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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you were out for a walk with your adult kids/DGC…

64 replies

oppieno · 15/04/2025 20:06

And you stopped at a cafe for a hot drink and a cake, would you always try to pay the bill if you could easily afford it? Especially if you knew they were on less money and had young kids. I don’t want to offend anyone who might be proud, but feel it is only fair and the kind thing to do.

YABU = no, it should be split evenly
YANBU = it would be mean to not pay if you are comfortable and they are your DC/DGC who you don’t often see

OP posts:
IchiNiSanShiGo · 15/04/2025 20:07

That sounds lovely, especially if you don’t get together very often.

Cadenza12 · 15/04/2025 20:08

Generally speaking I would pay.

Gretnaglebe · 15/04/2025 20:10

Always

Watermill · 15/04/2025 20:11

Yes I always pay.

Caspianberg · 15/04/2025 20:12

Yes I would offer to pay

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 15/04/2025 20:12

It's not "mean" to not pay for everyone and just pay for yourself... but it is really nice to always offer or to get it as a treat

My mum does and I appreciate it sometimes I still like to "treat" her back though.

My mil expects us to pay for everything which i think IS actually mean...

TartanMammy · 15/04/2025 20:13

My mum never lets me pay (I'm an adult with DC). I always offer and I'd like to treat her but she insists on paying. This is probably how it should be - if the grandparent is the wealthier one.

Rooroobear · 15/04/2025 20:15

I think it’s always nice if you can but if not then just pay for you

Original poster
oppieno · 15/04/2025 20:16

I was talking to my friend about it and she laughed and said she’d asked her granddaughter to buy her a coffee and thought that was only fair. It made me wonder if I’d been overly generous and embarrassed my own lot

OP posts:
MumoftwoGranofone · 15/04/2025 20:16

It’s one of the things I love to do when I can …

Lindy2 · 15/04/2025 20:18

My mum always wants to pay for me. She can afford it. It's nice to be looked after by my mum. I do make sure I do little treats for her in return and take her out for her birthday, mother's day etc.

My MIL is the absolute opposite and expects us to be treating her all the time and taking her out like she's some kind of VIP. We deliberately see much less of her.

Dueanamechange2025 · 15/04/2025 20:18

My parents always tend to offer to pay. We do like to treat them back sometimes too, but they often get in their first.

DHs parents on the other hand, rarely offer and pretty much always let us pay. They are a lot wealthier then us and it drives me insane!

Cornishclio · 15/04/2025 20:19

Generally we pay for our family when out for a meal etc. they have mortgages and childcare and we are comfortable early retired.

lalaloopyhead · 15/04/2025 20:22

When I was younger with young kids and not much money, my Mum would often treat me and I really appreciated it. Now I am much older (adult kids) and much better off I now nearly always treat my Mum.
I more often than not treat my kids when we're out, as again they are I less stable situation.

It's just one of those things isn't it? I am sure that your DC are thankful for you kindness and they will hopefully repay it once they are able.

Itsjustnotthevibe · 15/04/2025 20:22

My parents will always pay when we are out even if I try and say no, I am never offended and it nice to still feel like they are looking after me.

Poonu · 15/04/2025 20:23

oppieno · 15/04/2025 20:16

I was talking to my friend about it and she laughed and said she’d asked her granddaughter to buy her a coffee and thought that was only fair. It made me wonder if I’d been overly generous and embarrassed my own lot

Edited

In our family we fight over who pays (everyone wants to pay)

pizzaHeart · 15/04/2025 20:24

In my family we all would. Don’t think my MIL would in this particular situation as she would enjoy the feeling of “being treated” however she would be generous in other situations.

TuckedUpInBedWithAPackOfCremeEggs · 15/04/2025 20:24

It’s a lovely think to do and my mum always ftold es the same.

But if they started to expect it, it would be a different matter…

Jessica5678 · 15/04/2025 20:26

My parents always pay in those scenarios. Both sides can easily afford it and they always want to so I just let them. It’s not a pride issue for me. I wouldn’t let them pay for my house or my car or a holiday, but I’m not going to argue over the cost of a coffee and cake.

I’d be pretty cross if they expected my kids to pay for them in the way your friend expects though, that’s not fair.

Teenagerantruns · 15/04/2025 20:26

My Dad is 83 he never let's me pay for anything, l also normally treat my adult children l have alot more disposable income than them, l only see them every few months due to distance so its not like I'm paying weekly.

HappyHappyy · 15/04/2025 20:33

My parents always insist on paying. It’s not worth the arguing anymore, they won’t back down. We are very lucky.

Mandylovescandy · 15/04/2025 20:43

My parents often pay for me - sometimes I feel a bit embarrassed that they are always treating us but we can't afford it and I wouldn't choose to stop at a cafe for that reason. Also I know parents, and especially dad, want to do it and how he likes to show his love

huuskymam · 15/04/2025 20:47

I have 2 adult kids and pre teen, adult kids are in reasonably good jobs. When we go out as a family me/dh will always pay. It's just normal for us even though they do offer. I do days trips with my mam and sis regularly, and we wouldn't let our mam pay even though it bugs her.

tinyspiny · 15/04/2025 20:54

We don’t have grandchildren but I’m always willing to pay when I’m out with my adult children although to their credit they are also willing to pay

Sonolanona · 15/04/2025 21:09

My Mum still tries to pay for me every time... and I'm 57 😂
DD and I tend to share the bills, as we are together most days ..she earns more and I do the childcare so if it's day trips, she'll pay one time, I'll pay the next, but if we are just grabbing a coffee, or a bit of shopping or a treat for the kids.. I prefer to pay :) It just feels right.