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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hate MIL

57 replies

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 10:41

What the title says. I initially really liked her but the more I get to know her I just think she's an awful person tbh. She constantly talks about people's weight and how they need to lose weight. Recently we found out her daughter is expecting and she made a comment about how well she was doing losing weight but that she's disappointed that she's regained weight with morning sickness she could only stomach carbs. I can't believe she would talk about her own daughter who is pregnant like that. She looks like a twig and constantly boasts that she has such great self control and that more people should have as well so they wouldn't be fat. She hates all animals, even dogs and cats and took her to the park with my daughter the other day and she said under her breath really loudly what a horrible dog to someone just walking their dog. I was so embarrassed as this is in my community and I personally love cats and dogs. She constantly tells me they are nasty creatures. Shw comes over for a whole weekend and will play with my daughter so I look like th bad guy when I need to discipline her which is somewhat natural but what does my head in is how lazy she is. Her husband and my husband will be working on dIY and she will come and sit down all weekend and not lift a finger, she never offers to make a cup of tea or clean anything. I work full tim and will cook for the entire family and clean after every meal and she won't even offer to help. My husband already knows and agrees with me but he doesn't like confrontation. I feel like she should help out a little more, at least put her plate in the dishwasher after her meals or offer to help make sandwiches? Am I being unreasonable for thinking she should behave a bit better?

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 14/04/2025 10:44

Stop having her in your house, your husband can visit her and bring your kid if he feels the need. Be busy, breezy and unavailable.

SALaw · 14/04/2025 10:49

This is eyeroll territory. She sounds a bit annoying and not someone you’d choose as a pal but roll your eyes behind her back, moan to husband out of earshot and otherwise rub along. It doesn’t HAVE to be a big deal.

2dogsandabudgie · 14/04/2025 10:53

Just let the comments go in one ear and out the other. She isn't going to change. Does she have to visit every weekend and stay? I would just carry on doing my own thing. So if you need to go and do shopping or gardening or whatever then just do it. Your husband will still be there to keep her company.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 14/04/2025 10:55

Be less available.. A whole weekend? Sod that.

5128gap · 14/04/2025 10:55

She should of course behave better, but she won't, so you need to deal with what you have and work with your husband to come up with strategies to limit and neutralise the impact she has on your lives. It's really not good enough for your husband to be hiding behind his dislike of confrontation while his mother hurts other people and becomes a bad influence in your children's lives. He needs to step up and work out how to address it.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 14/04/2025 10:58

Eggsboxedandmelting · 14/04/2025 10:55

Be less available.. A whole weekend? Sod that.

Exactly. I don't have visitors to my house more than once or twice a year and certainly no overnight hosting.

Emoleno · 14/04/2025 11:00

I would hate a guest to clean up and make me tea etc.

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 11:01

I agree but I have a two year old daughter to look after and husband is doing DIY with his dad she always comes along to see DD but yes they will stay for ages like a whole weekend or long weekend. What should I do? Feels horrible to leave her alone with my daughter and I would like some time with my daughter so never know what to do.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 14/04/2025 11:03

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 11:01

I agree but I have a two year old daughter to look after and husband is doing DIY with his dad she always comes along to see DD but yes they will stay for ages like a whole weekend or long weekend. What should I do? Feels horrible to leave her alone with my daughter and I would like some time with my daughter so never know what to do.

As others have said, become very busy.

2dogsandabudgie · 14/04/2025 11:10

How often do they stay for a whole weekend, once a week, once a fortnight, once a month?

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 11:12

A lot more than my mental health can handle almost once a month. It's become a source of constant conflict with husband. We need help getting work done around the house and FIL is very helpful so can't complain too much for free labour. They live an hour away and will sleep over whenever they come visit. I'm at breaking point.

OP posts:
Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 11:12

What do I do about my daughter?

OP posts:
HeySnoodie · 14/04/2025 11:12

Take DD on some day trips so that you’re not about to wait on everyone and can have some fun. Go with a friend. Don’t invite MIL. Go to animal themed places like petting zoos.

HeySnoodie · 14/04/2025 11:13

Return home after supper so you’ve eaten and can just bath DD and put her to bed

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/04/2025 11:14

Hate is a very strong word.

She does sound unpleasant. I do think YABU expecting a visitor to clean, tbh, especially when the other half of the couple is doing DIY for you.

HeySnoodie · 14/04/2025 11:15

Tell mil you’re on a day trip as you’re exhausted from working all week and need a relaxing day with DD away from house responsibilities

HeySnoodie · 14/04/2025 11:17

Or text mil the day before she arrives and ask her to cook the meals as you’re feeling exhausted

OriginalUsername2 · 14/04/2025 11:17

She plays with your DD, so she is making an effort. That’s what you should expect from a grandma. I don’t think she should be expected to do housework in your house!

Peach0123 · 14/04/2025 11:19

Get a dog! Solves 2 problems, you and DD can go lovely walks with the dog and bet MIL won't visit if you have one.

Apart from that really I'd just make sure your DH let her know it's not convenient for her to visit. Why beat around d the bush when she so openly vile about everyone. Nope she wpildnt be welcome in my home, and defo not around an impressionable child.

Caroparo52 · 14/04/2025 11:19

Create some space. You don't have to be drawn into the nastiness

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/04/2025 11:21

She is toxic. I couldn't listen to her hateful words.

Ohnobackagain · 14/04/2025 11:24

@Bitesize89 can’t you go away with your daughter for one night of the weekend they visit? DH can slave after MIL.

Bitesize89 · 14/04/2025 11:27

I forgot to mention I don't have any family in the country as I am an expat so not sure where I would go.

OP posts:
ADayAlwaysHasToEnd · 14/04/2025 11:27

It’s a difficult one. I wouldn’t expect a guest to cook and clean. And you are benefiting by her husband doing DIY for you. You have to weigh up whether the DIY help is worth the amount of visits

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 14/04/2025 11:34

Where do you normally take your child for days out? Museum, library, milkshake, park, zoo, open farm, sea/lake, country walk, friends house, shops?
Just go about your day as normal, you don't need to sit in the house with your husband's mother.