To ask if you'd be looking at TTC if you were 34?

[Imgonnapopsometags]

Realistically, what's the latest age i should leave it until?
We've been together 9 months, obviously not engaged or married yet. I own but it's only a very small 1 bed, partner rents atm.
Just not sure what to do...conversation about getting married hasnt even come up, probably too early?

Firstly I'd be having a conversation about does the other party want children or not so you don't waste any time
Then if they are onboard I'd be looking at my own future. You own- great, would you be going back to work FT or PT after, of PT would you be looking to marry to protect yourself during that time (noting that makes your flat marital asset...)

Do you want to get married? Would you need to looking at your own circumstances?

Firstly though do they want kids then if it all is a yes get ttc! Start popping the folic acid tomorrow!

Thanks, he does want children, and we've said we want our 'future' together, but he hasn't specifically said he wants to get engaged/married to me.

I own the flat but it isn't worth much and I've nothing in the way of savings etc. I'm lucky I have a job which offers good maternity pay and compressed hours etc.

I dislike this stage in a relationship as I feel like it's too early to know where you stand, and you've just got to wait and see.

I met my DH 6 months before my 35 bday. We got married on my 36th bday and had dd1 2 months before our first anniversary 😄 Dd2 came along 3 years later a few months before we turned 40. We know we are very lucky 😊

Personally no. Not after a 9m relationship with no talk of marriage or living together. Look at all the posts on here where the woman ends up paying and doing everything because nothing is sorted from the off.

I would need at least 2yrs of living together, a clear plan on marriage or how finances will work before even looking at a folic acid tablet!!

I understand what you mean, but by then I'll be 36 before I've even got married or starter TTC. And that's if we moved in now.

Not necessarily @Coali me and dh been married very happily for 12 years and only lived together for 8 months before getting married... why this arbitrary 2 year rule.

I had my children when I was 35+ . I don’t think your age is a problem. I think planning children with someone you’ve only been with for 9 months is a problem though. Please don’t rush into anything.

There really is no rules. One of the strongest longest standing couples I know started as an accidental pregnancy from a one night stand. They have been married 10 years and 3 kids in total surely it's whatever works for the individuals

@SunshineBirdSongyou lived together for eight months before marriage, but how long were you dating before you lived together?
OP has only been with this man for nine months and they don’t live together yet.

I've never been engaged, bought property with anyone etc. I've never gotten as far as being a girlfriend and renting a place with someone. No idea how this all works, all I know is that from what I've seen if they want to they will usually do it, and not just waste years of your time, exceptions being if you are very young.

Bluntly, OP, you barely know this guy. Slow way down about it all. You seem to be behaving as if marriage and children are foregone conclusions in this scenario! At nine months, I was still thinking ‘Can I be with a man who likes Don Delillo?’ I’d been with my DP for many, many years before deciding to have a child with him, and it was still an atom bomb in a strong, committed, happy marriage. You’d be crazy to have a child in your situation.

If I was 34 and wanted children I’d be having a conversation about this, not waiting and seeing.

DH and I had this conversation soon after we met (although in the end we weren’t able to have kids due to health issues) and we were younger than you.

But how old were you when you met your DP? At 34 you have a lot less time left to fart around with people who don’t want the same things.

I don’t really understand your AIBU, what do you mean you don’t know what to do? Has your partner asked to start ttc then?

I think you are being sensible to think about these things but you need to talk to your partner. It’s been 9 months - do you 100% feel this is the right person to start a family with? Don’t feel pressured into it because of your age. Having said that, it’s important to discuss together sooner rather than later. You are still young and there’s no reason to think you would have any trouble conceiving BUT if you did there are age limits in different areas to be eligible for help from NHS, and you have to have been trying to conceive for however many years before that. I was 37 when we started trying (too old for NHS help where we live) and baby was born when I was 40 - we got lucky after more than 2 years of trying. But I know women the same age who got pregnant the first month! It really depends.

Absolutely! Go for it 😀

I wouldn’t leave it later than 36, in case it turns out you have any issues that might cause things to take longer.

You could get hormone tests at GP to put your mind at rest / highlight any issues (and he could get a sperm analysis). If you were to say you’ve been trying to conceive for a while (think it’s a year or two) you should be able to get them for free (rather than paying massively inflated private prices).

You do have a bit of time to play with though OP.

If you do get pregnant I would look at getting married before birth (for obvious reasons), even if it’s just a placeholder registry office do ahead of the proper thing (in case a big wedding is important for you).

Thank you. I'll try and relax for now then leave it until the year point and bring the discussion up.

I have read this since my last comment, I think you need to talk about hypothetically in the future would you like to start a family with your partner. If he says no you have a decision to make. You don’t need to rush when all of this feels very new.

As you want kids, I’d make a solo appointment with GP. Tell them you are trying for kids and have been for 6 months. Ask to have tests for LuH, FSH and also for an MRI scan to see your follicles and egg reserve. Once you know your results, See if you can get appt with a fertility expert (maybe even go private or can afford). Get tests done via NHS. LuH is lutenizing hormones. FSH is follicle stimulating hormones. What you want to know is your fertility health status. As we age after 25, things change. Some of us canhave kids into mid 40s, some of will struggle from mid 20s - all of our bodies are unique and what is the case for one might not be for another. It’s better to be informed.

if something is important to you - and the age btw 30s to mid 40s is a funny old time for us women anyway - fertility/ perimenopause etc - speak to your man. If a priority for you is settling down, having a family and making a home together - you need to know if that’s also a priority for him.

But more than anything - do you love him? Do you want a future with him? Does he make you laugh, support you, listen to you, make you feel adored? Observe what’s he like around other people, how he spends his time l, what his pals are like - as this will inform you what your future friend network, free time etc will be informed by too. Do you both have a similar outlook on life, plans?

9/10 months isn’t so early to know if you both want the same things out of life. X

Christ, no, I would not be having a baby with someone I barely knew who I had no plans for a life together with yet. 34 is still perfectly young. I had a baby at 37. I’d absolutely give it 2-3 years at least and be married first.

If you haven't yet done so, you need to have a frank conversation with your boyfriend about whether he wants children or not, acknowledging that it's still early days in your relationship, but you need to be sure that he does want children at some point in the next few days. If he doesn't you might as well cut your losses.

If he does want children in the next few years my advice is to live together ASAP. Give it at least 6 months of living together and preferably longer before TTC. But don't leave it too late. If I were you I'd want to start TTC before turning 36, ideally.

Do you know what his finances are like (income, savings, spending habits)? That will be important if you live together and have a child and/or get married. Plus living together should show to what extent he pulls his weight with household chores.

You know your relationship better than others. I’d say 9 months is a shorter term relationship but at 34 you must know what you want, and assuming your partner is a similar age? What’s your relationship like? Are you still on a see each other once or twice a week basis or are you inseparable and talk about the future etc

I would have the honest conversation about kids and marriage, taking age into consideration. It’s easy to take it chill pill when you’re 22. When you’re 34, it’s understandable to want a 2 year plan. I think you’d be a bit crazy to tell your DP that you want to start trying NOW. But it’s not unreasonable to say you want to consider having a child in your mid 30’s.

Would you be happy to do it alone? If not then slow down. If you would happily do it alone then have a discussion and have a baby.
i waited years desperate for a child. Ended up in an abusive marriage and now have to do it all alone anyway and deal with a nasty ex having contact. If I had my time again I would have discussed and had a baby much earlier in the ok relationships. Then if they didn’t work out I would either be doing it alone as I am now but happier sooner or would at least have a decent human being to co parent with.

my parent were married all my life. I don’t think they were happy. I didn’t learn what a healthy relationship was. My own dd raised by a single mother already has more backbone and knowledge of her worth than I ever did. Children need decent consistant loving role models if that comes from a nuclear family great but it’s not the set up that’s good for the child it’s the safety love and consistency

I had DS a few months short of turning 40. I don’t disagree that the OP doesn’t need to waste her time with someone who wants different things, but I think rushing into having a child in a new relationship is quite mad.