Triggered by breastfeeding

[Mummydust]

I had my first baby in December and I planned on breastfeeding. By week 2 she stopped latching properly and we had to substitute with me expressing and formula feeding. I got help from infant feeding teams and used their hospital grade pumps, all whilst continuing to get her to latch but had no luck. I started getting stressed and upset over not being able to breastfeed her properly and so my milk supply dwindled to the point where I'd be producing an ounce of milk a day. I decided to stop expressing and switch fully to formula and it helped my mental health massively. But at the same time my perfect idea of motherhood felt as if it had been ripped away from me.
I get emotional when asked by friends, family, and healthcare professionals "is she breast or bottle fed?" And the hidden judgemental face they pull when I said bottle feels like a knife in my stomach.
I still get teary over not being able to breastfeed. I know I shouldn't because she's growing into a beautiful happy and healthy baby, but I just can't help it. No matter how much my fiance tells me it doesn't matter because she's happy and healthy and loved I just get so chewed up about it.
I attended a family hub center to get her weighed and I fed her afterwards, some lady say down with her baby opposite me, started breastfeeding and I just broke down in tears when I noticed.
I don't believe I have PND because nothing else gets to me. Other than that I'm as happy as can be and I love being a mam. My little girl is absolutely perfect and my fiance is the most supportive man I could ask for.
I just feel like if I see someone breastfeeding I can't be around them without turning into a blubbering mess 😓

Oo hun, I’m so sorry you feel like this. Lots of lovely helpful thoughts and advice already on here. It’s ok to mourn / be upset that an expectation you had hasn’t been met - and as other PP says there will be a hormonal / biological element to this too. You did everything you could to- sought help with infant bf team/ attempted expressing and crucially stopped trying when it started to affect your mental health. If you hadn’t have stopped the alternative is potentially a child that continued to lose weight and you very mentally unwell which is not a great situation either.

over the next few months baby will start weaning and hopefully this will mean less exposure to other similar aged kids being bf as much. If you’re finding it really upsetting / all consuming please please speak to HV that’s what they’re there for and they might have some support for it you.

it sounds like you’re doing a great job as first time mama and you and baby are thriving - well done!

In a year or 2 this will be a distant memory and all you will focus on is your lovely DD, I had the same feelings of guilt when I couldn't breastfeed my oldest child who is now 16 years old, healthy, very smart predicted very high grades for her exams and honestly I haven't thought about how she was fed as a baby for years, in the grand scheme of things it's such a short time and it won't affect your relationship at all, you are feeding her and loving her and that's all that matters and she won't care how that was done, I don't think anyone will really be judging you that seems to be your own guilt projecting which does happen and I can see you feel bad but honestly you are doing well, you are caring for your baby the best you can and you won't think of this as being an issue soon

I had a similar experience and similar feelings but they really fade once the madness of weaning kicks in then you find other things to be guilty about like if they've had too many snacks not not enough vegetables. I have a two year old now and I don't feel like a failure now for not breastfeeding as I know I tried and I needed the reassurance that came with knowing he'd eaten enough from bottles what I do feel is so proud that I expressed for so long as it was such a chore, but if I met someone else and had another baby I don't think I'd express for so long as I missed out on a lot of being out and about fun during my mat leave due to having to be home to pump every couple hours

@Mummydust I’ve just found this thread OP and I could have written it myself. I had a baby in January and experiencing very real trauma and grief about my failure to breastfeed.

Please DM me if you want to talk, I think our experiences are very similar. I’m new to MN and not sure how to do this…

I remember this from 20 years ago! It is a kind of grief, I think.

One thing I would say is that hiding the breast/bottle board on here will be invaluable for your mental health. Out in real life, most people either don't care or would never say anything. On here, it can turn into performative perfection (with other aspects of parenting too) and looking back it was seriously detrimental to my mental health that I was trying to find answers on here as to what I'd done 'wrong' (answer = nothing, I didn't know and didn't have resources to get breastfeeding going). Just block the lot.

Your baby is healthy and fed, you are healthy and hopefully as a family you're thriving (sleep-deprived, uncertain and occasionally tearful I'm sure!). That is what matters.

It matters to you. That's important. You have done well to do any breast feeding.

Both mine were mixed fed. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed but couldn't.

If you have another it might be entirely different. If not, I found that even if I only fed a little bit I was able to build up supply again later.

Another recommendation for this book.

I had a truly terrible time BF for the first 3-4 months (tongue tie snip x2 and surgery for abscess bad 🙈) and it was soooo difficult emotionally. I totally get the super strong desire to BF, though I can see some PPs questioning it as presumably they had a different experience.

I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time - feeding your baby is such an emotional thing. I hope you have supportive people you can talk to IRL as well 💕