To not split benefit payments

[TryingReason]

Name changed for this and it's a long one, sorry!

Split with ex about 7 years ago, 1 DD now 11, she has additional needs and gets DLA.

I'll give the backstory- he financially drained me, cocklodger,I gave him 6 months to get a part time job and he didn't so i kicked him out (I found that really hard), I was working FT then so I (stupidly) signed over CB to him because he was homeless and this allowed him to get social housing. He did have DD once he finally got SH so to me it seemed to work out. Skip to covid, I was made redundant from my FT job & had to scrabble about finding odd jobs - i'm now self employed. At the same time ex was suddenly driving round in fancy new car. I went to him and asked him to sign the CB back to me so I could get benefit help while drumming up work, he didn't, so I had to challenge it and it was awarded to me 3 months later. I found out afterwards he was given over 150K inheritance at the time. He blew all of that in 2 years according to his DSis. Still never earned an income as far as i can tell.

We have no court order, a verbal agreement initially for 50/50. However our DD has wanted to go to him less and less as time has gone on. I'd say now I have her 65%/70% of the time? Tbh his behaviour is increasingly problematic...i've always found him a problem but DD is seeing it now as she gets older. He has control issues

Anyway, to the point - I have previously split DLA with him 50/50 even though he doesn't have her 50/50....He stopped me at the door the other day to tell me that Universal Credit have told him he's been erroneously claiming the Child Element, and Carers Element. And he owes them several thousand in back payment. I don't know why they paid this to him this since they have also paid it to me when i've not earned enough in a given month. Now, he's saying - I should split that with him, he's sending demanding messages about it. There are obvious issues with this

1. I pay for everything. School clothes, shoes, coats, general clothes, do all drop offs etc, drive her to appts
2. He generally has her 1 night a week and every other fri/sat, so not close to 50/50
3. I am not always paid it or all of it since i'm self employed so it depends on my earnings each month

I'm at breaking point with him now. His behaviour over the years and now this. He's the same with his DM (financial leech)...I am probably answering my own question here, but I find conflict like this really difficult.

Am I unreasonable to say no. To all of it. DLA, elements of UC. Theoretically I could split it based on percent she stays with him, of whatever I get on a given month but...I've really had enough of him now. He needs to earn an income, and myself, his mother, and his sister...have continually bailed this man out...I guess my one issue is - if this does go to court, if he tries to get 50/50 back etc...am I under any legal obligation to split those things?

And I would hazard a guess the boy wanted to see his father, and the court listened to that

different with your daughter

@HollyBerryz That's a very succinct way to put it

Wait I missed that

you mean to say he went to court and his application was rejected? In which case why on earth are you worried that he’ll be successful with you?!

@Eeljel Yes, though interestingly enough - his son has seen his father only a handful of times since he turned 12. He's now a young adult and never sees him....says it all really

I think you’ve got 2 Trump cards- your DD’s age and the UC benefit fraud angle. Either way it’s not your problem.

I think that you need to start reconsidering the forcing dd to go to contact thing or it could negatively affect your relationship with her too.

you have so much power op

don’t squander it

So, before his son was 12 - about 10/11...he won based on his ex 'alienating his son against him'. As soon as his son turned 12 his ex was able to appoint a solicitor on behalf of her son to basically say - i'm old enough to decide for myself now. So his dad had no more ability to force contact...but there was 2 years inbetween

@Snorlaxo Yeah...I think you're right. I've never forced but also never prevented. I knew about his sons court case prior, so I knew he could potentially accuse me of alienation if I actively prevented her. I actually know of 1 absolute horror story about PA in court..however you're right, she's 11 now. Do I really need to wait till she's 12

@Eeljel You're right...i'm going to send a flat No and speak to DD about contact going forward

Print off all texts of a threatening manner.. Including one he was going to use dd's benefits to pay his bills... Ask a solicitor to send him a letter suggesting he seeks legal advice to support his suitability for access to his dd- and not just to her benefits..
He's a fucking chancer..

OP My dad was also a dead beat turns out he was the one that gave me my autism and that’s why he’s unemployed

@Eggsboxedandmelting 'He's a fucking chancer'
He really is

Itemise a weekly list of dd's costs.. Ask him for 50%..when he won't tell him that's why you manage HER benefits...
Send him screenshots of the government guidance on benefits and inheritance...
The ones that talk about deprivation of assets...

I voted YABU purely for the fact that you have continously split money 50/50 with him even though he wasn't entitled to any of it, which you know was incredibly silly and created the problem of him keep demanding a 50/50 split of ALL benefits.

Not only that but he's fraudulently been claiming for UC elements and likely withheld an inheritance. You aren't a couple and he doesn't meet the threshold for entitlements to your DC's money. I'm assuming it's your DC who the disability benefits are for so none of this money is actually for your ex to spend on "luxuries" or whatever it's going on, it's to be used for your DC, their care and things they need.

Please stop giving him money and tell him if he needs money so bad then he needs to get a job because this is an extremely messy co-parenting set up you have, that likely isnt going to get any better at this rate.

Imo show him your hand now and quash his idea of any court shenanigans right now..

@Mylovemine Do you get on with him? I have suspected he may be ND before but it goes beyond that i'm afraid. He has a parasitic lifestyle that goes past not having a job...he's talked his elderly mother with alzheimers into handing over money. That's nothing to do with ND imo

No I don’t get on with him I have been no contact with him for years. he has a horrible personality but his ND makes him that way. Can’t regulate his tone, gets fixated on finishing a conversation, can’t understand things from others perspectives, can’t manage his money, can’t keep relationships, and so on.

Even if you do have to go to court, he is being hugely helpful by giving you all this evidence in writing! Make sure you screenshot and also back it all up.

You shshouldn'be splitting anything with him, he should be coughing up for her care if she's only going to him 8 days a month, although I realise that probably won't happen if he isn't earning. Tell jim to do one and then go to child maintenance options.

@Eggsboxedandmelting Good idea - re listing the weekly spends on things

@InALonelyWorld ' voted YABU purely for the fact that you have continously split money 50/50 with him even though he wasn't entitled to any of it'
You make a decent point 😅..It is and has been a messy set up for years, up till now i've juggled things but it's become untenable

So he needs to pay back money that he wasn't entitled to and is expecting you to pay back half of it?

Absolutely not. How dare he? Every day on Mumsnet there's another cocklodging inadequate father trying to screw money out of his ex-wife.

Tell him to get lost.

The DLA is your child’s, not his. Don’t split it.

@WingsofRain Yes, and any dodgy conversations we've had i've reiterated back over text so it's all recorded.

@WingsofRain Yeah I looked it up out of curiosity presuming he just got benefits, it was the princely sum of around £7 a month