Triggered by breastfeeding

[Mummydust]

I had my first baby in December and I planned on breastfeeding. By week 2 she stopped latching properly and we had to substitute with me expressing and formula feeding. I got help from infant feeding teams and used their hospital grade pumps, all whilst continuing to get her to latch but had no luck. I started getting stressed and upset over not being able to breastfeed her properly and so my milk supply dwindled to the point where I'd be producing an ounce of milk a day. I decided to stop expressing and switch fully to formula and it helped my mental health massively. But at the same time my perfect idea of motherhood felt as if it had been ripped away from me.
I get emotional when asked by friends, family, and healthcare professionals "is she breast or bottle fed?" And the hidden judgemental face they pull when I said bottle feels like a knife in my stomach.
I still get teary over not being able to breastfeed. I know I shouldn't because she's growing into a beautiful happy and healthy baby, but I just can't help it. No matter how much my fiance tells me it doesn't matter because she's happy and healthy and loved I just get so chewed up about it.
I attended a family hub center to get her weighed and I fed her afterwards, some lady say down with her baby opposite me, started breastfeeding and I just broke down in tears when I noticed.
I don't believe I have PND because nothing else gets to me. Other than that I'm as happy as can be and I love being a mam. My little girl is absolutely perfect and my fiance is the most supportive man I could ask for.
I just feel like if I see someone breastfeeding I can't be around them without turning into a blubbering mess 😓

No one is saying change society my point is get some perspective for how, if people are judging her, they aren’t worth the time of day. Yes being a new mum is hard but even children know this, I would expect a grown woman, even a PP one, to realise some opinions just aren’t worth a moment’s consideration

People judge either way.

I left a baby group in tears 5 years ago after being instructed to breastfeed my baby in a corner in case it upset the other mums who were all bottle feeding - one very loudly proclaimed "they only do it to feel better about themselves" 🙄 My mil asked also asked, to my face, "don't you just feel like a cow though?" Imagine the response I wanted to give!!

@Mummydust You are feeling very deeply about this and you have every right to. I hope you can see through the fog though, that you are doing an amazing job and that your baby is so lucky to have a mum who cares this deeply about them. Xx

A very wise man said to me (albeit about a different thing) “the ideal is sometimes the enemy”. He meant that sometimes we hold ourselves to such standards, have such perfect images in our heads, that it becomes oppressive. Could that be what is happening here? Your feelings are valid and it’s important to recognise there is sadness at times as well as joy in being a mother. It’s still really raw and recent for you, so be kind to yourself. You did the best you could in the circumstances, which is all anyone can ever do. You put aside your own feelings in order to make the right choices for your baby. I’d have done the same, no question. Sending hugs.

Expressing is SO hard. I BF but when I did try to express I was barely able to express more than a drop. Some women’s boobs just won’t respond to a pump. If my daughter hadn’t latched, no way would I have been able to breastfeed. It’s great that your baby got the colostrum, and this won’t harm her long term. You tried your best and your feelings are totally valid. But they will reduce in time.

But it's not just some peoples opinions. It's her own opinion and feelings of loss that make other opinions weigh so heavily.

She is literally grieving the loss of the experience of breastfeeding. It's a real thing. Of course other people judging her for something she's already upset about is going to hurt.

Also it's people in positions of power, healthcare providers who push breastfeeding all through pregnancy that gives you the judge face when they ask if you breast feed and you have to say no. Expecting a vulnerable new mum to just be oblivious to other people's judgement compounding her own feelings of failure, when those judgements come from people in positions of power is just shitty.

@Mummydust , Professor Amy Brown has a book called 'Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter' which may help you in processing your feelings. No personal experience myself but hopefully it helps.

Ah, OP, I really really feel for you.

This was more than 20 years ago for me..
I remember how much I wanted to breastfeed and how I persevered and persevered.

this was in a time when midwives visited every few days after the baby was born.. they were supportive of me trying to breastfeed, even though I didn’t feel I had much milk, DD was feeding (or at least latching) all the time, never settled, nappies never very wet. My boobs never got heavy, never leaked.

eventually, after about 3 weeks, the midwife very nicely told me they would need to take DD into hospital if I didn’t switch to a bottle as she had lost such a high percentage of her body weight. I was so upset and felt I’d left her down.

I look back on those early photos of DD like a tiny, scrawny, bawling chicken and can’t believe I didn’t see it myself.

I gave her the formula. She settled down, immediately became pinker, happier, and got back onto the correct growth pattern.

thank god for formula, I felt so awful that I put her through that…

suffice to say, it’s a distant memory, and you are doing what is right for your child. Anyone who judges can do one 💕💕💕

My DS couldn't latch even with an operation and professional help (anterior and posterior tongue tie), so i pumped around the clock for 6 and a half months until the skin came off my left areola. My supply also dwindled and i had to use formula too as it was impossible to pump enough. In retrospect, I'd have been happier and saner if I'd stopped pumping sooner. You aren't alone in feeling sad that breastfeeding didn't work out. I think it's common.

I agree with this. I have been very fortunate to ebf both of mine and I am very pro breastfeeding, I don’t believe in the fed is best fad BUT you should be extremely proud of yourself. You knew the best way to feed your baby and you gave it your absolute all. You didn’t give up or give in, you gave your baby every bit of breastmilk that you could even when it was hard and it would have been easier to switch to bottles earlier and therefore you are an amazing, loving, selfless mother. Not everyone has that same determination and grit but you do and you did your absolute best by your child. It’s not your fault, and your baby will be just as happy, just as healthy and just as loved as if you’d breastfed her because you are still that same wonderful mother who puts her first. X

Agree with what @strangerontheinternet said.

You should be proud of how hard you tried. Your baby is safe and loved and fed. There are loads of other wonderful things you can focus on to help your babies development if doing them might help shift your focus?

I love the lady who does the Oliiki app. But there will be other versions of similar. Focusing on things like that might give you some control back? Not necessary by any means, just a suggestion.

I do think there is a hormones and evolutionary angle here. Before formula, we needed to really want to breastfeed to ensure survival. We now have formula, but our bodies haven't necessarily caught up.

I remember thinking when I was pregnant thst I would like to try breastfeeding, but it really didn't matter if I couldn't. Then ds1 was born and it was an all consuming need. Several years down the line now and I certainly don't feel that strongly about his food choices.

Listen lovely. I bottle fed my first child and breastfed my second. Both are doing well health wise and academically etc,

They are 10 & 15 years old now.

It really doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things. You sound like a wonderful mother ❤️

This didn’t happen that long ago and it sounds like your feelings are still raw. But I think they will dissipate over the next weeks and months. I would not try avoid seeing other mothers bf because if you and you ds become isolated I think you will feel more vulnerable. I think son it will appear normal and not provoke the same reaction.

You were happy with your decision, don’t let others make you unhappy with it.

Your perfect picture of motherhood isn’t perfect for you. What’s perfect for you is a healthy baby, fed in a way that worked for you both.

I had a premmie and now have a disabled teenager, I know all about not having the journey you wanted and seeing others doing it the way you wanted to. It does get better but the thing I found helpful was focusing on other people in a different way. If I had a friend who was at the same stage, I would be really happy for them they were doing well. Whenever I breastfed around people, they would always tell me why they didn’t do it, all their reasons. I never once asked but they felt they had to say it because we focus on breastfeeding being the pinnacle of good motherhood and anyone not doing it is failing their child. I don’t care how anyone feeds their baby, fed is best. If anyone asks how you are feeding, tell them that’s a bit of a personal question, or just answer “I’m feeding them”

Instead of focusing on what you missed out on, think about what you didn’t have to endure. You can hand off feeds to other people if you want, you don’t have to be back at a certain time if you want to go out for lunch with a friend whilst someone else looks after the baby, you aren’t chained to your sofa, cluster feeding for hours on end, no chapped nipples, no engorgement, no guessing if your baby has fed enough, not leaking when you go down the baby aisle. There are loads of benefits from formula feeding that people don’t talk about.

For you in particular the benefit was good mental health. Happy mum = happy baby. You have made your first sacrifice for the sake of your child, well done! Look forward to making many more. 😍

I was like your SIL and it nearly broke me. I couldn’t carry to full term, the least I could do was feed my baby. Thankfully my husband talked some sense into me and I was able to realise it wasn’t the end of the world. In the end we managed to establish breastfeeding but for a time there, I was going out of my mind.

You aren't alone ❤️

I was where you are now 11 years ago. I used to cry seeing people breastfeed; I would swear any time I saw a breastfeeding poster in the GP waiting room and constantly told the TV to piss off whenever the "breastfeeding is best for your baby" formula adverts came on. It used to upset me every day and I wasn't sure I'd ever get over it.

You'll get through this. You did the right thing for your baby and for you; you made sure she got fed. You tried as hard as you could - the fact that you are not breastfeeding isn't down to failure or not trying hard enough, it's because some people find it easier than others. It comes down to luck; there's nothing you've done wrong.

Right now, allow yourself to feel however you feel - don't try to push your emotions down or hide them. Don't worry that it's forever, though - this will pass, and in 11 years you may be browsing mumsnet and see a thread from a worried mum trying her absolute best for her baby and think "wow, I remember feeling that way - but I had nothing to feel bad or guilty for, and neither does she". ❤️

I relate so hard. I’ve had 2 difficult breastfeeding experiences and it’s been a real source of sadness. Amy Brown has a book on ‘breastfeeding grief’ and it really validated how I felt.

Lots of people will dismiss your feelings or tell you it doesn’t make a difference - it mattered to you. I’m sorry you had such a tough time 💕

I completely understand your feelings. I tried so hard with my first and was in so much pain, blood all over his little face after a feed. Felt like such a failure when I gave up and worse when he ended up having an (unnecessary) operation on his stomach after a misdiagnosis due to a milk protein allergy.

It sat really heavy with me and when I had my second I told every medical person she would be combination fed as I couldn’t cope with the pressure of exclusively breastfed, and I remember the judgemental looks! She was breast fed in the end and it was a completely different experience. No pain, fairly easy, different child… but I still wouldn’t commit as I had such negative feelings from the first time around.

I think at the time it’s all consuming, but there are so many things that you can have a positive effect on in the future, when they start eating solids, the learning and play they do in their early years etc etc so much pressure is put on breastfeeding at this stage but there’s so many other things you can do ‘for the best’ for your child.

Mine are in their teens now and both fit and thriving. You are doing a fantastic job and breastfeeding is just a small part of that parental journey.

I got upset at at weaning group when the girl running the course started to go on about the benefits of breast and I asked if she maybe skip that part if the script , she was very young and spoke as if she’d just learnt and was repeating a prepared speech all about the terrible things that you are risking by not breast feeding

I nearly walked out as I could not cope with hearing about immunity , obesity ,juvenile delinquency that my baby was exposed too because if my defective boobs

I also cried as I pumped micro mls and massaged my bizarrely shaped bazinga

totally understand how watching someone do something that you desperately want to do is painful

when your little one is older and just as healthy as anyone else’s you will laugh at how daft you were and how little it matters

I'm sorry you feel like this.

A previous poster has already recommended this authors book:https://professoramybrown.co.uk/breastfeeding-grief

It did help me work through my own difficult feelings about breastfeeding, and the issues it caused me. These things happen to so many of us.

My story is rather the opposite of yours: My baby nearly died of starvation/dehydration because it all appeared okay, but I never made enough milk - I'm still breastfeeding a toddler now, but knowing I nearly killed my daughter because I didn't just give her formula when I knew feeding didn't seem quite right, is not easy to live with! Fortunately the hospital NICU she was admitted to made sure my husband and I got some decent counselling support before we were all discharged.)

You made the best decisions you could at the time. Decisions and research into infant feeding are not easy in the postnatal period.

It was also other mums with babies a few months older than mine that I met at a baby group that helped me most by sharing their stories and listening to mine. They recognised my trauma and helped without judgement. I remember how awkward it can feel to be the one pulling out a bottle instead of a boob, but most of them know it's not always possible. You'll be judging yourself much more than those other women likely are.

I sympathise op. I had identical feelings but triggered when people asked if I'd had a natural birth. I had been so desperate to have natural water birth but ended up with a long labour, epidural assisted delivery. I felt like a failure and then I was being judged. I was so emotional about it and it took a long time.....3 years and another birth for me to get over it. I look back now and see rationally that there was nothing I could really have done differently and that what was important was that my baby was born safely.

One day you will watch your gorgeous baby put some absolute muck in their mouth....like fridge raiders or a bottle of prime and you will wonder why on earth you felt that formula was the bad option....it's not, its got all the nutrients a baby needs to thrive. It's just that the additional benefits of breastfeeding are so rammed down our throat we begin to feel like formula must be the worst for them. My ds couldn't care less how he was born or fed as a baby, he just judges my poor (in his opinion) taste in music and my inability to have purchase the right kind of snacks for him.

My biggest bit of advice to you is please don't waste 3 years feeling like a failure as I did. Make a conscious decision today to move past this. You are doing a great job!

The newborn phase is a rocky road emotionally. You are absolutely not a failure. Be kind to yourself. It’s completely understandable to get emotional in these situations, I don’t know what the answer is I’m afraid. It will get better.

I know you know this, but I will say it anyway, your baby will not be negatively affected by not being breast fed. My elder sister was breastfed, but my mum found it exhausting so she bottle fed me. Fifty years down the line and I promise it has not affected anything, we were both loved the same. I didn’t manage to breastfeed my eldest, but did with my second. Only just over years of evidence collected so far, but so far so good. I know you’ll be hearing this from all over the place, but maybe hearing more and more stories will slowly help. Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re doing a great job mama.

It is totally valid to grieve not being able to breastfeed your baby. But well done for getting that first week of milk into baby. That is the colostrum and first antibodies that you really wanted to get into baby.

Now I am going to say to you that 'perfect motherhood' means putting your child's needs and wants to the foremost above your own when it really benefits your child. So you have just taken your first step on the journey of true motherhood. Which is perfectly imperfect. And will definitely end up with your child eating some lovely healthy meals and some beige oven baked crap.

Aw I’m sorry you feel that way, you’ve not failed at all. You tried, it doesn’t always work out and it’s frustrating but your baby is loved and cared for and you’ve done the best you can for her, protecting your mental health is important for her and you!! I’m a paeds nurse but I now vaccinate babies so I ask how they are fed and I can promise you there is no judgment whatsoever from me.

with my own children I’ve got 4. I didn’t manage breast feeding my first son, but did my second, my third was very poorly so fed initially then bottle and my 4th I did feed. All 4 have tongue ties. I had pnd with my second son. Now they are adults/teens and how I fed them makes no difference to anything. It would maybe help to speak to someone further about how you’re feeling. But be kind to yourself, you did the best for everyone always remember that.

Yes! I didn't leave the house for 6 months (longer than between a feed) because of it! My DC had a severe tounge tie - which was cut at 4 weeks but by this time they had a bottle preference. I did pump for a long time but it never kept up with them. Always had to supplement. I always felt so ashamed and always found myself justifying it to people. I will always be sad about it. But they are absolutely fine, we have the most lovely bond and excelling at all their milestones.

Please don't be hard on yourself, although I know how tricky it is.