Lost all sense of what is acceptable/normal/right. Postpartum and struggling in my marriage.

[Gffs7]

As the title says. Married for 3 years. 2 kids under 2. We're just arguing all the time. Antenatal and PND with both pregnancies- this time around it seems infinitely worse. Not feeling suicidal but finding myself not wanting to exist most of the time. I no longer trust my perception of events, or my standard of what us normal and healthy in our relationship. Some things that he does and has said:

• I sleep on the sofa with the newborn, he sleeps in our room with the toddler. Mainly because my husband gets really grouchy if he hasn't slept. I've slept once in our bed since giving birth 8 weeks ago- this was the night he wanted sex.
• When I mentioned that my back hurt, he told me his back was worse.
• Most mornings he asks how many hours sleep I've had like it's a competition of whose had the worse night
• On weekends, he would prefer to sleep in rather than help me out with the kids and gsve breakfast together.
• I'm triple feeding because of low supply. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, then pumping 6x a day. I also take care of 80% of the toddler's needs even at weekends. A couple of timrs a week he'll feed her food I've prepared, put her to sleep, or take her outside. He refuses to change Nappies anymore.
• I do all the laundry and cooking. He does the grocery shop, a couple of time a week he'll wash the dishes.
• We spend very little time together despise my urging and he seems to think it's my fault. I can't help but fall asleep early with the kids. We don't go out at weekends. Don't watch things together. I'm mostly eating meals alone since he goes out most evenings to see friends or play sports.
• No birthday gifts
• He takes most of my suggestions re the kids as criticisms. For example if I'm holding the baby and the toddler starts crying, I'll suggest we swap since I've meal prepped her meals, have a routine for her taking a nap etc. He's assume I'm suggesting he cannot take care of his children.
• Similarly if I suggest I need more help around the house, or that he could do with being more considerate, he'll take this really personally and accused me attacking him.
• He makes it difficult for me to manage the household and then blames me for things not getting done. For example, toddler needs a new mattress and doesn't have bed sheets- I have mentioned this to him numerous times. I don't have access to his money, and my funds are limited since having the first child. He is averse to sitting down and discussing what the family/household needs, or to make plans for us as a family wrt day trips, holidays etc

There's other stuff but this is what comes to mind. I have a part to play in all of this. I am veey highly strung, struggling a lot with anxiety, have trouble communicating. So I am responsible in part for the less than ideal situation of my marriage. But to what extent, I don't know.

Thanks if you got this far. Please be kind in your responses.

He sounds awful.

You have just given birth, and you are sleeping on the sofa with a newborn? The guy is completely devoid of empathy, care or love towards you.

This is not normal behaviour on his part of a loving, caring husband. He also sounds emotionally and finally abusive.

Why are you with this man? I would bet your post natal depression would improve vastly without him pulling you down.

Do you have any other support near you?

Am I reading it correctly that you are reliant on him for money and your toddler doesn’t have sheets on the bed because he won’t pay for them? This is financial abuse.

I think it is very common for couples to have a rocky patch after child #2 comes along but I have to say this sounds like he is abusing you. Demanding sex within a few weeks of giving birth, making you sleep on the sofa, withholding money … ugh. You would be better off living alone and receiving regular child support. I am sorry OP. YANBU at all.

You are being abused and it's quite dangerous to sofa sleep with a baby

Please speak to your Health Visitor, you need serious help

Just to clarify:

It's not that he refused to buy the sheets (although he's reused to buy other stuff like a cordless vacuum for example), but just that he's complacent about such things.

He didn't demand sex. He was being extra nice to me that evening. I didn't say no. But it made me feel cheap that was the only time he was insistent I sleep in our room.

@Nanny0gg the baby isn't sleeping on the sofa with me. They're in their own cot.

Are there any positive reasons that make you think that this man is a good long-term partner/father to your children? Make a list and then make a plan.

You are totally unsupported - he’s just living his life as if nothing has changed, still going out in the evenings when you have 2 very young children at home is entirely selfish. When do you get to sleep in? Do you get any time to yourself? And restricting your access to money… so many red flags here.

As someone who drove herself to the edge of exhaustion with pumping, honestly I would just drop it and mix feed from the breast and formula. It’s a massive commitment that you don’t need on top of everything else.

I don’t often advise people to leave relationships, but I think in your position I would be issuing an ultimatum and ending the relationship if things don’t improve immediately.

My milk supply will totally tank without the pumping. And there's so much pressure from HV to BF for as long as possible. It happened with my first when i stopped pumping- baby would fuss at the breast because I had nothing- it was devastating.

You have a toddler, who are demanding at the best of times, and now you have a newborn. Your husband should be bending over backwards to support you, not just practically but emotionally too. Having two very young children is exhausting, and it will and does put a strain on a relationship. You are pulling against each other all the time, and not working together as a team. Have you tried to talk to your husband in a calm manner and explain how overwhelmed you feel, and you need his support? Have you sought support with your PND by talking to your health visitor or GP? I urge you to do this as soon as possible. Your husband is treating you like crap, you are the Mother of his children, the woman who he's supposed to love. At the moment he's showing no empathy, no support, no respect and definitely no love. Would he consider couples counselling? You both need to communicate with each other, in order to help your relationship.

As I was reading your message I was thinking that it sounds like the relationship has run its course. There doesn't sound like there is any care, love and respect to you from your husband.

Then I came to this bit "For example, toddler needs a new mattress and doesn't have bed sheets- I have mentioned this to him numerous times. I don't have access to his money, and my funds are limited since having the first child."

OP that's financial abuse. I think you should speak to your health visitor like a PP suggested. Or if your health visitor is not supportive or someone you feel you can talk to, your GP or someone like Women's Aid.

do you not have access to another bed?

if you don’t have funds to pay for another bed/mattress and you have to sleep
onnthe sofa as a result that’s really awful.

i’m so sorry to hear this.

it does sound like both that he is financially abusing you and that you are running yourself ragged doing everything.

I get it, I went through the same feelings, but looking back on it I really sacrificed my health and mental health to give a few more months of breast milk, I’m not entirely sure it was worth it. I also felt under huge pressure to breast feed, but in the end I had to give myself permission to stop after feeling that I had given all I could at that point.

I know it’s not the main point of your post, but you just sound so exhausted - this might just be one thing that you can do for yourself. You have already given your baby the best start.

Do you have parents or family you can stay with for some short-term support?

May help you get on top of the exhaustion/breastfeeding issues etc, then you can deal with the dickhead later.

Sounds rough 😕

Yeah sorry nothing to add except this man sounds awful.

Has he always been this awful?

Yes if you have any family OP please go stay with them and get some support while you think through how to leave. You can't recover from depression while being treated like shit. Your post really upset me to read- I really hope you can get help ASAP. Sending hugs

I had 4 DC ,I didn't produce any milk ,they all had to be bottle fed ,they are all in their 20s and being bottle fed didn't effect them .
Fed is best .
He's not going yo help you
You need to help yourself
Stop pumping,if the milk dries up,use formula.
Get the cot in the bedroom,and move yourself back in there as well.
He can sleep on the couch if he's not happy
Toddler back in her bed .
You need access to the join account, assuming there is one .
Or access to family money
Which is what his money is ,it's family money .
Currently he's being abusive,things need to change ,or you need to leave .
I don't think from what you have said ,that he's going to change ,sadly

You are being abused financially and I expect in other ways too. Can you seek support from family? https://www.zawn.net/blog/your-postpartum-depression-is-probably-your-male-partners-fault

Do what’s right for you not what a bloody HV tells you to do. Do you have support in real life?

Absolutely fed us best.

2 DS bottle fed. All strong and healthy. You do what works best for the whole family. Like pp said: fed is best.

Does he work? What is his job?

You need to give up the pumping, this is absolutely making pnd worse.

you probably need to give up the husband too cos frankly you’re single parenting anyways and he seems horrible- super nice to you so he could manipulate you into sex. The fact you didn’t refuse doesn’t mean he didn’t coerce, the fact you felt cheap after is your body telling you everything you need to know.

i really feel for you. This sounds like hell. Are you on any anti depressants?

Fed is best. It’s likely that the enormous stress you are under is impacting your supply, which becomes a vicious cycle. Since your DP isn’t going to step up and help, stop the BF, switch to formula and release at least that stress from your life.
Speak to your HV so she’s aware of how bad your situation is (it’s very bad for you and both children). She may be able to help you move on from your abuser.

Triple feeding with really good support is super hard, triple feeding with no support and a toddler and you doing all the work is exhausting. Not the point of the thread but have you seen an IBCLC with support to get out of the triple feeding? Fuck the HV, they don’t have to live the hell! Breast is best but I was also someone who had PND and triple fed and I completely broke. My husband was and is incredible and it was almost too much. I appreciate not the point of the thread.

Do you not have another bedroom? Is the sofa the only option? Do you have family nearby?

I say this very rarely but LTB. You deserve compassion not a dickhead husband

This, 100%.
My ex was like this.
It is no wonder you're in z bad state mentally. Living with a narcissist can do that to you, especially the blaming everything on you.

My DS couldn’t latch on so I pumped what felt like continuously. When I gave myself a talking to and switched to formula life was much easier. This was with a supportive DH and no toddler. Please put baby on formula, as many other pp have said fed is best. Do you have any family support to help you?