Am I being unreasonable cutting my father off from my son’s life?

[Boboboggle]

I’m struggling with a decision I made recently and wondering if I’ve gone too far.

My father is 83. I live 200 miles away, work full time, and have a young son (3) with my wife. Since my son was born, my dad hasn’t really made any effort to be a part of his life.

He didn’t come to visit after the birth, literally the first thing he said was that he couldn’t come. He didn’t attend my son’s christening. When we do visit, about twice a year he barely interacts with my child. He just sits there, doesn’t try to play with him or engage at all. It’s awkward and sad.

The final straw was me trying to include him in our next trip. I invited him to join us at a zoo near where he lives something easy and low-effort, just a few hours to spend time with his grandson. He flat-out said no.

I was upset and told him on the phone that I don’t think he should be part of my son’s life anymore. He didn’t seem to understand why I was hurt. In fact, he acted like nothing was wrong and that he does make effort.

For more context, I believe his partner has a lot of influence over him and his decisions, they will happily travel to see her friends in a single day. Her mid 40’s son now lives with them along with one of his children. That dynamic has made it harder over the years to maintain a close connection.

Now I feel like absolute crap. I hate that it’s come to this. But I also feel like I’ve done all I can to make space for a relationship that he just doesn’t seem to want to put effort in to.

So, AIBU to draw this line and say my dad is no longer welcome in my son’s life? I just don’t want my child growing up around people who can’t be bothered.

I imagine his partner will probably use the inheritance card if I try and speak to them as she is obsessed with money, but I am not really bothered about as I earn enough and have been independent financially all my working life.

Thanks in advance for any perspectives, this is weighing very heavy on me.

If there's a back story of him being a neglectful father to you and if he is fit enough to go out and about with his wife's children/grandchildren and their friends, I don't think you are being unreasonable to be hurt by this.

You are probably being unreasonable for expecting anything different if he has been a disengaged father all your life.

Well, from the title of your OP, I think the backstory is important, nay essential, to the context of your gripe?

I can’t imagine much less fun than going to a zoo with a three year old and I’m only in my 40s. Your father was 80 when your child was born and you’re holding a grudge that he didn’t trek across the country to visit. At 83 now, he will naturally have little in common and little interest in a toddler. There might have been a better relationship when your child is 5/6/7 onwards and they can chat, but it sounds like you’ve removed that opportunity now.
This is clearly about you and your relationship with your father, and your obvious resentment towards his wife - work in that instead of dramatically cutting people off.

Thanks, I was thinking I was getting slaughtered here, but you are correct. Yes is elderly, but still very active and seemingly does activities with his partners grandchildren no problem and is ok to travel 5 hours in a day for other people.

The thing is do you actually know how well he copes with those days out? Or are you just getting the impression from photos you have seen or what others have mentioned?

My MIL has a way of twisting things, she will say to my parents how lovely it is when we go to visit the in laws and make out we are there for a prolonged time doing lots of things. The reality is we now spend just an afternoon with them and usually combine the trip with something else in the area (as actually they are late 70s and seem to get tired/easily annoyed after a while by children). Therefore the purpose of the trip isn't just to see them as MIL makes out and they aren't as active/involved as they might make out to someone else (trying to one up on the other grandparents 🙄).

He's 83!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't be a dick.

It doesn’t sound like he’s done anything worth being cut off for

but maybe time for you and your dad to have a heart to heart
open and honest convo about how him not visiting made you feel like he doesn’t care and ask him if that’s the case ?
im guessing he will be horrified he’s hurt you then hopefully you can sort something you’re both happy or ok with

Yabu ..
He's 83. It's exhausting walking round a zoo. My 83 year old mum would not be able to manage that ! Being around children is exhausting.

It's very different going to see friends when you are just having a quiet lunch rather than the expectation to interact with a busy toddler.
My dad was utterly useless with my young children. Became very hands on when they were older

Pick up the phone. Say your sorry

This

He’s 83!
I bet you would still happily take his money when he goes.

I don’t need to thanks.

I get it, and it seems like there’s more at play here rather than just “frail old man can’t make journey” which would be completely understandable.

However, since contact is so limited anyway, is there any point in completely cutting him off?
If it’s to protect yourself emotionally, or just not having the burden of making all the effort , fair enough. If it’s just on principle, then it’s pretty pointless and you probably won’t have a lot of years left for you to do it anyway.

What’s his age got to do with it, if he is fit and healthy enough to do everything else.

Because it's absolutely exhausting. Hell, 3 year olds are knackering at 60, never mind 83.

I’ve never met a fit healthy 83 year old.

Understood, he is still fit and healthy enough to lay sleepers and slabs in the garden. Because he is in his 80’s doesn’t mean he his past it.

I have, but it is true and understandable that they get tired. And most families are accommodating and don't expect them to always be the one traveling, doing activities usually suitable for someone way younger, being the entertainment.

Absolutely this! He's 83 ffs. My dad is 81 and can't visit any more. I think you're bordering on being cruel tbh.

I can understand that it's hurtful to see him being more proactive for his step-family, but the reality is more likely that his wife arranges these things, and expects him to attend - and we are dependent on and can be much more influenced by someone we live with.

How old was he when you were born/when was it? Some old men had a very different expectation of fatherhood and never learn/want to be involved with the next generation.

My dad didn't have much to do with us as babies as he worked longer hours and my mum was SAH. But he's super keen to engage and is so helpful when we visit.

FIL, by contrast, is just "blind" to any of the responsibilities or the joys around our son. It just doesn't occur to him to need to deliberately engage, spot that something needs doing and our hands are full etc... he expects our son to love him just because. Not how kids work!

I don't think you need to do anything drastic like cutting him out of your life. I think you need to make peace with who he actually is, rather than who you need him to be.
Its a hard one, but hes an old man, and if he was never the best dad, hes unlikely to be a brilliant granddad either.
Dont feel obliged to try and get him involved

Gently, I think you need to manage your expectations around the sort of relationship that he is capable of having with your son. My in-laws are 10 years younger than your father, FIL is also be very physically able, but they don't really know how to communicate with my children and although it can seem like they are ignoring them - they are just a very different generation.

That being said, they did insist on visiting when my baby was around 4 hours old. I could have been done without that.

This.

He's 83 but I think it's normal to be hurt that he travels long distances and has days out with other people. He can make the effort for others but not the op

Have you spoken to him about this. Have you flat out asked him if he does want to see his grandkid and if so, what he wants to do?

Unfortunately you can't make him interact better with your child, he isn't suddenly going to be better at getting down and playing on the floor

83 is extremely old to have a 3 year old grandchild.
He may struggle to travel so far, same with a Zoo trip. My mum wouldn't be able to do with and is nearly 20 years younger.
It does appear he's just not interested though.
Only you know if you'd be better off having him in your life.

My parents are a few decades younger but in my experience nothing exhausts them like babies and toddlers. It doesn't compare to sport or DIY or other exertion. They love spending time with them but it always means an early night.

The way my DDad describes it is that what you can do, outings, exercise etc. doesn't seem to change much. What changes is the recovery time after.

Be realistic, he's 83. Even relatively fit and well people in their 80s are still in their 80s.