To ask if you'd be looking at TTC if you were 34?

[Imgonnapopsometags]

Realistically, what's the latest age i should leave it until?
We've been together 9 months, obviously not engaged or married yet. I own but it's only a very small 1 bed, partner rents atm.
Just not sure what to do...conversation about getting married hasnt even come up, probably too early?

Edited as wrong thread

I’m only answering for my own personal experience. I’m 34, we’ve been trying for 18 months. No baby. Don’t leave it.

How old is your boyfriend?

I didn’t think about TTC until I was nearly 40. I had been with DH for 15 years by then. No way would I ever have considered having a child with someone I’d been with for less than a year. That’s bonkers.

He is 35.

The issue isn't your age, it's whether you both want a child and are financially secure and emotionally stable enough to provide for one.

I am 34 and trying for my 2nd again soon (had a MC so had a pause from TTC). However, I didn't have my first son until I was married, owned a 3 bed home, had been with husband for over a decade! I would wait a little but if you want more than one I wouldn't leave it many years.

OMG I meant in the next few years not in the next few days
(too late to edit post!)

It’s a bit soon to act start TTC. But definitely not too soon to have a very honest conversation about what you both want and a rough timeframe of what you’d like, obviously making it clear you don’t want to wait too long to start ttc, and is he happy with that.

I met DH in March when I was 34 and was very prepared to be a single mum. I got pregnant in June (2nd month trying) and had my first at 35. I then proceeded to get pregnant at 37, 38 and 39. At 41 I’m in perimenopause and thankful he’s had the snip - it’s less likely now but so up in the air.

Friends of mine have struggled at 26 or had it easy at 40.

If he’s willing to help and you are open to either being a single mum or getting married down the road, go for it. Otherwise be cautious.

The one piece of advice I give to all women in your situation, regardless of age (but especially when their biological clock is ticking down), is to take responsibility for your future and especially of your fertility.

You can't live your life dependent on the unknown intentions of a third party. Take control of your own life. Anyone who has a problem with that is someone whose intentions towards you aren't respectful.

I don't think I would so quickly, but because of personal experience I would at least have your fertility checked I think. I have 2 children from a previous relationship years ago and nievely thought that meant I'd be ok. After trying with my partner it didn't happen for us and we are now going through ivf, but from start to finish we will be pushing on 5 years of going through the process for ivf and I'm 35 at the end of this year. If I had known about and dealt with my problems beforehand, we could have knocked nearly 4 years off that

While 34 isn't close to too old to get started, it is an age where you don't have the luxury of waiting around for a year or two before seriously discussing these things. At 9 months in I'd have a clear conversation about at least the main points - will you get married before having kids? What kind of timeline are you looking at? What are your broad plans for work/childcare? It would probably be good to get more specific too - are you prepared to do IVF if conceiving doesn't happen naturally? How do you feel about testing in advance for health conditions? What parenting philosophy do you lean towards? But I get that that might feel overwhelming. If somebody is very put off about pragmatically discussing the future quite early in the relationship in your mid-30s, that would be a red flag. It isn't impossible at all to have kids at 37/40/42 but the chances of things being straightforward do go down and it's easy to realise a couple of years have gone by without much really changing in your life.

At this stage I'd be keen to ascertain that you operate well as a team while cohabiting full time, and that you both have the same broad hopes for your future, at the very least.

My friend was in this situation at the age of 35. She and her partner agreed to move in together after 6 months and TTC after one year. Luckily they didn't wait any longer than that because she has not found it easy to get pregnant and they are now doing IVF.

You might want to get an antral follicle count done (at a reputable clinic which does the ultrasound at the right point in our cycle and not just any old time) to see how your ovaries are looking. It's no guarantee of fertility, and if you have a decent number of follicles you might still struggle to get pregnant, but if you have a low number of follicles and your fertility looks poor, you'll know you need to get on with it.

Have the two of you talked about how many children you would like, in an ideal world? Of course, it's not something you can completely control, and parents change their minds too, but it is something to consider. If you've always dreamed of having multiple children, you will need to start sooner to maximise your chances of having more than one. You might be lucky and conceive quickly, have a successful pregnancy and a healthy baby. But it might take a long time to conceive, you might have miscarriages, you might need more time than you expect to recover after the first birth before trying again, etc.

At 34, you don’t have time to date him for 2 years and ‘see how it goes’. You need to have a conversation about marriage and kids now. Then if you’re on the same page about that, make a clear plan on when you plan to move in together. I would then give it 6 months - 1 year before you start TTC to check if you actually work well together as team - sharing the same space, splitting finances, etc.

In the meantime, consider freezing your eggs. It will take (some of) the pressure off.

Not with someone I barely know. I wouldn't want be left holding the baby just because I was so desperate to have a baby, I rushed into it and he turned out to be an arsehole.

I had DS at 36, twin DD's just before turning 38. You have time.

My overall point is it's better to "rush" into making sure this is the right person to have kids with before you rush into actually having kids. So have the conversations early on. You still have time, and you don't want to end up having to co-parent for the next 18+ years with the wrong person.

What kind of relationships are people having where they ‘barely know’ someone after 9 months? I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months and we’ve had many deep and meaningful conversations. I don’t claim to know him really well, but I sure as hell don’t ‘barely know’ him either. And that’s after 3 months…

If you’re exclusive, seeing each regularly and having deep conversations, then 9 months is plenty of time to get to know someone reasonably well.

Living with someone is (in my view) the best test of long term compatibility. Of course there will be some habits that each of you have that annoy the other - can these be tolerated? You have a flat- rent it out and move in with him rather than the other way round, that way if it doesn't work out then you just go back to your flat..
P.s. myself and DP basically moved in straight away first week of masters degree, another close friend couple moved in day one and both couple still happily married parents 20+ years ago. (of course no guarantee of any of this, but i think it is perhaps a logical safe approach that gives you a fallback option (i.e. you back to you own flat...)

Any time limit is entirely arbitrary... no harm in having the conversation now.. this is not week one or anything...

As per others. You need to live together first, for a good stint of time (6 months+). I really wouldn’t contemplate marriage or children before you’ve done that. Have that conversation first, then come back to this one. You’re jumping the gun a bit in my opinion.

What are you, 16? 😀You can have ‘deep conversations’ all you like for three months, but until you’ve been around someone dealing with stress and/or physical pain, seeing them around their friends and/or family, making a difficult decision, juggling work and life, spending time with them somewhere unfamiliar, had a row, seen how their run their household (can they cook and clean? Do they live like a pig?), then I hold to the ‘barely know someone’ point.

I don’t disagree with any of that, but I find it hard to believe that two 30somethings in a serious relationship would ‘barely know’ each other after 9 months, as was claimed by PP.

If you have serious conversations about the future, you’ve travelled together and you’ve spent time with each other’s friends and family (all very normal in the first 9 months), then you certainly more than ‘barely know’ them.

The thing is, having a baby with the wrong person is forever. So if that’s the MOST important thing to you and you’re prepared to coparent with someone you end up disliking, be a single parent, struggle on income because having DC is the moat important thing to you, then it makes sense to let that drive your decision making. If you are not prepared for all of that to go wrong, don’t do it.