To ask if you'd be looking at TTC if you were 34?

[Imgonnapopsometags]

Realistically, what's the latest age i should leave it until?
We've been together 9 months, obviously not engaged or married yet. I own but it's only a very small 1 bed, partner rents atm.
Just not sure what to do...conversation about getting married hasnt even come up, probably too early?

You need to relax. It’s giving desperate because age and fear.

Starting TTC might be jumping the gun but being serious about timelines is just pragmatic. I know a few women who wanted kids and now are past the point of having their own, in part because they were worried about looking desperate or pushy and either didn't find the right person or let a useless partner run down their clock.

I believe you can have a feeling where you just “know” that your partner is “the one” regardless of how short a time period you’ve been together.

Me and DH moved in together after only knowing each other for 4 months and it all worked out fine.

In terms of TTC, we decided that the age of 35 was our cut-off.

I don’t think you’re age is a problem, it’s just a case of ensuring you and your partner are on the same page and your timelines match up with regards to how/when you want the relationship to progress (marriage and children) etc.

I'd get your fertility checked and freeze your eggs if you can afford it, to give yourself more options and flexibility.

I'd also confirm with him his expected timelines for next steps. Make it clear you're not asking him to TTC / move in now but your hope would be if things continue going well that you would look at moving in after 1 year together and you want to TTC when you're 36, for example.

I was surprised by the number of guys I dated for a few months who said they wanted children but then later let it slip that they didn't imagine having those children until they were into their 40s. Didn't seem to have occurred to them that we were obviously completely unsuited then as I was a woman the same age / couple of years older.

It’s need to be with the right partner. Obviously goals and values should be aligned. Not rushing into it due to age and fear, as I’ve said.

Not being funny but it’s no one else’s fault apart from your friends if they let a “useless person run down their clock”. Better to be single and find the right person regardless of age. Not just rush into it without proper conversations and vetting because one is 34.

Oh I agree with you about that. Don't rush into having kids with the wrong person, but don't be put off discussing and planning in the early stages of a relationship due to fears of looking desperate either. In our mid-30s time isn't on our side, and it isn't necessarily a fear-driven response to acknowledge that.

Age is not a problem. It's how fertile you are.

Controversial but I got pregnant after 6 months together, having known him 6 months before that, so 1 year in total. But we were both absolutely sure it was right. We then had no 2, then got married.

The two are connected in a woman. OP can’t, for example, wait 15 years to start TTC if she wants to have a biological baby.

I wasn’t suggesting she did! I was just suggesting she have a conversation about it!

It's not as simple as "just going back to your flat" if you've rented it out. As things stand currently, it can take months to evict tenants, and the Renters Rights Bill will effectively ban no fault evictions, which is likely to make it harder.

Surely it would be better for him to move into her flat. If the relationship doesn't work out he can find another rental.

If it’s too early to talk about marriage then it’s definitely too early to talk about having a baby. I wouldn’t want to leave it much later than 34 but equally I wouldn’t want to rush into a baby just because of my age, when after 9 months you probably don’t even fully know a person

Yes, I fully agree with every word of this. You need to actually get to know this man, and the best way to do that is to live with him.

Personally I wouldn't wait. I would get a full fertility check up. You have no idea until you try to TTC what your journey will be. I knew about 9months but we did discuss babies etc beforehand.

Nah. In a serious adult relationship in your 30s it’s a normal thing to discuss (including, or even preferably, early on). And it’s also a normal thing to consider at 34, if having kids is something you’re sure you want. Considering timelines and being clear about what you’re looking for – rather than just ‘seeing what happens’ – is sensible and pragmatic.

I'm someone who's always wanted children. If I were that age and I hadn't had children yet, I would probably be starting to think about how I wanted that to happen. I would not be looking to have a child with someone I had been in a relationship with for less than a year. But I would potentially be considering other avenues to become a parent.

side note - women really have a hard time compared to men when it comes to raising and having a family. If you want to have kids but for whatever reason haven’t by 30, and have average fertility, essentially it’s such a hard thing - meet someone who you wanna spend rest do life with and wanna have kids with; find a place suitable and affordable to raise a family; have a few years of getting to know said person and hopefully some fun, couple time; climbing career ladder; the. trying for kids. For women, if you meet someone around 25-28, all is well. You then have had a good few years with them, and know you feel good about having kids. If you don’t - gosh, then it’s a rush in 30s! Men just don’t have this time pressure. Surely there is some medical advancement that could level the playing field…

I did already know DH as we were work colleagues but we were engaged and married within about 15 months, started dating at 31. You need to chat to him about it.

When men really like a woman they will do a lot to seal the deal. That was my experience with DH and the BF I had previous to him. You never need to wonder if you are the one for them as they make it obvious. Is he however the one for you? I had a couple of friends panic at mid and late thirties, their desire for children made them lose the plot. Now in our fifties one divorced a decade ago and the other is currently divorcing. They got the kids they wanted but it’s been bloody awful.

I largely agree with this except the “25-28” point. Plenty of women meet their husband well into their 30s and still have time to do all things you mention- climb the career ladder, enjoy time together as a couple, find suitable housing - before having a baby. Contrary to popular belief, it’s quite common to have a baby in your late 30s / early 40s. The important thing is to be on the same page as your partner about all that stuff. It’s not wise for OP to start TTC now but she absolutely should put all her cards on the table and find out if her and her boyfriend are on the same page. That way she knows, at 34, that she’s on the baby trajectory even if she doesn’t have that baby until she is 37 or 38.

I’m astounded at the people advising her to lie to drs for free tests? Is everyone doing that? Poor NHS

If you love each other and you trust him and you both want kids I'd crack on.
Have the conversation and get going.

Yes I thought that too - awful.

Is it not the case that one can terminate tenancies if one is selling the flat? Not to lead any renter along e.g. giving them a 1 year lease (or whatever). And if the flat doesn't sell... Gaming the system obviously..