Am I being unreasonable cutting my father off from my son’s life?

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I’m struggling with a decision I made recently and wondering if I’ve gone too far.

My father is 83. I live 200 miles away, work full time, and have a young son (3) with my wife. Since my son was born, my dad hasn’t really made any effort to be a part of his life.

He didn’t come to visit after the birth, literally the first thing he said was that he couldn’t come. He didn’t attend my son’s christening. When we do visit, about twice a year he barely interacts with my child. He just sits there, doesn’t try to play with him or engage at all. It’s awkward and sad.

The final straw was me trying to include him in our next trip. I invited him to join us at a zoo near where he lives something easy and low-effort, just a few hours to spend time with his grandson. He flat-out said no.

I was upset and told him on the phone that I don’t think he should be part of my son’s life anymore. He didn’t seem to understand why I was hurt. In fact, he acted like nothing was wrong and that he does make effort.

For more context, I believe his partner has a lot of influence over him and his decisions, they will happily travel to see her friends in a single day. Her mid 40’s son now lives with them along with one of his children. That dynamic has made it harder over the years to maintain a close connection.

Now I feel like absolute crap. I hate that it’s come to this. But I also feel like I’ve done all I can to make space for a relationship that he just doesn’t seem to want to put effort in to.

So, AIBU to draw this line and say my dad is no longer welcome in my son’s life? I just don’t want my child growing up around people who can’t be bothered.

I imagine his partner will probably use the inheritance card if I try and speak to them as she is obsessed with money, but I am not really bothered about as I earn enough and have been independent financially all my working life.

Thanks in advance for any perspectives, this is weighing very heavy on me.

Gently, he is a very old man. Trekking 200.miles to see a newborn is a big ask. And a zoo visit is completely inappropriate for someone so elderly. Zoos are exhausting even for younger people!
I think that young children are just not everyone's bag, and that's okay- lots of people find them a bit dull and difficult to be around when they're young. I found that my own GPs weren't bothered about my kids until they were about seven, and could have adult conversations.

He’s 83. My dad can’t do a day at the zoo at 83 and he adores his grandchildren. He also can’t travel 200 miles easily.

I can understand why you are hurt. There’s no need to cut him out of your lives, though - just lower your energy to closer to his.

There’s a massive difference between what someone can do at 73 and 83; your father’s just not up to being the sort of grandfather you wish he could be.

I don’t think there was any need to tell him that . That’s mean . He lives so far away and for an 83 year old that’s a fair trek . The zoo bit could probably be all too exhausting for him . You only go there twice a year yourself so that’s not much and there is no way they can make a bond with 2 visits a year , maybe when your son is older they could . Most kids love their pops when they have a connection which comes with age and time .

He’s 83? And that’s a lot of travel. And a zoo trip could easily be too much. Gently, this is the reality of elderly parents. You have to go to them the older they get.

I can’t be doing with all this cutting people out of children’s lives for spurious reasons.

Life is made up of different relationships. Some will be good, some will be positive, some less so, but one of the huge factors growing up is that children are exposed to all types of relationships.

Bringing children up to believe that everyone is always out for them all of the time and anyone who doesn’t interact with them in a certain way should be cut off achieves nothing. It certainly doesn’t teach them about relationships with other people.

Growing up I had family who cared and family who didn’t really. I just got to know them as auntie x who I didn’t have much to do with.

Cutting him out is clearly more about you and how you think he should act than about your DS or him. You think that by cutting him out of your child’s life you’ll force him to do the things that you think he should. It doesn’t work like that.

So he’s. Not that interested. Big deal. So your son’s relationship with him will just be different. Nobody is being harmed here.

I do think you are being unreasonable. My family live 160miles away I go to visit either for a couple nights up to a week at a time and I try to match their energy levels sometimes its just read a story and watch TV with little one, sometimes it's go for a drive and walk along the coast to a coffee shop.

I don't spend every minute with them but try and do quality time in small doses.

Relationships come in all styles but honestly some of the best memories of my nan were walking her dog with her and watching movies.

He's 83!

You sound unreasonable and unrealistic about what an 83 year old is capable of.

Unless there is further backstory I don't see the need for NC here, you could just accept this relationship for what it is. At 200 miles away and his advanced age how actively involved do you expect him to be?

My dad is five years behind your dad and all his GC have grown up. I can't imagine my dad putting up with the travelling and play expectations that you are putting on yours. My dad is slowing down because of illness, but his GC still visit. My DD talks about books and photography with him, which he loves. My dad is a former electrical engineer so his heyday with the GC was the Lego phase! We don't go on trips that involves long walks anymore because both of my parents have mobility issues. So I empathise with your dad. Don't cut him out.

Why does it have to be so cut and dried? Give the old man a break and just carry on with the odd invite.

I don’t think I would have formally announced that . I would just have not asked again and waited for him to engage . If he doesn’t then you have your answer . To be fair though 83 is an age and maybe he’s just slowing down in life generally.

I think a lot of men of that age are not always particularly pro active and brilliant with kids. I think often the ones who are, are led by their wives, they often just go along with what she wants to do and who she wants to see socially....and your father's partner is not your mother so doesn't have that inclination or draw towards you and your family I'm afraid.

I don't think you need to do a dramatic announcement and cut him out of your life....perhaps a we'd love to see more of you dad conversation might work better.

I absolutely understand why you feel disappointed though.

Your dad is 83.
If you are only seeing him twice a year , you're not really getting an idea of his capabilities. He might be unable to travel or walk around a zoo. My dad died at 82 and in the preceding years there's no way he could walk around a zoo or travel 200 miles independently!

I think because you so seldom see him, you have an unrealistic view of what he is capable of. You need to be making an effort to go and see him.

Also- without being rude- how old are you????

Quite unusual to hsve 82 year old grandparents of a 3 year old!

As you live far away and they rarely see each other I think it's unrealistic to expect your father to have a close relationship with your son. I don't think that means you have to cut him off though! That seems unnecessarily harsh.

Jesus, why does it have to be all or nothing?! He’s an old man, but even if he wasnt you only see him a couple of times a year so just rub along? If you visit and he doesn’t play with your child, so what?! Just let the child play and sit chatting to your dad. If he doesn’t want to go to the zoo (which in my experience involves a fair bit of walking) say ok see you when we’re back, or ask what he’d prefer. Cutting him out is ridiculous.

When my kids were little, most elderly relatives were involved only in the sense that we visit relative for a cup of tea, put toddler on the floor with a couple of toys, and my relative drinks tea and says “isn’t he cute” occasionally. That is as much as I’d expect from an 80+ year old.

as the child gets older, there could be more interaction but you can’t force a relationship or get cross when someone doesn’t develop the relationship you imagined.

Exactly this. To what benefit would cutting him off bring? You may not have him many more years, how would you feel?

If he was younger I would have said he's unreasonable but given he's 83 some of the things you've suggested he do he would likely find very difficult given his age, my dad is nearly 70 and finds small children difficult because he doesn't have the energy he used to have so I just accept that and we see him when we can and he usually sits down and talks to them and they draw him pictures and things where he doesn't really have to move from his seat, I think given you only see him a couple of times a year anyway you might aswell plod along with it and just remember he is an old man and it's probably not easy for him to do the things younger people take for granted

Yes. YABU and you have gone too far.

Oh, I absolutely hate this trend for cutting contact because of some perceived slight. ( I'm not, in the slightest, condemning this in abusive set-ups, though).

I'm wondering if there is history of resentment, on your part OP? What has been your relationship like growing up?
It seems harsh, brutal, even to so something so final. I think he could be very, very hurt if you did this, without even communicating adequately as to why.

As others have said, he is an old man, maybe frailer, tireder, than you realise.
Travelling 200 miles and a zoo visit sounds exhausting.

Can you foster a closer relationship with him on your own? Maybe travel and stay with him overnight, so that he feels valued as a father rather than giving him the impression you resent him for not fulfilling his grandfatherly duties. I suppose this depends if you have, hitherto, had a reasonably functional relationship though.

Oh, and remember, children, especially young ones, can be less entrancing than you think.
I wonder if you are only seeing him through the lens of what society deems to be a "good
grandparent ".
Spend some time with him, take interest in his life, and he may do the same.
Hope it works out, OP.

But the big difference is that your dad is showing an interest, and engages with your kids. If the OP's dad were to behave like this when they visit, she wouldn't be writing this post.

For everyone saying 83 is ancient, it varies massively from one person to another. At 83yo my dad was still going up ladders, laying a patio and repainting the outside of his house. I know they're not all like that but not everyone is decrepit at 83.

OP I don't think there needs to be a formal cutting off, just stay in contact without trying to force a relationship with your DC.

Your father is the same age as DS (9yo)'s great grandparents and they aren't up to doing much physical with him at all anymore. Fortunately at 9 he is able to sit down and talk to them so they are able to build a bond that way. They would really struggle with a 3yo I think. Thankfully 6 years ago they were more active still.

Thanks all for the sense check. There is a quite a back story, more than I can get down. But having people express opinions about his age helps.

I agree with everyone else. Your expectations of him for an 83 year old man are too much. My Dad passed away this year and was 82. In the last year of his life there was no way he could have done that journey and no way he could have walked around a zoo. He would get tired really really easily. And a young child may be overwhelming for him and not everyone feels totally comfortable to interact with ones so young. Like my Dad, maybe he is more of an observer.

I think you need to cut him some slack here. Cutting him out of his life because e can't do the things you want him to do is just plain mean.

He is 83!!