To think most people who stay “friends” with exes are emotionally unfaithful?

[ThatPeachLemur]

It’s not maturity - it’s a backup plan.

It's sad you can't trust but it isn't the fault of more emotionally mature people.

That's a weird thing to say, I don't think it's true at all.

I am friends with lots of exes and have spent this evening hunting for a suitable dress to wear to one of their weddings

Eh? I don’t get it

I‘m friends with my ex, we had many happy years together and have two children. We don’t want to be together but certainly don’t hate each other. He’s not a back up plan, he’s a friend.

Nope. I think it’s a sign of mature, emotionally healthy people who ended a relationship without bitterness, anger or recrimination, and were aware enough to recognise that the relationship wasn’t working but that didn’t mean they had to end a friendship.

I’m friends with an ex. Why wouldn’t I be? He’s lovely.

The ones that I’m not were mostly pre Facebook sort of era. I might be friends with them too if they were more recent and we’d had mobile phones etc.

They’re an ex for a reason. It doesn’t mean I’m not still quite fond of them, and stay in touch — it just means I no longer want to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with them.

Strange view, one of my exes is happily married to a friend of mine so we are friends and have zero interest in each other. Exes for a reason.

You mean by being friends with exes someone is being emotionally unfaithful to their current partner?
haha. No. That’s hilarious. And kind of messed up thinking. As long as a person isn’t having an inappropriate emotional relationship with the ex any longer then there is no infidelity.
people have pasts. Do you struggle with this? Do you get jealous very easily?
it’s not the exes you need to worry about. They are exes fur a reason.

I think friendship can come back, especially if you have a shared circle, but in the early days after a break up, if they've remained "friends" at least one is hoping to get back together and the other is being a coward rather than insisting on a clean break

It does depend on what being friends means though. I have exes I'm friendly with and could happily spend time with as part of a group (again proably not immeadiately after the split). I don't have any I'm in regular 121 contact with.

This speaks volumes about you, but says nothing about anyone else

My older DC is still friends with her 2 exes. (Lasted several years each.) Her new bloke doesn't mind and gets on with them OK. Their girlfriends don't like it though. I wonder if you're one of them @ThatPeachLemur

Not true at all, people who can't be friends on the other hand would worry me far more.

I'm friends with two ex's, one was my very first boyfriend and the other was the last boyfriend before meeting dh, in fact it was my ex who introduced us. Five years ago when my mother was receiving end of life care both ex's were in daily contact and one dropped food to the hospital to me, my husbands reaction was one of gratitude because he was a few hours away where we now live but my ex's were local. Our friendship is no threat to my marriage but being told who I can be friends with would threaten it.

I’m not saying every single person who’s friends with an ex is being shady but let’s not pretend it’s never emotionally complicated. The idea that there’s a totally clean break and zero lingering connection ever, especially when someone keeps that person around in their inner circle, does raise questions for some people.

It’s not about jealousy, it’s about boundaries. And yes, people have pasts but if your ex is still part of your present, then it’s fair to ask how that impacts your current relationship.

I wish my ex the best but no, I don’t want to be friends thank you.

If it were emotionally complicated I wouldn’t be friends with any exes. It’s perfectly emotionally straightforward — a liking left over after the attraction has long gone.

I have quite a lot of exes from student days. I got in touch one of them recently because a video with him in came up on my YouTube feed. Within 5 minutes I got an email back from him. I was a) really pleased to reconnect briefly and b) filled with memories of how he was simultaneously a nice person and a real tosser. Can't see how this impacts on a marriage of nearly 30 years duration.

I think it can be complicated, I thought I was friends with my ex but it turned out he still had feelings and was living in hope of a reunion. When he eventually told me how he felt he thought I’d been stringing him along by staying friends with him and messing with his head. (On purpose)

It's unfortunate that you're insecure, but that doesn't mean you can cast aspersions on everyone else.

It’s not about jealousy, it’s about boundaries

But with some people you don’t need to enforce boundaries because they wouldn’t dream of ever crossing them anyway. I don’t need to lock my bathroom door because my kids would never ever come in if someone else was in there. I don’t need to worry that my kids leave cash in their rooms because none of us would ever touch it.

As someone who fell into an emotional affair with a very old ex bf over lockdown, I can see how it happens… I know it was a strange time for us all, but I went on for a good few months and really escalated but 25 years prior we had been in a very intense relationship in our late teens / 20’s and I ended things back then and he was devastated. I was too young, that was all. I know he quickly moved on and married really young… we have always kind of been in touch as have mutual friends etc and it all started innocently enough… but it became pretty full on, and although neither of us actually said our feelings directly, it was pretty clear!! It all ended with his wife catching him messaging and that was that… but then he would call me instead and be very devious! It’s gradually petered out tbh, which was a relief, as I miss him but not the stress. We pretended we were good friends, but good friends don’t behave like we did!! God job we lived a long way from each other or I think things could have escalated.

I guess there is always the potential with an ex… although I can think of several who I wouldn’t go near… this guy was more special I think.

No, you're being ridiculous. And coming across as someone who's not happy with a current partner's relationship with an ex.

Believe it or not, some of us are mature enough to do it without seeing them as back up. For Christ's sake, there was a reason you split as 'partners', so why would you want to go back to that?
But you can still be friends if you are a grown up.

Ridiculous