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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP was really selfish?

69 replies

Lightsoutpal · 15/04/2025 20:08

DP and I are only holiday. In general, I have nothing bad to say about this man. We’ve been together a year and I have very few complaints about him. He’s fantastic. Hence this really surprised me.

We arrived last night. The apartment has one gorgeous big main bedroom and one small spare room.

He likes to have the light on until right before be falls asleep, while he browses his phone, etc. It drives me a bit mad, especially if I’m trying to fall asleep before him, but I’m used to it.

Last night I had a pounding migraine that had plagued me for hours. At bedtime and asked if he could please turn the light off so I could have darkness to sleep, just this once as my migraine was so bad. And to my surprise he said no, because he doesn’t like to be in the dark while he looks at his phone.

He said “well what do you want me to do? I don’t like to look at my phone in the dark so I don’t want to turn all the lights off”.

I ended up going into the dingy spare room to sleep alone, so I could be in the dark.

My head hurt too much to think too much about it at the time but I’m pretty bloody angry today.

I haven’t said anything as we’ve been on an excursion but I’m internally seething.

AIBU to think he was incredibly selfish?

OP posts:
PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 15/04/2025 20:10

He was very selfish.

He put his phone scrolling above your health.

There's no way this can be a one off situation.

Original poster
Lightsoutpal · 15/04/2025 20:13

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 15/04/2025 20:10

He was very selfish.

He put his phone scrolling above your health.

There's no way this can be a one off situation.

Never ever in our whole year together has he been anything less than lovely and considerate. It’s really shocked me.

His argument was that he couldn’t fall asleep immediately so needed his phone and therefore needed the light.

I pointed out that I have been struggling to falling asleep with the light ON for a year, because that suits him, and just learnt to adapt. He could’ve managed for one night.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 15/04/2025 20:14

He sounds like a dick. He wasn’t even willing to compromise when you were unwell. You need to put your foot down or this bullshit will continue (sound like you’ve already been putting his ‘wants’ first).

giveituplucy12 · 15/04/2025 20:15

There being two rooms available, it seems like there was a really easy solution to this, no?

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/04/2025 20:15

Just to add @Lightsoutpal you were much more reasonable than me. I probably would have thrown his phone out of the window muttering “well there’s a light outside for you”. 😂

Squirrelblanket · 15/04/2025 20:17

He does not need the light on to look at his phone! How annoying!

pizzaHeart · 15/04/2025 20:17

Yes, he was.
You approached it very reasonably , I would consider it a huge red flag because he basically showed you that if you were unwell or had a problem he would be supportive only if it suited him and didn’t inconvenience him.
It’s not a partner material, it’s just FWB.
By the way I wouldn’t raise it with him just now, I would think carefully and reflect. And would do only what suited me.

pizzaHeart · 15/04/2025 20:18

giveituplucy12 · 15/04/2025 20:15

There being two rooms available, it seems like there was a really easy solution to this, no?

Yes, he could sleep in a smaller room.

NotaCoolMum · 15/04/2025 20:18

A year isn’t very long at all when you’re getting to know someone’s true character.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 15/04/2025 20:20

YANBU. If my partner was ill and asked for the light off I'd either settle down to sleep or go into the other room myself. Really selfish of him. I don't know why he needs the light on to look at his phone anyway -book reading yes; but he's looking at a device equipped with light. Bizarre.

yeesh · 15/04/2025 20:21

Well he’s been self the whole year by doing it and letting you “adapt”. He’s a prick & would rather you suffer than compromise. Bin him off

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/04/2025 20:22

He won't ever put you first. You've been compromising. He won't. What other selfish behaviour will be revealed as time goes on? Can you tolerate this selfishness in a "partner" long term?

FamilyPhoto · 15/04/2025 20:22

He is showing you who he really is.

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2025 20:24

It sounds like he's always been inconsiderate tbh

Cornishclio · 15/04/2025 20:25

Yes he was selfish. Scrolling on his phone is obviously more important than you being unwell. I don’t know why you should always be the one who compromises. Tell him to go in the small room tonight

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 15/04/2025 20:25

Lightsoutpal · 15/04/2025 20:13

Never ever in our whole year together has he been anything less than lovely and considerate. It’s really shocked me.

His argument was that he couldn’t fall asleep immediately so needed his phone and therefore needed the light.

I pointed out that I have been struggling to falling asleep with the light ON for a year, because that suits him, and just learnt to adapt. He could’ve managed for one night.

Show quote history

So it wasn't a one off situation, he has always put his needs before yours, and you've been the one to make the compromise.

giveituplucy12 · 15/04/2025 20:28

pizzaHeart · 15/04/2025 20:18

Yes, he could sleep in a smaller room.

Show quote history

Yes, one of the two easy options.

Whitetruck · 15/04/2025 20:28

I'm wrong person to ask, I don't even allow DP to have his phone in the bedroom 🤣

I think he's.been selfish all along, you just haven't recognised it.

Loubylie · 15/04/2025 20:28

He is horrible.
You just haven't noticed up to now, because you've just adapted to his very annoying, odd and selfish quirk of having the light on while doom scrolling. Honeymoon stage is over now though and you're seeing him as he really is.

femfemlicious · 15/04/2025 20:30

He has shown you who he is...take heed...do not brush it under the carpet...act accordingly!...nuff said!

EnjoythemoneyJane · 15/04/2025 20:30

It’s not a partner material, it’s just FWB.

@pizzaHeart has it right. Even the densest, least emotionally literate man would understand that a migraine trumps a whiny preference for scrolling your phone with the fucking light on! Migraines are unbearable - I’d feel murderous rage over anyone being this selfish and uncaring.

If he’s like this after only 12 months, imagine how little your feelings will count for a couple of years from now.

You need to tell him how this has made you feel and his response will tell you everything you need to know about the future of this relationship. I fear it won’t be good news, sorry OP.

Biffbaff · 15/04/2025 20:31

He's a freak for "needing" the light on to look at his phone anyway.

He's a mean bastard for not allowing you to lie comfortably in the dark while you had a migraine.

Ener · 15/04/2025 20:32

What a horrible man.

Threecraws · 15/04/2025 20:37

Lightsoutpal · 15/04/2025 20:13

Never ever in our whole year together has he been anything less than lovely and considerate. It’s really shocked me.

His argument was that he couldn’t fall asleep immediately so needed his phone and therefore needed the light.

I pointed out that I have been struggling to falling asleep with the light ON for a year, because that suits him, and just learnt to adapt. He could’ve managed for one night.

Show quote history

Do you not see the contradiction in this post, he hasnt been lovely to you for the past year, you have just been over looking it.

Pleasealexa · 15/04/2025 20:37

giveituplucy12 you don't ask someone when a migraine to move so only one realistic option. He should have moved with good grace.

Op, I'm so sorry as it's never easy to process when a seemingly perfect partner drops the mask and reveals a deeply unpleasant side. You will struggle to work through the feelings.

Unfortunately in my experience such selfish behaviour doesn't get better..he made a choice to prioritise himself when the compromise for was low impact. It shows he isn't capable of a simple compromise. Often men who are like this deeply resent women "controlling" them into changing their behaviour. Does he have a good relationship with his mum?