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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP was really selfish?

69 replies

Lightsoutpal · 15/04/2025 20:08

DP and I are only holiday. In general, I have nothing bad to say about this man. We’ve been together a year and I have very few complaints about him. He’s fantastic. Hence this really surprised me.

We arrived last night. The apartment has one gorgeous big main bedroom and one small spare room.

He likes to have the light on until right before be falls asleep, while he browses his phone, etc. It drives me a bit mad, especially if I’m trying to fall asleep before him, but I’m used to it.

Last night I had a pounding migraine that had plagued me for hours. At bedtime and asked if he could please turn the light off so I could have darkness to sleep, just this once as my migraine was so bad. And to my surprise he said no, because he doesn’t like to be in the dark while he looks at his phone.

He said “well what do you want me to do? I don’t like to look at my phone in the dark so I don’t want to turn all the lights off”.

I ended up going into the dingy spare room to sleep alone, so I could be in the dark.

My head hurt too much to think too much about it at the time but I’m pretty bloody angry today.

I haven’t said anything as we’ve been on an excursion but I’m internally seething.

AIBU to think he was incredibly selfish?

OP posts:
BakelikeBertha · 15/04/2025 20:38

I've just read your post out to my DH, and he was absolutely HORRIFIED!! When I have a migraine, he straight away finds my tablets and sleep mask, draws the curtains closed, gets me a glass of water, and tells me to either call him if it's during the day and I need him, or to wake him if its at night and I need him. HE is a GOOD man OP. Your DP, is a selfish twat, and in all honesty, in your shoes, I'd be telling him that the relationship is over, and he can sleep the rest of the holiday in the small room, that you were forced to use when you were unwell.

Please don't be stupid enough to put up with this, a GOOD relationship, is so much more. You said 'Never ever in our whole year together has he been anything less than lovely and considerate', but this isn't actually true, is it, as he does this every night, and you've said that you've been forced to get used to it. Do you actually live together full time? If so, did you move in with him, or him with you, as if he moved in with you, you should have put your foot down from the start, you'd have seen him for what he is, a lot sooner if you had.

peppermintcrumble · 15/04/2025 20:43

Selfish and a phone addict. Throw this one back!

Iwannakeepondancing · 15/04/2025 20:44

Hmm major red flag.
Phones have lights on them ffs, why would he possibly need a light on too?!
Id be super upset about this and feel totally different about him.

Panterusblackish · 15/04/2025 20:48

BakelikeBertha · 15/04/2025 20:38

I've just read your post out to my DH, and he was absolutely HORRIFIED!! When I have a migraine, he straight away finds my tablets and sleep mask, draws the curtains closed, gets me a glass of water, and tells me to either call him if it's during the day and I need him, or to wake him if its at night and I need him. HE is a GOOD man OP. Your DP, is a selfish twat, and in all honesty, in your shoes, I'd be telling him that the relationship is over, and he can sleep the rest of the holiday in the small room, that you were forced to use when you were unwell.

Please don't be stupid enough to put up with this, a GOOD relationship, is so much more. You said 'Never ever in our whole year together has he been anything less than lovely and considerate', but this isn't actually true, is it, as he does this every night, and you've said that you've been forced to get used to it. Do you actually live together full time? If so, did you move in with him, or him with you, as if he moved in with you, you should have put your foot down from the start, you'd have seen him for what he is, a lot sooner if you had.

Totally agree with this.

He's let you put yourself out for ages but he won't do it once when you're ill.

I've suffered with really migraines for over 40 years. Lying down makes mine worse but trying to sit up is utterly exhausting.

When I was 18, my now DH got to experience one of my migraines in person for the first time as I was staying with him.

He held me up in bed in a sitting position until I fell asleep in his arms.

At the age of 19 he already had more empathy than your partner.

There are better men out there. Chuck this one back.

nutbrownhare15 · 15/04/2025 20:50

He's shown you who he is when you are unwell and vulnerable. And the others are right about hia selfishness previously with regards to having the light on. He has a history of not putting you first or not making a reasonable compromise. I'd be finishing it once you are back from holiday.

suburberphobe · 15/04/2025 20:54

No balcony where he could check his phone while you are asleep?

He sounds self-absorbed and not a keeper.

Holidays are often a good indication if one is suited to each other, being out of your comfort zone.

Sorry you are going through this OP. You deserve better.

pizzaHeart · 15/04/2025 20:56

I personally don’t think that you have to talk to him about it at all, only in the context “ I’m kind enough to explain why I’m breaking up with you” . No way it was misunderstanding, he showed you nice and clear who he really was and where you were on the list of priorities.
So the conversation would only upset you and give him an opportunity to gaslight you. Plus breaking up on a holiday is very inconvenient as then you have to stay at the same apartment. Not pleasant. You would feel much more secure and confident once you were back home.

mondaytosunday · 15/04/2025 21:00

Why does he need the light to look at his phone?
Frankly this would be a big red flag for me. It doesn’t matter that he’s ‘fantastic’ up til now.

Redpeach · 15/04/2025 21:00

The whole phone thing is selfish even without you being ill

giveituplucy12 · 15/04/2025 21:06

Do you know, pizzaheart and pleasealexa, you're right. As someone who suffers from migraines, I was only thinking in that moment what would be needed, and I absolutely wouldn't be up for the emotional gymnastics of a row with my partner. I had a bad one last week, where to my own surprise, and my partners, I ended up vomiting. My partner was very concerned fir me, wanted to help, and I just wanted him away, wanted a dark room, wanted quiet. I was thinking of the immediate needs, but a jerk who just wants to keep scrolling, screw that. He's a dick.

I could be projecting here, but I often wonder, with migraines, do people think we are making it up? That it's not really that bad? Do you think he was thinking you weren't really as ill as you you were "making out" to be? I get paranoid, and tend to be like " no my head is really sore, honestly!" But people are always reassuring and understanding, so that would be another red flag if he was like " yeah, right, sore head, whatever".

GeorgianaM · 15/04/2025 21:34

Never mind the lighting and off crap, I can't understand why after only being together for a year he scrolls on his phone instead getting passionate with you or just engaging with you.

I've been married for decades and would be horrified if my husband was more interested in looking at his phone instead of enjoying my company.

What a sad state of affairs for a young couple.

He's obviously not that into you if he isn't compassionate about your migraine.

Springdaffs1 · 15/04/2025 21:36

This is him at his ‘best’, while he’s trying to give the very best impression to you. Before kids or any other stressors that life throws in the way…

Hankunamatata · 15/04/2025 21:37

So why didn't he go to another room?

On another note I have a snoozeband that covers eyes and plays white noise. I literally cannot sleep without it these days and saved me a fortune on black out blinds

MostlyHappyMummy · 15/04/2025 21:39

Why have you been putting up with having to sleep with a light on for a year?
And what kind of phone does he have that means the screen isn't visible unless the light in the room is on?

XiCi · 15/04/2025 21:43

You've been going to sleep with the light on for a year??? Christ, stop being a doormat. What else do you do to appease him? He sounds absolutely horrible.

Ponderingwindow · 15/04/2025 21:44

The first time I had a migraine while staying at my now DH’s home, he went out and bought blackout curtains. He installed them by hand with self taping screws and a manual screwdriver so he would make as little noise as possible.

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 15/04/2025 21:45

Lightsoutpal · 15/04/2025 20:13

Never ever in our whole year together has he been anything less than lovely and considerate. It’s really shocked me.

His argument was that he couldn’t fall asleep immediately so needed his phone and therefore needed the light.

I pointed out that I have been struggling to falling asleep with the light ON for a year, because that suits him, and just learnt to adapt. He could’ve managed for one night.

Show quote history

“Never in our whole year has he been less than lovely and considerate”

But that isn’t true is it? He’s made you learn to adapt to him keeping the light on for a year because it suits him, which is the exact opposite of lovely and considerate.

mediummumma · 15/04/2025 21:48

NotaCoolMum · 15/04/2025 20:18

A year isn’t very long at all when you’re getting to know someone’s true character.

Indeed.

And I wonder if there are other ways the OP has adapted to accommodate him? And what ways has he adapted to suit OP? Think I can guess!

AhBiscuits · 15/04/2025 21:50

Being a people pleaser won't make you happy OP. He can stay up on his phone if he wants, but not in the bedroom. Once you're in bed light goes off.

autisticbookworm · 15/04/2025 21:51

You say he’s lovely and considerate but he’s made you fall asleep with the light on for a year. Are you sure there not other areas you are having to compromise on to keep the peace?

id definitely raise this again it’s concerning he doesn’t see the issue

Maitri108 · 15/04/2025 21:52

He sounds like a catch. Can you buy an eye mask (available from most pharmacies) for the rest of your holiday?

NappyArgument · 15/04/2025 21:54

I have experience of a relationship like this. It never gets better, it will only get worse. One year is nothing to really know someone. Run.

Gemmawemma9 · 15/04/2025 21:56

He is not always lovely and considerate. He sits with the light on while you try and sleep, every night. That is selfish and inconsiderate.
Refusing to turn off the light while you have a migraine and are in pain is horrible, selfish and cruel.

Snowfalling · 15/04/2025 21:57

Lightsoutpal · 15/04/2025 20:13

Never ever in our whole year together has he been anything less than lovely and considerate. It’s really shocked me.

His argument was that he couldn’t fall asleep immediately so needed his phone and therefore needed the light.

I pointed out that I have been struggling to falling asleep with the light ON for a year, because that suits him, and just learnt to adapt. He could’ve managed for one night.

Show quote history

For a whole year now he's been showing you exactly how selfish and inconsiderate he is by disturbing your sleep, you have chosen to put up with his selfishness

JorgyPorgy · 15/04/2025 21:57

FamilyPhoto · 15/04/2025 20:22

He is showing you who he really is.

This