle. We all have our crosses to bear, and there will be someone somewhere gazing at you with envy too.

You made the hard decision to put your own wants and needs (to breastfeed) aside and do what was best for your child (to make sure they ate) - welcome to motherhood. It’s beautiful and never quite exactly what you imagined. That’s the magic.

Tell yourself ten times a day how you did the right thing to make sure your child was healthy. How can you feel guilty about that? There can be no guilt with a healthy happy child. A fed child is one you can bond with. A fed child is beautiful. You care for your child, you love your child and put their needs first.

Say it as often as will help. It’s all true. Get fierce with it. If someone asks if they’re breast or bottle fed proudly tell them “my baby is fed and I’m overjoyed at the privilege to watch them grow more every day.”

Really, what else matters?

Also if it helps - I persevered with DD through breastfeeding, through a shallow latch and weight loss and cluster feeding and a feeling like my nipples were being sliced a machete. I persevered, and struggled, and cried, and lost sleep and felt like shit….I wish I hadn’t bothered. She’s 11 now and o SO regret putting so much energy into it rather than just enjoying my baby. I’ll never get those newborn cuddles back, I spent SO much time fretting when I should have just bit the bullet, switched to formula and enjoyed her. I hate that I did that.

I want to give you a huge hug OP - it feels like a big deal now but honestly watching my youngest 2 (7 and 10 years) currently fighting over a pebble in the garden and I can hand on heart tell you this won't be a huge deal for very long.
I can also hand on heart tell you that I breast fed my oldest for 10 days and he cried non stop unless I also gave him a bottle which was actually undiagnosed reflux, and my other 3 babies I breastfed for more than 2 years and they are all as healthy and intelligent as each other so all in all it made very little difference. Xxx

Having said that - we all need to STOP feeling guilty over perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions. Us women have enough on our plates (I count myself in this)

Sorry to read your OP. You might benefit from talking therapy to get over your legitimately sad feelings.

Breastfeeding can be a wonderful experience it’s true but not for everyone and that includes, sadly, you.

As others have said, it’s a drop in the ocean of parenting but maybe talking to someone will help you get past your feelings of sorrow and inadequacy, find perspective, and help you celebrate the positive aspects of your baby and look to the future.

Some people will judge though (all
the way through parenthood), so it’s a good idea to get into a mindset where you don’t care what they think and don’t feel the need to justify yourself and decisions you made in good faith for your baby.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I echo some of the previous comments. It’s totally okay to feel sadness about BF not working out, it’s something you wanted, imagined and hoped for. Your feelings are totally valid.

I truly understand as this was exactly the situation with my first baby. It was so hard. I promise it gets easier, your baby is happy and healthy and this is one TINY part of being a mum, and you are clearly a wonderful mum! With my second baby I was so scarred by my experience first time that I formula fed from day 1 and it was actually much better for my mental health. Baby number 3 I did some expressing but he was fully formula fed very quickly and honestly now I can say I genuinely feel at peace with my decision.

If you think it would help to talk through your feelings with someone professionally, send me a PM, I know someone excellent who can do a 1 off session online. (Some may feel this is OTT but if you think it’s something you’d benefit from do let me know). Take care, you’re doing amazingly.

Yeah and people who actually judge women for how they feed a baby are losers who don’t deserve our time of day. Some people still think women shouldn’t be in the workplace. Let’s take a collective approach to take no notice of these clowns.

Ah OP I was you 9 years ago … struggled to breastfeed my DS who was massively unhappy because he wasn’t getting any/enough milk … persevered for 2 weeks while he lost weight and we had to do formula top ups … got more and more stressed about it until DH sat me down and said look you do realise you don’t have to do this? My mental health got sooooo much better almost immediately but I did feel a lot of guilt, especially as every other member of my NCT group managed to breastfeed.

DS is now a happy, healthy 9 year old with an amazing immune system, and it doesn’t matter a jot. What you’re feeling now will just fade and fade.

I think I might have felt something similar with my first born, such grief at being unable to feed her in the way I wanted to. I had such high hopes that I would breast feed and felt the weight of judgement (or what I perceived at the time to be judgement) of formula feeding her. When I couldn’t even pump more than 20ml…and she wouldn’t even latch (in hindsight, I just didn’t have any milk!). I really hated the thought of formula and it ruining such a pre planned experience that I felt I was owed. I don’t think that anything anyone really says can change that feeling and it’s super emotional and difficult to explain to other people. I felt it was difficult to even convey it properly to my super supportive husband.

I did breast feed my second child, the only reason I mention this is because it gave me some clarity around the awful feelings I experienced with my first child. Breast feeding can be super complicated to initiate and often it just can’t happen (loads of reasons). The biggest lie that we are told as expectant mothers, is that it’s just about the latch or the amount you pump - how much you persist and push through pain (emotional / mental / physical). Now I realise, I couldn’t do it with my first because for me, my body was in tatters with blood loss - but I just wasn’t willing to sit and actually think about that at the time & what it probably meant for my body and milk production.

I think in truth you have to deal with it the same way as grieving anything, it’s stages and acceptance, let things move forward naturally and accept that you’ll feel lots of different emotions as time moves on.

One thing to remember though, is that nobody else really cares very much how you feed your baby (I really don’t mean that harshly, it’s meant to try remove any paranoia about how you feed your baby). Most people are completely caught up in themselves and their own lives. The majority of people that are desperate to tell you formula feeding is XYZ are often just wanting to validate their own experience of breast feeding. It’s 100% true that you have to feed your baby something to survive and neither is more ‘important’ than the other. Both healthy and both valid. Try be kind to yourself xx

I felt very much the same way. I can completely understand where you're coming from and its a horrible kind of grief that rips you up inside. You're mourning the experience that you didn't get to have and that's fair enough. Theres not enough support out there for this kind of thing.
It will get better though, you will get through it. Give yourself some time and grace. It won't always feel as intense as it does right now.

I understand how you are feeling op. I really struggled to breastfeed both my children. My nipples were bleeding and every time they latched on it was so painful. I just couldn't get the latch right with either of them. I tried pumping, nipple shields etc but it just got all too difficult. Then I switched to fully formula fed and that's when my mental health was much worse as both were reflux babies. The stress and obsession of ounces, bottle refusals, pain when feeding (for them) was awful. I had post natal anxiety and would catastrophise that they would stop feeding altogether, need tube fed etc. Of course both of them were absolutely fine, both put on weight well. They did have pain when feeding (especially my oldest) but it is common and I made it in a bigger deal in my head. The problem is when you're on maternity your baby is all you think about. You loose perspective and they are your whole world. They moved onto solids and everything calmed down (though I still have anxiety). I guess what I saying is your feelings are normal and valid and they will pass.

"Nobody is judging you for how you feed" and "people who judge women for how they feed are losers and we should take no notice of these clowns" are two very different things. The first one is just not true. The second one is a tall order for a new mum who is upset about not having the breast feeding journey she wanted. It's the age old ignore the bullies approach, she shouldn't have to be strong enough to ignore the way society acts around infant feeding whilst BB at her most vulnerable. It's not her responsibility to change society right now.

You may call it tough love but it just comes across as cold.

Why? As in why do you have such a strong desire to breast feed? You said your baby is absolutely perfect, she is being fed, you can still bond whilst feeding so why the upset it’s not by breast?

I get it, OP. My situation is similar to yours. My baby is 13 months old now and thriving in every aspect. I tried my best. I pumped and pumped every 2 hours round the clock. It broke me. I didn’t even take into consideration the option that I won’t be able to breastfeed. It still triggers me. It will probably trigger me for a v long time and I’m starting to accept it. I felt useless and robbed. Sending hugs. It will get better. I know this is not what you want to hear - but a connection with the baby has v little to do with breastfeeding. You are an amazing mother, regardless.