Wedding drama!!

[Pebblesx]

I was invited to a hen do last weekend. My child was ill and to be honest,

1. don’t like leaving my kids when they’re unwell (I remember being a child & when I was poorly all I wanted was my mum)
2. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself as my other half just isn’t as understanding and if there were any issues, would have left it for me to worry about when I got home
3. i am a bit of a socially awkward person anyway and none of my close friendship were going, so I feel I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself as much as I’d like

i cancelled, yes, it was probably not the right thing to do, but as mentioned above, I had my reasons! a couple days later I got a message from the hen and she basically said she can’t have us come to the day as she can’t risk losing the money and seats etc. fair enough. But she wasn’t honest and i wuld prefer honesty, athough it would have made me feel rubbish, the truth hurts. so she basically rold me were not invited to the day, but the evening. to add to this, i then saw a notofication that i had missed whereby the hen was added to the group chat, uploaded pics of them all, rhen i was immediately removed from the group (by someone else, which shows it was topic of conversation among them!)

the more i think about it, the more it hurts and im questioning my morals. my predicament is - do i leave it, move on and act like norhing has happened, or do i say "thanks but no thanks". people get ill, circumstances change and EVERYONE at some point has had to cancel plans last minute, its life.

i paid for myself and i paid extra for the hen (not everyone did) so the only person that missed out and was inconvenienced is me. i hadnt even met all but 2 of them, so my not being there wouldnt have changed any of their plans or circumatqnces, instead probaby benefited them as they could make use of my food and alcohol package!

am i overthinking this? or is she being unreasonable and they spent time b'tch'ng and plotting to uninvite me?
genuinely curious as i feel like my anxiety is taking over and causing me to doubt myself, but at the same time, im thinking this is petty playground drama and im too old for this rubbish!

It’s clear from your OP that you were looking for excuses not to go. Having a useless partner who can’t solo parent effectively makes you high risk for a cancellation so I’m not surprised she’s downgrading you.

Unless your child was very ill/very young and you have no previous form for this you are the flakey friend who lurks on WhatsApp. We all have friends who cancel last minute with repeated excuses and who for some reason think no one can see what they are doing. Not nice to be called out on it but if you have form for not showing up this time might have been the straw that broke the camels back.

I’d be interested to know if OP has a form of cancelling and bride has decided this is the last straw. Cancelling on a hen do because your child has a cold or a bit of a funny tummy imo is unreasonable if their dad is at home. If your child was really unwell to the point they need to see a doctor or go a&e I would say yanbu.

The bride’s reaction seems over the top but maybe if you cancel often she’s thought “I bet she cancels on the day as well and I’m not wasting x amount of money”

Don’t go and return any gift and enjoy your free day and evening to spend with your child

I don't understand why you think a group of women who you largely don't know are bitching about you behind your back because they removed you from a group in which they were sharing pictures from a weekend you did not attend? I really don't think many of them, other than the bride, care whether you were there or not? Tbh, with that comment/speculation you sound like the one seeking out drama.

Also a bit on the fence about your excuse vs. her downgrading you-seems a bit tit for tat and crappy on both sides but one not more out of order than the other, so not really sure you have much to complain about. You've both de-prioritised each other. Seems pretty fair to me. And I can't see how she hasn't been honest with you?

Yes I'm with you here.
Your children have two parents. It wasn't a good reason. If you were a single parent and leaving them with a random babysitter then fair enough.
A lot of people dropped out of my 'big' birthday. Due to logistics it actually cost me less with them not being there! But I was still very upset. I wanted them there because I wanted to feel like I meant something to that person. Not about money- I'm far from well off too! But you were a guest and she valued your presence.

And your DH isn't doing a job (a job he chose!) Properly if he can't parent a sickly child adequately.

I don't think she's wrong to downgrade your invitation to the wedding. You've shown her that you don't really care about her much, or enough to slightly inconvenience yourself. She doesn't want someone who doesn't value her at her wedding.

I am mindful that this may have not been your intention.

I got a message from the hen and she basically said she can’t have us come to the day as she can’t risk losing the money and seats etc. fair enough. But she wasn’t honest and i wuld prefer honesty, athough it would have made me feel rubbish, the truth hurts. so she basically rold me were not invited to the day, but the evening. to add to this

What do you mean she wasn't honest? This sounds like she was honest. She can't risk you pulling out of the wedding at the last minute and still having to pay for you. She told you why and then said you were invited to the evening.

I think you were flaky actually. It sounds like you didn't want to go and just used your chid being ill as an excuse. It depends how ill the child was of course.
But I also think you have bigger problems than this wedding drama if your partner (is he the child's dad?) isn't capable of looking after the child for one evening. That needs to be sorted out.

There's a bit of everything here.

I would only commit to going if it was a very close friend and if I had robust childcare e.g. someone I could trust if my child had the sniffles. That should be your child's father, its ridiculous to use his ineptness as a valid reason for not going and you need to address that. Its not good enough to simply accept he's a bit shit, to the extent that your child doesn't feel sufficiently safe and cared for with them when poorly.

She should have been much much more understanding. However, we don't know if you cancel often or if she's also tired of your useless husband.

Social awkwardness is a ridiculous thing to list as it's not relevant. You committed, you go.

I get why she's bumped you - it'd not about your place being paid for, if everyone made wishy washy excuses on the day there would be no hen. Of course poorly children is legit but social anxiety and a useless husband is not unexpected - you could have foreseen these and planned differently.

The bride was probably miffed because you cancelled last minute with a very lame excuse. Unless your child was very ill, there was a other parent at home who would have been well able to take care of them.

Having said that, the bride’s reaction was over the top, unless you have form for pulling out of things last minute. I can see why you were removed from the hen chat group, you were no longer later of the event. I now wouldn’t go to the wedding at all because it is insulting to be downgraded, better to have been totally in-invited !

This sums it up perfectly
I hate hen dos with a passion and it sounds like you didn’t want to go - fair enough. But in that case just say ‘won’t be at the hen do but looking forward to the wedding’. You have basically made a flaky excuse. The kids would have been fine with their OTHER PARENT. And if they’re not, you have problems which are far bigger than a hen do.

What was the illness? A trip to A&E I wouldn’t say that was unreasonable. A bug or flu, I think it was crap to cancel TBH. I would have at least gone to some of it and then maybe gone home late. Yes you’ve covered your costs but imagine if everyone cancelled even for plausible reasons, she’d end up with a half-full wedding venue.

The photo thing sounds like you’re being paranoid- surely they just wanted to share photos with the people at the actual hen.

That said, if you think the friendship has run its course nothing wrong with politely declining the evening invite.

You were looking for an excuse not to go (I end up doing the same although not for a hen do) - unless your kids were really really unwell then refusing to leave them with their Dad IS a poor excuse, she was offended. She’s now reacting although it’s pretty over the top.

Are you close friends?

I think the phrase that’s often reserved for dating, can also be applied to friendships “you’re just not that into her.”

Unless your DC was hospital-bound, you would have made the effort to go if you’d really wanted to, but you didn’t because she’s just not important enough to you.

The problem is that you’ve already identified you have a crap partner, a decent one would have told you “I’ve got this, you go.” So the likelihood is in the future (when your crap partner leaves you/you decide it would be easier to parent alone) you’re going to need your friends and by that time you may have lost them all with your flakiness.

Beaides being angry at you, I’ll bet the bride is also annoyed at your useless DP and doesn’t fancy paying for his meal etc when he could have stepped up and been the parent and partner that you needed him to be and pushed you to go.

But in short, unless your DC was seriously ill, if you’d cared enough about the bride to be you would have gone, but you didn’t, so you didn’t.

The bride is a bitch, there's no doubting that. However you sound as though you never wanted to go to begin with so not sure why you agreed.

You didn't really want to go. It wasn't great to cancel at the last minute. In future don't accept invitations to stuff you know you don't want to go to. I used to do this but then realised that it was daft. You don't have to like these kind of events and it is OK to politely decline.

Her rescinding your invitation is mean and v stupid. She either likes you enough to want you at her wedding or not. Attendance at the hen should be irrelevant. She doesn't sound like a v close friend so I would just ditch the whole thing. Just send a polite no thanks and wish her well.

i would be offended if I was your husband and I would have insisted you go

bride is out of order and I’d not go to eve do and consider the friendship over

doubt hens are bitching about you , you paid fully and only two have met you so what is there to say about you ?

It depends both on the nature of the illness and age of child I guess. 10 year old with tonsillitis, YABU. 2 year old with flu wanting Mummy YANBU.

Hen dos/weddings make people lose their minds. I have lost two close friends due to these. But also I think you should've gone, unless the illnesses were very serious, they would have been fine, no need to be a martyr.

How flaky are you usually? If you cancel and change plans quite often I can understand why she’s changed your invitation. I have a flaky friend and she uses her kids as an excuse, it’s obvious it’s just an excuse too. Whilst the brides actions sound horrible from your point of view if it happened to my flaky friend I’d think she totally deserved it.
It costs other people time and money and can be stressful when people flake.

I get the feeling that the DH would be wrong no matter what he does anyway. OP was looking for an excuse to back out and this was convenient. It doesn’t mean the DH can’t look after his child

I can't help but feel that you never intended to go and the sick child is just and excuse so YABU. You shouldn't have accepted the invitation in the beginning

Why did you agree to go? It's really clear you didn't want to!

I’m so glad someone else on this thread agrees with me.

The bride might not be a “bitch” - she might be at the end of her teather with OP cancelling and this is the straw that broke, she’s now had second thoughts and doesn’t want the upset of OP not attending her ceremony so she’s decided to change her invite.

At the end of the day if OP’s child was genuinely really unwell and she hasn’t got a history of flaking, then the bride probably did over react.

I think I'm on the fence. I voted YANBU... but that does depend a little... how did you frame it when you cancelled? And is the bride/anyone else aware that you would have been secretly relieved not to attend (either through experience with past events or something you've said about this event)? I have to be honest, as the bride, it would probably niggle that you stayed at home when most people would have gone to the hen (because, on the face of it, there was another parent available to look after your child). A hen do is a one off event, so most friends make a special effort to attend and your reasoning does sound flaky on the face of it (even if there is more nuance re not trusting your DH to look after your child properly - presumably your friend isn't aware of this...).

Unless you have a form for pulling out of things I think she is being very unreasonable and not a friend.
I suspect the only reason you are still being invited to the evening is so you will bring a gift.
Honestly I would be saying no to the wedding and rethinking the friendship.

The Hen was not in Mexico was it?