Hate MIL

[Bitesize89]

What the title says. I initially really liked her but the more I get to know her I just think she's an awful person tbh. She constantly talks about people's weight and how they need to lose weight. Recently we found out her daughter is expecting and she made a comment about how well she was doing losing weight but that she's disappointed that she's regained weight with morning sickness she could only stomach carbs. I can't believe she would talk about her own daughter who is pregnant like that. She looks like a twig and constantly boasts that she has such great self control and that more people should have as well so they wouldn't be fat. She hates all animals, even dogs and cats and took her to the park with my daughter the other day and she said under her breath really loudly what a horrible dog to someone just walking their dog. I was so embarrassed as this is in my community and I personally love cats and dogs. She constantly tells me they are nasty creatures. Shw comes over for a whole weekend and will play with my daughter so I look like th bad guy when I need to discipline her which is somewhat natural but what does my head in is how lazy she is. Her husband and my husband will be working on dIY and she will come and sit down all weekend and not lift a finger, she never offers to make a cup of tea or clean anything. I work full tim and will cook for the entire family and clean after every meal and she won't even offer to help. My husband already knows and agrees with me but he doesn't like confrontation. I feel like she should help out a little more, at least put her plate in the dishwasher after her meals or offer to help make sandwiches? Am I being unreasonable for thinking she should behave a bit better?

She’s not a guest. She’s family, and she’s there every weekend. That’s a big difference to me.

She is a guest - she's not there every weekend

Her husband is providing invaluable DIY on your home. That’s worth a lot of money I’m sure.

They come as a package and stay over, presumably to get the job done, maybe once a month you say. While her DH is busy helping, MIL is playing with your DC…a wonderful thing in my opinion. I’d be making the most of that.

You can sort this problem more easily OP, by accepting their help as graciously as you possibly can and for the rest, change things up a bit to suit your own needs better so that it’s not so irritating for you.

Eg. ‘OK MIL, I’m taking DC out now for an hour or two to give you a rest. Please can you just empty the dish washer/make the lunch sandwiches/prep the dinner veg/just cleanup after the boys for me . - I’ve left everything out ready for you in the kitchen, thanks so much as that would really help and won’t take you long.

Eg. After a meal at the table, you say ‘I just need to make a call, can you please all put your dishes in the dish washer and clear down the table please, thanks that would really help and won’t take you each more than two minutes.

Eg, On the night before the morning they are leaving, you say ‘I’m taking DC with me to the supermarket in the morning so when you get up can you just strip your bed please and put the bed linen and towels in the washer for me and then out on the line so that there’s chance to get them dried and aired ready for your next visit, thanks that would really help me out as I have a busy week coming up.
Etc.

“Sorry, we have plans this weekend”

Get your husband to stop doing DIY every weekend and spend some time with his wife and child. Tell your husband you don’t want to host his family every weekend so DIY needs to be limited.

As pp said, get a dog. Maybe adopt an overweight dog, then she's really be put off.
You and your daughter get to take the dog places, hopefully without MIL. She can stay home and tell the men how fat they are.🙄

Go out for the day and leave your husband to it with the kids.

I love this idea!!

Don't be available. When she says she is coming down with FIL, then your DH needs to make her aware that you and DC won't be in. Plan something with friends, or go to the zoo, soft play, anywhere. Or just be available for 1/2 the time she is there. Why are they staying every time they come over?
Good that DH is on your side in terms of your MIL, but he now needs to speak to them. It's ok for him having FIL to help on the DIY, but why should you have to be with someone every weekend you don't want to be with. His mum arriving is not effecting him at all so of course he doesn't want confrontation because he doesn't need to.
How long is this DIY likely to last? You just have to put boundaries in place as to when they can come and for how long

I feel your pain.
Focus on positives, free labour from FIL, on the things you can change and maybe reframe how she is.
She might find self control over food easy if she has a small appetite, does not enjoy food, has digestive issues or be OCD. She may be frightened of dogs. My MIL thought that passing on the message that dogs were to be feared, your house needed to be locked up like Fort Knox and swimming was dangerous was a way of protecting her children then her grandchildren. It took me a lot of discussions with her to not have it happen.
My priority would be asking her to not make any body shaming or fat shaming comments in front of your daughter.
And I love the suggestion of getting a dog!

Grab your coat and dd's.. And off you pop out...

Agree with pp - get a dog! She won't want to come around as much then. She sounds vile btw.

She sounds tactless and annoying but hardly HATE territory.

Plenty of people don't like dogs and cats. And If she has no DIY skills, staying out of it is probably sensible. I'd be grateful she is willing to just sit and not interfere in anything.

As far as your DD is concerned, I'd arrange your activities as normal - go to the park or out for an ice cream and MIL can tag along. If she doesn't like it, she can stay and watch the DIY.

Are the jobs your fil is going genuine, valuable jobs? Or is your dh tinkering in a man cave with his dad ? while you run round after everyone

Is there an option of getting someone in to do these jobs so you have more family time?

What do you say when your mil comments on her daughter?

Sounds like granny can babysit while you pop out to run some emergency "errands" (spa day, anyone..?)

1. Ask her never to mention anyone's weight or body shape in front of your daughter. Be polite but very firm about this. Mention the risks of eating disorders. Repeat and remind as necessary.
2. Ask her not to comment loudly about people in the area. This is your community and your daughter will be at school with these people.

Make plans to go out when she's staying.

Not much else you can do.

Go out with your daughter and leave her with your DH and FIL. She sounds like the very opposite of fun to be with.

Can you arrange to visit your family on the weekends that she visits?

It's your husbands job to host hss family, why is he leaving all cooking AND cleaning up, to you?

Those things are irritating but not awful, in my opinion. My MIL is Indian and makes comments on people's weight. It's her main interest in life! Doesn't bother me. We just laugh at her (gently).

My MIL (who lives with us) no longer gossips or makes comments about people’s weight after I did actually use the MN classic of ‘did you mean to be so rude?’ and told her firmly that it was unacceptable. I also got up and walked out every time she started gossiping.

Is the Gransnet version something along the lines of:-

My weekends are being taking up by my lazy son who can't do any DIY without my husband helping him, I end up sitting in my sons house having to entertain my Grand Daughter while son is out doing his DIY and DIL is always rolling her eyes at me and even grudges making me a cup of tea..... I would much prefer to be doing my own thing at weekends but DH insists on helping.

OP - take your daughter out and get a dog.

Thanks for the good advice, most of the DIY should be done next weekend but after that will be firm with him about not wanting her around as much. They do tend to be over bearing I find. they just invite themselves over and don't think much of it for a whole weekend when they live an hour away. I think k they stay over because mil hates traffic and gets scared of driving back late. Husband says he feels bad telling them they can't stay over when his dad does loads to help out. I think I am going to start requesting they don't stay over politely. They are imposing.

Why can't you tell her to put her plate in the sink etc?

Why don't you call her out about the dog so that she would have to repeat it louder in front of the dog owner?

The only way to get these types of people to realise they're being idiots is to call them out every single time!

He tries to help but he is out busy doing DIY

Well it's her fault if her kids are lazy, she is lazy herself and I strongly believe she is the reason both her kids are damn lazy

Would you consider getting a dog?