To Feel Silly Dressing Up in Sexy Underwear

[HappyOak]

So been with current boyfriend a few months and to be honest I’m not very body confident, very self conscious of my lumps and bumps,covered in stretch marks and cellulite :( I’ll only have sex in the dark ..
Last night bf texted me he was feeling horny so I threw caution to the wind, dressed up in sexy underwear and did my hair and make up..completely out of my comfort zone … to cut a long story short he came home, took one look at me and said he wasn’t feeling his best,lots of paperwork at work which had got him down and could we take a rain check on the sex ..
Felt utterly ridiculous lying there in my cheap nylon stockings etc and just wanted to sob my heart out ..
Am I being over sensitive? Unreasonable? I just want you to all know what it took for me to dress up like that because I hate my lumpy body and have never felt sexy in my life … 😢

Ditch this one. I’m not a skinny woman by any means 14/16 for reference, I have a tummy which I personally hate, but my god when you find someone who tells you they like all your bits and tells you look amazing and appreciate when you throw on some nice undies for them, my self esteem lifted so much and I genuinely felt sexy and confident around them because they could see something I couldn’t. Take a break from dating and find someone who makes you feel good and not like a piece of crap.

I think that's the end of that relationship - you've done nothing wrong and shouldn't feel ashamed. It's a sexual incompatibility but that means you won't get along in future.

I really feel for you because you were in a vulnerable moment and - not his fault either - but I'd end it.

Keep the underwear and the guy who likes it is your litmus test

Sounds two things happened at once. His invitation and your experiment. And it absolutely backfired.

80% of sexy is confidence. If you don't feel like that, going full on is very very vulnerable position, because you are handing all control over your emotional well-being to someone else.
This one isn't to be trusted with your vulnerability.

In a good relationship you would be able to extend the comfort zone step by step - would some very decent lighting be ok for you (not candles, maybe a small table lamp directed to the wall/ceiling ? Maybe one piece of accessories (semi transparent scarf)?

However, you really might want to get a bit of time for yourself first. If you don't like yourself at least a little bit, it is very hard for anyone else to like you enough to cover that first deficit.

For one sexy underwear is something you feel good in, something that you love that fits you well but buy for yourself.

You don't come across as pathetic at all. You come across as someone who is vulnerable and unsure of themselves - and that's understandable, especially if you've previously suffered abuse. Struggling with self-esteem isn't a crime - we all feel bad about ourselves at times. But there are men who will exploit that, and this man is one of them. He isn't a good man. Seriously.

You do not repulse this man at all. He is simply an arsehole. He knows you struggle with self-esteem. He knows you are insecure. He is using that to control you. He's the one who's pathetic - what kind of bloke needs to humiliate his girlfriend to feel like a man? He's an absolute worm.

You deserve SO much better than this. You're clearly a lovely person and you deserve someone who is kind and appreciative and will tell you all the bloody time that he thinks you're gorgeous and desirable (which you are, even if you don't know that).

It is his fault. It's not a sexual incompatibility. Read the rest of the OP's posts. He has previously told her that he likes lingerie and his ex used to dress up in it for him. He did this deliberately.

Oh bless your precious heart .. this touched me more than you could know … thank you for you kind and sage words ❤️

Meant to put unimaginable abuse ffs .. I can’t even get that right .. point still stands though

That's so mean of him. I wonder did he do it on purpose to hurt you.

I mean this nicely but you are really going to have to try to start loving yourself and building your self esteem.

I would be very surprised if you body is any different to most people your age. It's not hideous, no ones is.

Once you love yourself more, you will be able to pick better men because you will recognise your worth.

Men can change their minds about having sex, just like women. No reflection on him or OP

OP as someone who has been through a similar life as you (by the sounds of it) I really can recommend therapy. I have had lots of it on the NHS and it has improved my life tremendously.

Only when I realised my worth, could I make good choices. I had been in so many abusive miserable relationships, had sex with so many losers because they expected it and I felt like I had to. Had more than one restraining order against horrific exes.

I am now happily married and settled. I am content and stable.

Bin off this horrendous man, delete any dating apps and get the therapy. It will be life changing. AT the very least get a self esteem book from Amazon and work through it. The freedom programme book would be good for you too.

That’s not true per se. I’m v early 50s my bf the same. We’ve been together 4 years. Sexy lingerie, stockings, thongs, stuff like that is a big part of our sex life. As is flannel pjs on a cold winters night just as much ….
My body is not perfect by any means but my bf appreciates all these things as they add a level of excitement on occasion (doing it all the time would be a pain and not special).

but the point is that the OP was treated cruelly here. No person that cares for another would do that. In particular if they knew the other was insecure about their body.

Please bin him off op. You sound lovely but I think you do need to focus on self esteem work. The right man will love you just as you are. That body has carried 2 babies it’s mot meant to look “perfect”.

But surely by not removing yoyr hand he is respecting your boundaries?

He must know your insecurities by now and his reaction is horrid. At best it shows an utter lack of emotional intelligence, at worst it’s deliberate and cruel.
Either option is not good enough IMO.
You stepped out of your comfort zone and made yourself vulnerable. No matter how tired he was or whatever his excuse was (I don’t buy it myself), he could have been way more tactful in how he handled it.
Honestly I wouldn’t even bother with this one. He shows no potential as a long term partner to go through life and its ups and downs with.
There are good men out there who would have appreciated your effort and your vulnerability and find you attractive in anything you do or do not wear. You’ve picked a dud this time. Onwards and upwards.

Bless you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart .. what a beautiful and balanced response …I do need to do so much work on myself so I don’t keep falling for men of a certain ilk … I have so much to offer and the old adage stands you can’t truly love someone til you learn to truly love yourself first ❤️

Yes but you’ve missed the point entirely.. he was the one that instigated sex and given it took so much courage for me to dress up his reaction was cruel and callous .. I didn’t hold him at gunpoint and demand sex .. I was yielding to his desires .. if he changed his mind fair enough but do it with kindness and tact knowing my self esteem and self worth is extremely fragile .. not a helpful response!!

🚩🚩🚩

Get a new boyfriend?

100000% done deliberately.

It is valid to not want sex

He went out of his way not to make you feel beautiful and sexy.

This soon in, it would be a deal breaker. He is going to systematically destroy your self esteem

So what happened when you talked to him about it? It may well be it wax all a deliberate ruse to upset you but since he's not here to answer questions it might be counter productive to jump on the he's negging you band waggon or the you clearly repulsed him one.
But going forward, communication is key. Both partners need to listen to each other In other interactions, if he makes you feel shit, even if that's not his intention, then you need to end things.

Some men love sexy lingerie.. some men don't..
Some men prefer naked... Some men don't..
Some men prefer lights off .. Some men don't.
Compromises can be made if both comfortable.. but great sex is where you can discuss your likes and dislikes and what turns you on etc ..
Did he ever mention he likes sexy lingerie?.if he did.. then this is a red flag.

Yes he’s previously expressed how his ex partners have worn sexy lingerie and how much he enjoyed it which I always found very weird .. why on earth would he tell me about his previous partners and their bedroom attire? Weird .. so yes.. he likes lingerie .. just not when I’m wearing it 🤷‍♀️

I do believe you could be right .. on a previous occasion in bed he said he was unable to reach climax so he brought to mind an image of a porn video he’d watched which did the trick … he can be very cruel for sure ..what right minded person would admit to that? Particularly given my fragile self esteem