Wedding drama!!

[Pebblesx]

I was invited to a hen do last weekend. My child was ill and to be honest,

1. don’t like leaving my kids when they’re unwell (I remember being a child & when I was poorly all I wanted was my mum)
2. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself as my other half just isn’t as understanding and if there were any issues, would have left it for me to worry about when I got home
3. i am a bit of a socially awkward person anyway and none of my close friendship were going, so I feel I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself as much as I’d like

i cancelled, yes, it was probably not the right thing to do, but as mentioned above, I had my reasons! a couple days later I got a message from the hen and she basically said she can’t have us come to the day as she can’t risk losing the money and seats etc. fair enough. But she wasn’t honest and i wuld prefer honesty, athough it would have made me feel rubbish, the truth hurts. so she basically rold me were not invited to the day, but the evening. to add to this, i then saw a notofication that i had missed whereby the hen was added to the group chat, uploaded pics of them all, rhen i was immediately removed from the group (by someone else, which shows it was topic of conversation among them!)

the more i think about it, the more it hurts and im questioning my morals. my predicament is - do i leave it, move on and act like norhing has happened, or do i say "thanks but no thanks". people get ill, circumstances change and EVERYONE at some point has had to cancel plans last minute, its life.

i paid for myself and i paid extra for the hen (not everyone did) so the only person that missed out and was inconvenienced is me. i hadnt even met all but 2 of them, so my not being there wouldnt have changed any of their plans or circumatqnces, instead probaby benefited them as they could make use of my food and alcohol package!

am i overthinking this? or is she being unreasonable and they spent time b'tch'ng and plotting to uninvite me?
genuinely curious as i feel like my anxiety is taking over and causing me to doubt myself, but at the same time, im thinking this is petty playground drama and im too old for this rubbish!

She sounds horrible. I wouldn't go to the evening do.xx

Hard agree. Don't give it another moment's thought, and enjoy your relaxing day and evening off social obligations.

I'd tell her to p**s off. Cheeky bitch.
Don't go to the wedding but ask for the extra money you paid back.
Illnesses are part of life.

Are you saying she has now downgraded you from a day, wedding guest to evening only? I find it bizarre she has done this, when she wasn't left short money wise from the hen.

She sounds like a bridezilla and not a real friend! I'd go to the wedding if you really want to, but her attitude shows badly on her- not you. If you speak to her, yes, I'd say something.

Edited as just re read your post. I'd likely pull out now and not bother. I'd say something to her though. If you don't hear from her again, then that is her loss.

Do you have form for last minute cancellation? That's the only reason I can think of where she might have a point, if this is the latest in a long list of pulling out of social events last minute. I'm not sure where the hen/bride hasn't been honest though? And as for removing you from the group chat, well you didn't go. Why would you want to see all their pictures and in jokes from the weekend?

She hasn't behaved well, and this has the hallmarks of bridezilla behaviour.

This said, although your child was ill, it sounds like you were looking for an excuse to pull out (i.e. not knowing many people).

From the bride's perspective, it can be terribly deflating when you lay on an event and people pull out at the last minute.

I would chalk this up to experience and accept that although she's possibly over-reacting, she is hurting.

It does sound like you found an excuse and thought by you paying it'd lessen the blow of a last minute pull out. Kids could have stayed with their dad and if not super poorly, youd have coped as would they. Downgrading invite is incredibly unpleasant but removing you from a hen chat is understandable if you weren't a hen. I would assume that's more protecting your feelings from seeing the photos than to gossip about you but if you think otherwise definitely don't go to the wedding.

You basically didn’t want to go and cancelled last second. That’s really thoughtless unless it’s a real emergency. She’s probably annoyed and thinks you are a flake. I get it I hate hen dos but you could have refused the invite

Your reasons for flaking on the hen do at short notice were crap. Your DP sounds crap but could have looked after your & his DC, feeling socially awkward could have been predicted and you could have declined.

Lots of people remove non attendees from whatsapp groups, the other attendees would have been aware you weren’t going, and removing you isn’t an indicator they were bitching about you.

Bride wasn’t U to be pissed off but is U to have downgraded your invitations, unless you have been flakey in the past.

The bride has to put you into the flaky friend category and doesn’t want to ‘waste’ a day time invite on you.

I can see why she's hurt. Your reason for cancelling was flakey. It comes across like you didn't want to go, saw an excuse and jumped on it. Removing you from the hen group chat is reasonable, you didn't go so you don't need to be in the group. Recinding your invitation was a bit knee jerk but again she's hurt that you couldn't make an effort for her. I would politely decline the invite, send a nice card wishing them all the best and quietly let the friendship fade.

Yes she probably did talk about you on the hen - be honest, is this the first time you have shown what could be described as flakey behaviour and dropped out of plans last minute?

Of course you couldn't avoid your DC being ill. But you did have options and she would have known that.

She doesn't want to pay £100s for you to be a day guest at her wedding and potentially drop out so she has an empty chair and may have had to restrict other guests for budget or capacity reasons. She's probably decided to upgrade another evening guest, who she thinks is more likely to be there.

You can choose to be gracious and attend the evening do, if you see her as a friend and want to celebrate her wedding with her. Or you can choose to see this as a slight and another spanner in the friendship.

On another note - please do ask yourself whether you were choosing to stay home with your ill child because you wanted to/were happy to have the excuse or whether you really don't think your partner was up to looking after his ill DC. That would be concerning.

Yes, I wouldn’t go to the evening do. And don’t send a gift.

You’re other unreasonable. It was crap of you not to attend due to an Ill child who would have been left with their father, she’s entitled to be hurt and angry. However downgrading you is graceless and petty. Don’t go to the evening do.

I wouldn’t go and would not speak to her. I can’t be friends with people who don’t have basic understanding or compassion.

i think it was a bit mean but, this thing does happen at weddings - they are a nightmare to organize. She could have basically told you in a much nicer way. Or rather asked you to double confirm if you were coming. I doubt the hen group weee talking about you - they probably just removed those that were not there as a lot of folk they hate being in WhatsApp groups that get spammed by a million messages. So in essence - the Comms could have been better but I would stop thinking about it now. You’re probably saving yourself from boredom at a service and you can just have fun at the evening :)

I agree with pp. Don't go to the evening do, and don't send a gift.
I think it's the height of rudeness to have these "tiers" of guests and bump people up and down.
Your child was ill, she should have been concerned and sent her good wishes.
She doesn't want you there, but wants a gift.
Don't have any guilt.

This ⬆️

As you paid anyway and put money for her in the pot I'd be upset. How close are you? If immediate family I'd still go to the evening. Actually no I wouldn't. Life is way too short to put up with people like this. Your missing the hen do had no impact on her at all. Stuff her.

Not being able to go on a hen do is a totally different universe than cancelling invite to a wedding ffs.

She's a bitch. Your child was ill. I'm guessing she doesn't have children yet?

I wouldn't go to the wedding.

I've been on a hen where a friend had to drop out for similar reasons. Not only did we all send a nice message, but we also all shared the cost of some of it so she wouldn't be too badly out of pocket. That's what friends do ffs.

It's a bit rubbish that your OH can't step up and parent a poorly child (so a bit of a rubbish reason not to go), but as you had already paid for the hen party then it's not like anyone lost out.

How did you respond to the message? I'd reply asking what she means and make her explain herself fully about not wanting to lose out. Because that's so rude!

As for going to the evening bit, I'm not sure I'd bother if a friend was that rude.

I'd perhaps be apologising for missing the hen do, but a poorly child needed her mum, and perhaps one day if she ever has children she might understand that.

She was angry with you and didn't accept that you had a good reason to miss her hen do. It isn't just about money, or at all in this case since you had already paid, it's about feeling loved and valued.
If you want to salvage the relationship you could tell her that you were very sorry to miss it but couldn't leave your child ill in bed, then see if she reissues the invitation to the main event. But first think whether you wouldn't perhaps prefer just to come in the evening anyway; it might suit you better.

I think the fact you said and put money towards her costs makes her v unreasonable. I would not go to the evening do how bloody rude.
I had 2 people not come to my wedding, they sent a message that morning to say their son was ill. I told them not to worry and hoped he got better soon. Turns out he needed hospital, but even if he didn't these things happen and often with the worst timing.

If you'd left them with your costs that would be different but she's showing who she is.

Wish them well. With an empty card mind...

When you say your child was ill,
What was the illness?its a bit different if they had a bad fever and a rash, or a common cold
Are you a single parent or is your child's care heavily skewed towards you as primary carer? As in, is leaving them with their dad a viable option? My kids are equally comfortable with either parent so if I'd stayed it would have been for me not them if that makes sense