To think most people who stay “friends” with exes are emotionally unfaithful?

[ThatPeachLemur]

It’s not maturity - it’s a backup plan.

YABU.
Still friendly with a previous partner. We keep in touch on occasion and catch up. Would have a pint with him if I saw him in the local etc.
I suppose it depends on the circumstances- we broke up amicably and respectfully, just wanted different things in life. He’s still a nice guy and we get on well.

Exactly.

I have met my DH’s exes, gone out to dinner with them, etc. One of them was at our wedding and we talk to her from time to time and keep each other updated. The one ex I have we remained friends until he chose to be born-again Christian and went off the deep end.

If my DH did cheat, it doesn’t matter who with, but that he cheated in the first place.

Nonsense. I went to one of my exes wedding, and also went to one of DPs exes wedding. I get on very well with his wife. She’s a lovely person. We were all good friends at university and remained so for many years afterwards.

I'm friends with more than one ex. It's been a long time since we were in a relationship and it's not remotely complicated.

Why would it be a ‘backup plan’? I mean, you’ve already been there and the relationship ended for whatever reason — it didn’t work for one or both of you. As backup plans go, it would be like getting back into a life raft you already know from last time is going to sink.

I was actually quite pleased when I learned that DP
is friends with a lot of women and a couple of them are exes - it means he wasn’t a complete wanker to them when they were together.

I’m friends with a lot of exes too. They get along fine. I introduced one ex to his wife, was bridesmaid at their wedding, and when he sadly died young, held her hand at his funeral.

If you think you might be in danger of rekindling old flames, then of course that’s better avoided, but it’s not something I’m interested in with any of my former beaus.

Mature people can handle things that are emotionally complicated. There's no reason to avoid it. Also when it comes to boundaries, those are things you impose on yourself, not on other people. You don't get to say I have this boundary, so you can't do this. It's you saying I won't or can't do this. That's what a boundary is

I once went out with a bloke whose exes were all mad and who hated him. Apart from the ex he used to have to run to, day or night, to help with her relationship issues. I'm one of the mad exes now.

Like a pp, dh stayed friends with most of his exes. As did I (bar1!)

One of my friends has a great r/ship with his ex and mother of his kids. Totally platonic. They are better as friends than a couple. He had a gf who really, really couldn't get it and was often enraged by the friendship.

Sometimes you have to be at least civil with your ex because you share children. Can't be helped.

My ex was my best man at my wedding, it isn’t emotionally complicated. It is about jealousy, its also about insecurity.

Agree

Well I'm still friends with my ex. We have a grown DS but have not been a couple for over 15 years now. We still have shared friends. In fact he spent Xmas with my partner and I.

No I have no desire to shag him and don't want to get back with him. He's been in a relationship with a lovely lady for almost 10 years and I've been with OH going on 9. We have been out as a 4 on quite a few occasions

Well this is a complete backtrack from your first post in which you claimed some sort of Universal Law of People Who Stay Friends With Exes. And now, presented with a bit of logic, you're saying it doesn't apply every time, but it does apply sometimes. No shit, Sherlock! Every ex and every situation is different. No doubt there are back-up plans and unhealthy continued entanglements out there. And there's everything else too, from utter loathing between people who never want to see each other's face again, to perfectly healthy, amicable friendships between people who realised they were ill-suited as a couple but still like each other in a platonic way.

My boundary would be to not be in a relationship with someone who couldn't understand the above and actually thought there was a one-size-fits-all boundary here.

My parents are friends and been divorced forever

One of my parents does things with my other parents partner, they are mature adults

YABU. I'm very vaguely in touch with a few exes on FB and have bumped into a couple once or twice over the years. They live a long way away. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that there is not the slightest lingering attraction. As for back-up... nope. I have no need of back-up!

Bullshit. I am friends with a few exes. Have even been to one of their weddings. All of us have moved on, some many many years later.

If this is a worry for you, then you're not old enough to be in a relationship

This is very weird. It's not a back up plan or maturity. I dated my ex, he was lovely, but it wasn't right for either of us. He's married to a perfectly nice woman. We are still very good friends.

DH also has an ex he was with for a long time. She's moved on as well and is married. He's also very close to her and her parents too who have always been fond of DH. Neither DH nor I are threatened by our exes. We hung out with my ex and his wife a couple of weekends go. DH actually really likes my ex. I like his ex too- she's charming and funny and I can totally see what he saw in her.

Sometimes relationships don't work out and that's okay? There are other short term relationships I had where I am in not in touch because the man was a dickhead or very immature. There is another ex I am in touch with but only occasionally (an annual happy birthday/happy new year WhatsApp and a quick catch up about our partners and kids).

But relationships that end (in the grand scheme) relatively amicably and where people realise that they are perhaps not in love with the other person, but still fond of them, I don't see why they can't be friends.

I’m actually friends with my ex. Actually, come to think of it, I’m friends with probably 3-4 people I’ve dated before I met dh. By friends, I mean we’re Facebook friends and we wish each other happy birthday or send condolences after the death of a parent or congratulations after birth of a child. I knew them a long time and actually now have known them 20-25 years. If I wanted to shag any of them (and I definitely don’t 😂), I would have done that decades ago (I did! But wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole now).

But that said, the friendships are very aboveboard. We keep in touch like old school friends do. The only time I’ve seen the one I am closest to was when he and his wife invited me over to see their new house. And Dh and I went to their wedding! We may occasionally ask each other how family members are doing, but would never meet up alone. Not because anything would happen, just that I have no reason to. I’m happy to keep it at that level. I’m very happy in my marriage and cringe at the thought I ever got with any of them frankly. 😂 They are solidly in the friend zone.

It's kind of default mode for many lesbians (at least in my experience) so YABU. They are exes for a reason but they were once people you enjoyed being with also for a reason.

They tend to be drama llamas - desperate to lord it over their new girlfriend as the ‘original’

I would never get back together with my ex, but stay friends from afar. I guess because cutting someone off feels like a bereavement. I like to know they’re still out there doing ok .

Nonsense.

I have ex's I'm not mates with because they were idiots and I dumped quickly or I just lost touch. One serious ex I would have liked to maintain a friendship with but he was too hurt I left him so I respected that. Some casual exes I am pally with.

One ex I dated fairly briefly then after the breakup, he moved in with me as a lodger and we lived together, entirely platonically, for several years. We would NEVER have worked together as a couple. That was very helpful for weeding out insecurities and jealousy in newer boyfriends and my current DP passed the 'test' as he didn't GAF. I was always upfront about it and now sometimes visit said ex and his now wife abroad where they moved.

Entirely depends on the people involved in my view.

I would talk to all of my exes if I bumped into them (bar one for very good reason ).

However, it'd be a friendly chit chat , might even end with a quick hug. But no exchanging numbers, no regular contact , as to me that feels like a boundary push- especially seeing as I'm married.

I think 'the past ' can come mentally rushing back. The good, and the not so good. And it can stir up old feelings (both good and bad). I do find it's very hard to extricate yourself from someone and see them as a 'friend' once you've shared an intimate relationship with them including sex.

Friendly, yes ! Absolutely. friends - I'm not so sure I'm afraid....