Lost all sense of what is acceptable/normal/right. Postpartum and struggling in my marriage.

[Gffs7]

As the title says. Married for 3 years. 2 kids under 2. We're just arguing all the time. Antenatal and PND with both pregnancies- this time around it seems infinitely worse. Not feeling suicidal but finding myself not wanting to exist most of the time. I no longer trust my perception of events, or my standard of what us normal and healthy in our relationship. Some things that he does and has said:

• I sleep on the sofa with the newborn, he sleeps in our room with the toddler. Mainly because my husband gets really grouchy if he hasn't slept. I've slept once in our bed since giving birth 8 weeks ago- this was the night he wanted sex.
• When I mentioned that my back hurt, he told me his back was worse.
• Most mornings he asks how many hours sleep I've had like it's a competition of whose had the worse night
• On weekends, he would prefer to sleep in rather than help me out with the kids and gsve breakfast together.
• I'm triple feeding because of low supply. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, then pumping 6x a day. I also take care of 80% of the toddler's needs even at weekends. A couple of timrs a week he'll feed her food I've prepared, put her to sleep, or take her outside. He refuses to change Nappies anymore.
• I do all the laundry and cooking. He does the grocery shop, a couple of time a week he'll wash the dishes.
• We spend very little time together despise my urging and he seems to think it's my fault. I can't help but fall asleep early with the kids. We don't go out at weekends. Don't watch things together. I'm mostly eating meals alone since he goes out most evenings to see friends or play sports.
• No birthday gifts
• He takes most of my suggestions re the kids as criticisms. For example if I'm holding the baby and the toddler starts crying, I'll suggest we swap since I've meal prepped her meals, have a routine for her taking a nap etc. He's assume I'm suggesting he cannot take care of his children.
• Similarly if I suggest I need more help around the house, or that he could do with being more considerate, he'll take this really personally and accused me attacking him.
• He makes it difficult for me to manage the household and then blames me for things not getting done. For example, toddler needs a new mattress and doesn't have bed sheets- I have mentioned this to him numerous times. I don't have access to his money, and my funds are limited since having the first child. He is averse to sitting down and discussing what the family/household needs, or to make plans for us as a family wrt day trips, holidays etc

There's other stuff but this is what comes to mind. I have a part to play in all of this. I am veey highly strung, struggling a lot with anxiety, have trouble communicating. So I am responsible in part for the less than ideal situation of my marriage. But to what extent, I don't know.

Thanks if you got this far. Please be kind in your responses.

OP this was me too but I agree, I think dropping the pumping might be a starting point, it will give you more time and more sleep I'd assume. I drove myself crazy with it too and my MH improved massively after stopping.

Tell your HV to get stuffed it's none of her business. If you really want to continue then do but pumping is a lot of energy physically and emotionally and I dont think you get much back from it. And if your milk supply drops off is that the worst thing?

Are you on medication for your depression and anxiety? Your husband sounds horrible I'd he stopping doing things for him like cooking or doing his washing. Maybe try some counselling if possible if you want to save the relationship?

You sound in a really hard place right now and can't see up for down.

Firstly, ignore your HV. Some are amazing, some are awful. Putting pressure on you to BF when you are struggling is not helpful - do what you need to do. FF is not the devil.

Secondly, get thee to your doctors, and speak to them honestly how you are struggling. I would trust that they can help with your PND...

... although I suspect the PND will also be helped by a good nights sleep in a proper bed (or at least as good as possible with a young baby), and a husband who does more than the bare minimum.

I hate seeing therapy as the go to response to things on this forum, but perhaps a couples therapist that can help you both communicate your needs to each other may help - if he agrees to it.

Please don't say "he is better then some other men". The man is awful - out socialising every night whilst his child has no bed sheets and his wife sleeps on the sofa.

If you split, it will be hard, but perhaps easier then having to look after and tip toe around this waste of space.

You do not sound like you have communication problems. It is very clear here what you need and you seem very realistic about the situation.

I had PND and nearly went through with suicide. I was sleeping on a sofa bed with the baby. Husband told me to pull myself together and to stop being so lazy. I will never forgive him for the way he treated me at my most vulnerable. We are staying together but living fairly separate lives and once the children are older, we will separate. I can't ever trust or have feelings for him now.

It will get better for you witth the children. You are in the trenches but once the youngest is 3 it will start to improve.

You can do this.