Am I being unreasonable cutting my father off from my son’s life?

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I’m struggling with a decision I made recently and wondering if I’ve gone too far.

My father is 83. I live 200 miles away, work full time, and have a young son (3) with my wife. Since my son was born, my dad hasn’t really made any effort to be a part of his life.

He didn’t come to visit after the birth, literally the first thing he said was that he couldn’t come. He didn’t attend my son’s christening. When we do visit, about twice a year he barely interacts with my child. He just sits there, doesn’t try to play with him or engage at all. It’s awkward and sad.

The final straw was me trying to include him in our next trip. I invited him to join us at a zoo near where he lives something easy and low-effort, just a few hours to spend time with his grandson. He flat-out said no.

I was upset and told him on the phone that I don’t think he should be part of my son’s life anymore. He didn’t seem to understand why I was hurt. In fact, he acted like nothing was wrong and that he does make effort.

For more context, I believe his partner has a lot of influence over him and his decisions, they will happily travel to see her friends in a single day. Her mid 40’s son now lives with them along with one of his children. That dynamic has made it harder over the years to maintain a close connection.

Now I feel like absolute crap. I hate that it’s come to this. But I also feel like I’ve done all I can to make space for a relationship that he just doesn’t seem to want to put effort in to.

So, AIBU to draw this line and say my dad is no longer welcome in my son’s life? I just don’t want my child growing up around people who can’t be bothered.

I imagine his partner will probably use the inheritance card if I try and speak to them as she is obsessed with money, but I am not really bothered about as I earn enough and have been independent financially all my working life.

Thanks in advance for any perspectives, this is weighing very heavy on me.

At 83, I think going to the park with his grandson for an hour is reasonable. Traipsing round the zoo for a day, really isn't. DC's grandad is 87 and even the trip to church on Christmas morning is exhausting for him, he needs a nap when we get home. At 83, he could manage a couple of hours to the village car show, or maybe lunch out, but not much more than that.

I think you are expecting quite a lot
It would be nice if he were more interested but he's not
He hasn't done anything awful though (at least from what you say here) apart from fail to live up to your expectations so I don't see why you need to do anything dramatic. Just send the odd photo or text/phone occasionally
It sounds like you have some issues with his new partener that may well be justified but no reason to cut your Dad off completely - and I say that as someone who was NC with my Father for around 10 years before he died

He’s 83 give him the benefit of the doubt even if there’s been other things.

I’m LC or NC with all my extended family, just a phone call with one parent once a week currently. So I know these things are tough. To see that parent we book a static caravan once a year out of season (they are in a tourist area) as we don’t get invites and they don’t come to see our house. Last time was last autumn and it was a terrible holiday but at least I know I did my best to see them.

just drive to his area a couple of times per year book a self catering cottage so you and your family have a nice holiday. and invite him over for a cup of tea one day take your child over to visit for an hour another day.

I think the backstory is important here as this seems a dramatic reaction. My parents and inlaws are a decade younger and they couldn't do a zoo trip anymore.

Given the information here, I think the easier thing would just do something easier - meet up with him at his home for a couple of hours. Go out for lunch. If he's not been super involved with you as a child he's unlikely to thrive as a grandfather to a toddler. Just keep the connection small and see if anything grows from it. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Thanks, this it what we do. Visit a few times a year and I ring weekly. I guess it’s just frustrating thing having any kind of effort on interaction only happening on one side when it comes to my side of the family vs his partner, her son and his child that all live together.

I don't think you need to cut him out unless there's a serious reason for it.
But I would recommend matching his energy, don't put the effort in if he isn't going to, don't push the relationship. Focus on people who care enough about your kid to interact with them.
We have family who just have no idea how to interact with our toddler, even when we spell it out, she's sat in her ball pit, she likes it if you throw the balls back to her when she throws them out, they just sat there gormlessly and then wondered why she didn't want to sit on their lap for kisses/cuddles/photos, she's not a prop & you've made no effort to connect with her! (They're not old/immobile)
My 80+ year old grandma would come out for the day with my daughter to the zoo; it's perfectly possible for some people at that age. When she's not feeling as up to it we normally go to national trust places or similar where you can hire those scooters.

I am no contact with my parents - based on your post yes you are unreasonable .

kids just 3 just go anywhere with no issue . They accept people they rarely see .

Also please bear in mind it was a very different generation so many years ago . Dads were not hands on at all .

My parents are in their mid 70s and they are pretty damned sprightly. They holiday in their campervan, Dad does the garden (a lot), they still drive and do Tesco. They are both slim, active and mentally very sharp. However if you take time to talk to them you find my mum's knee is really bad and standing for extended periods is agony. She walks ok. Her athritis is much worse and she can no longer do small things with her hands. My Dad's back is really bad and he too struggles to stand for long although apparently kneeling in the garden is fine. They got SO much more tired now than they used to. They are very open that the gulf in their energy between 70 and 75 is huge although both will still try and help me lift things whilst I am telling them not to be daft. They are old now, which they weren't 5 years ago. They say the kids are absolutely exhausting - noisy and fast moving and demanding. They love them but they don't babysit anymore, it's just too much. They couldn't do the zoo. We go to them and we take food to make as cooking for 8 or 10 is too hard on mum now.

If you don't want to see him then don't. However don't be fooled into thinking at 83 that he can still do what he could at 63.

You are being utterly unreasonable and selfish.
I don't know when people started to think that having a child gave them the right to micromanage every single member of their family with the threat of cutting contact with said child, but it's an ugly modern phenomenum.
If or when I have grandchildren, the split second the parents start to dictate what I can and can't do, I'm off.

You said she's all about money and that pretty much sums the whole thing. It's not in her best interests to have your dad having a close relation to your family, she has a grip on her husband and makes sure it doesn't happen. Trying to have a relationship with grandpa is like beating a dead horse. I call him twice a year (christmas and birthday), end off.

Don't sweat it because there's nothing you can do and he's not going to change. You're most probably not going to inherit so what's the point?

I am not sure why you are tying your relationship with him to your son. He has not been an involved grandfather but that's it. He is v elderly and probably has no energy or inclination for zoos etc. I think that he was likely a poor father to you and you are hitting back because that still upsets you.

I think you need to cast your mind to how he was as a father when you were little? Did he interact with you a lot then?
At 83 although people can be very active at that age ( I’ve known a couple who were very active at that age) and some less so, I think the thing they have in common at that age is men of that generation didn’t generally interact with their own small children back in the past, so they are even less likely to interact with their tiny Grandchildren when they themselves are much older with less energy.
I wouldn’t cut him off, I would carry on with the twice a year visit, or drop to one visit per year.

Did he move away or did you move away?

one of my parents chose to move 5 hours away. As it was their choice, I choose to match their energy. Call them on birthdays and Xmas and try to visit once every year. I get your hurt, because I see them visiting friends a lot and not making a similar effort to me. But it’s their choice. I don’t feel a need to be drastic and cut them off because I have just lowered my expectations by about 90%. I focus on other people.

If it was my choice to move away, I would feel differently. I would be a lot more proactive and choose age appropriate activities. I do think a zoo trip is not the best plan with an 83 year old. Maybe a local cafe/garden?

There's a difference in matching energy and strategically cutting out.

I've withdrawn effort from seeing DM because of her attitude to DS1. There's a long history of favouritism through the years and many family members, and she'd clearly repeat it on my DCs (last phonecall she didn't acknowledge DS1's existence). It's fair enough that she's at a life stage where I have to go to her, but she wants things in such a prescribed way that isn't practical around my commitments and the welcome isn't particularly warm anyway. She's not a compromiser.

I'm not cutting her off over it, but I'm not rushing to fill the gaps either.

It is hard when parents will put energy (can be emotional rather than physical) into others before their own child, but it's usually better to keep the door open rather than closing it off completely.

I would also add that as well as not liking to travel at 83 being fairly normal, your father was of a generation that didn't interact with kids like fathers do now. I'm not saying all fathers and I'm not saying there was neglect, just that the day to day stuff was left to the woman (rightly or wrongly). My Dad would give my kids his last penny, but if he'd have been asked to change a nappy he'd have been horrified. I know you say he does things with his wife's relatives, but does he really and is it at her insistence?

Your dad is an 83 year old man. He is very old. If he does work I'm the garden, he could well be going for a lie down after. You've said yourself your relationship is maintained by a weekly phone call and a few yearly visits so you're not seeing him every day and seeing how his energy levels are.
What I do want to say is your feelings are valid and there will be a grieving here for the life you hoped for with you all going out on big days out together. It's OK to feel sad about that.

UPDATE:
Thanks to everyone who responded; I appreciate the perspectives. It’s difficult to convey the full picture in a single post, and I thought I’d captured it better initially. I’ve since spoken to my father and apologised for overreacting. He accepted the apology, and we’re now planning a more relaxed activity for our next visit. I’ve decided to let him enjoy time with his grandson while he still can. I also raised the issues that had been bothering me; though I’m not sure they really sank in, but we ended the call on a positive note and both seemed content.

Well done OP for taking the comments on board and reaching out to your dad.

Well done, hats off to you for taking the feedback in good spirit and talking to your dad. I hope things go well.

My DH is brilliant with our DGC

He's in his eighties and is too old and creaky to play with small children, but our GC are older than yours - he sits and chats with them or plays a boardgame or they go for a walk or out somewhere

A toddler is too much for your dad - what do you expect really?

Well done Op . It takes a lot to not only admit it wasn’t the greatest judgement but to also act on it .

Hopefully the next visit will go more smoothly smoothly

Glad you talked it through with him @BogRollBOGOF. Neither of my DCs paternal grandparents reached the age of 83 and I remember secretly feeling a bit frustrated as they started to slow down and withdraw.

My gran did this and more a few years older than this but I don’t know anyone else her age that did that.

I would be hurt by this, especially since he does things with his other 5 grandkids that involve lots of travel.

You can’t change him op, he’s made his intentions clear.

83 and you expect him to do these things.

You'll have to just let it go, he can't do it. You can't force him.
Telling him your cutting him off is mean though. There is no need.