Lost all sense of what is acceptable/normal/right. Postpartum and struggling in my marriage.

[Gffs7]

As the title says. Married for 3 years. 2 kids under 2. We're just arguing all the time. Antenatal and PND with both pregnancies- this time around it seems infinitely worse. Not feeling suicidal but finding myself not wanting to exist most of the time. I no longer trust my perception of events, or my standard of what us normal and healthy in our relationship. Some things that he does and has said:

• I sleep on the sofa with the newborn, he sleeps in our room with the toddler. Mainly because my husband gets really grouchy if he hasn't slept. I've slept once in our bed since giving birth 8 weeks ago- this was the night he wanted sex.
• When I mentioned that my back hurt, he told me his back was worse.
• Most mornings he asks how many hours sleep I've had like it's a competition of whose had the worse night
• On weekends, he would prefer to sleep in rather than help me out with the kids and gsve breakfast together.
• I'm triple feeding because of low supply. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, then pumping 6x a day. I also take care of 80% of the toddler's needs even at weekends. A couple of timrs a week he'll feed her food I've prepared, put her to sleep, or take her outside. He refuses to change Nappies anymore.
• I do all the laundry and cooking. He does the grocery shop, a couple of time a week he'll wash the dishes.
• We spend very little time together despise my urging and he seems to think it's my fault. I can't help but fall asleep early with the kids. We don't go out at weekends. Don't watch things together. I'm mostly eating meals alone since he goes out most evenings to see friends or play sports.
• No birthday gifts
• He takes most of my suggestions re the kids as criticisms. For example if I'm holding the baby and the toddler starts crying, I'll suggest we swap since I've meal prepped her meals, have a routine for her taking a nap etc. He's assume I'm suggesting he cannot take care of his children.
• Similarly if I suggest I need more help around the house, or that he could do with being more considerate, he'll take this really personally and accused me attacking him.
• He makes it difficult for me to manage the household and then blames me for things not getting done. For example, toddler needs a new mattress and doesn't have bed sheets- I have mentioned this to him numerous times. I don't have access to his money, and my funds are limited since having the first child. He is averse to sitting down and discussing what the family/household needs, or to make plans for us as a family wrt day trips, holidays etc

There's other stuff but this is what comes to mind. I have a part to play in all of this. I am veey highly strung, struggling a lot with anxiety, have trouble communicating. So I am responsible in part for the less than ideal situation of my marriage. But to what extent, I don't know.

Thanks if you got this far. Please be kind in your responses.

It's a very hard time on a relationship with a baby and toddler and everything feels like a competition about who has the worst time/less sleep etc.

What you have described though is not normal. You are both parents so it shouldn't be a case of you not having money, it should be split proportionately.

He sounds like he has just carried on living his own life and forgetting he is an equal parent of both children.

I wouldn't feel guilty about giving on breastfeeding if it's adding a lot of extra stress. I had to pump with 2 out of 3 of mine and it was really, really hard work. I question whether it was worth it.

I hope you manage to get somewhere with your situation.

Many thanks for all your responses.

Regarding the breastfeeding-I'm not ready for give it up yet, but I appreciate my decision tocontinue is illogical.

I have a couple of family members I see. But they're caring for someone who is incredibly ill at the moment so I cannot lean on them too much.

This sounds awful. Was it planned? Why don’t you have access to money?

If you're not working because you're looking after his children, you need a joint account at the very least.

If he thinks family things should come out of your funds and it's too bad if you've got none - or even implies this, or allows it to be the case - he's financially abusive.

He sounds like a vile man. They really show themselves at this stage of family life and in all my years on Mumsnet I've never once read of one of these truly changing.

It's not illogical OP- it's hard, but it is the best thing for your baby, and it would be doable if he wasn't an abusive prick was supportive.

OP if you want to continue breastfeeding but for it to not be as shit as it is now, you might need to see an IBCLC and see if you can find out why your supply is so low. It may be that it can't be improved but a lot of HV aren't feeding specialists and can't really advise properly.

It's so shite that women are so keen to tell other women to stop breastfeeding. I have no idea why people think this is acceptable.

There's nothing 'illogical' about wanting to continue breastfeeding even when it's tough. It obviously means something to you, and that's ok.

He is abusive if he thinks it acceptable for a new mum to be sleeping on sofa. I cannot believe you are just accepting that.

No this is absolutely not normal. Making your wife who gave birth eight weeks ago sleep on the sofa, not changing nappies…absolutely ridiculous. Honestly I’d throw him out on his ear. You’re already a single mother, might as well get your bed back.

You are sleeping on the couch as a new mother??? He compares his sleep to yours and says his back is worse??

This is insane. He should be bending over backwards to try and make life a little easier for you, despite it not exactly being a cakewalk for him, because pregnancy and childbirth!

Your husband is vile. This is no way to treat a new mother. It’s not even safe to have a newborn on a sofa, but that he thinks it’s ok to have you, someone who has just given birth, sleeping on the sofa each night so that he can take the bed is vile.

This man is so selfish, he is using your vulnerable state to twist it and make himself out to be the victim. He is using DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) all the way.

Do whatever you can to leave him.

And as a married couple you should have access to “his” money.

We have had a fairly big argument and the result is that I am not entirely convinced he is to blame?

He's the sole breadwinner. He helps out with the babies albeit not much but it's much more than other husbands. He doesn't pressure me to cook or clean (I do it because I like to have my house tidy, and I prefer to eat at home rather than eat takeaways too frequently). I can see he's trying his best. We're just at logger heads over our expectations of one another, and we cannot seem to communicate at all. It's really rough.

I'm not wondering how unreasonable I've been expecting to spend time with him for a coffee, or to receive a birthday gift from him. His insinuation is that I am hard to love/show affection because I'm so highly strung and moody. I think there is truth in this.

I just hate who I have because since getting married/starting a family. I was so much stoic before. I'm an emotional wreck all over the time and I just can't cope.

Sorry for ranting and thanks if you're reading this. Not sure why I'm even posting.

OP I'm concerned that after the argument you've come away thinking that it's your fault. Just to quote a few things that you wrote in your original post back to you below. What would your advice be to a friend or loved on that told you this?

"I've slept once in our bed since giving birth 8 weeks ago- this was the night he wanted sex."

"On weekends, he would prefer to sleep in rather than help me out with the kids and gsve breakfast together."

"We spend very little time together despise my urging and he seems to think it's my fault."

"I'm mostly eating meals alone since he goes out most evenings to see friends or play sports."

"if I suggest I need more help around the house, or that he could do with being more considerate, he'll take this really personally and accused me attacking him."

"He makes it difficult for me to manage the household and then blames me for things not getting done."

"I don't have access to his money, and my funds are limited since having the first child."

Please get help with your MH, make an appointment to talk to your GP or your health visitor, whoever you feel more comfortable talking to. The feeling like you don't want to exist, the feeling that you're an emotional wreck, the feeling that you can't cope are all signs that you need help. Things can get better but you need support.

Honestly - I was a big advocate for breastfeeding but you’ve done your bit and if that one thing can be removed from the very long list of things exhausting you, I say you stop now. Your husband is a bigger issue but do that one thing to be kind to yourself.

@Gffs7much more than what other husbands?! Useless ones? So that’s the bar is it?! Many many men help out loads. Move yourself back into the bed and it’s up to him if he stays or sleeps elsewhere. Add sheets to the next shopping and get that sorted NOW. You have a list in your post of issues - resolve the ones easily capable of resolving now. You don’t need his permission.

I'm really sorry that you're going through all this. It sounds absolutely hellish. But I think you're not helping yourself by failing to realize just how badly your husband is behaving. Perhaps the thought of splitting up is just unbearable, but you really do deserve better.
And I really think you should consider giving up pumping and breast-feeding. It's not magic, it's just food, and is absolutely exhausting if supply isn't good or if you're struggling because of all the energy commitments elsewhere.

"his best" is a pile of gaslighting shit - your standards for him are way too low.

Speak to your HV and get -
Referred to the Perinatal MH Team
Referred to an Infant Feeding team if your Trust has one

I do suspect though as others have said that the probable cure to most of your problems is ditching the crap husband - you're an "emotional wreck" because he is being such a prick to you!! Does he ever consider that people are generally much less "moody" when they have support and nice people around them?

Honestly, how much of a dick he is is making me angry on your behalf!

He’s not trying his best, he’s brainwashing you.

Talk to your family. Even caring for a very sick person try to find one person you can tell.

He’s manipulating everything and using the fact that you are not getting outside perspectives so he can pretend he is presenting a vaguely reasonable argument.

He isn’t. He’s brainwashing you.
Please tell someone in real life what he’s saying to you so that you can discuss it and get support.

Don’t let this man’s gaslighting convince you that you are to blame, you are not.

He has you sleeping on the sofa. He’s scum.

It sounds like you’ve come away from this chat having been manipulated by him to think that he’s a good parent/partner and you’re the problem. Please think critically about what he’s said to you. Ask yourself the following questions. How do you know he helps more than other husbands? Who are these husbands? Doesn’t he recognise that not cooking or cleaning does put pressure on you to be the one to do it, even if he’s not explicitly saying that? What makes you think this is the best he can offer? Even if you were moody why doesn’t he consider that may be because you’ve got an unsupportive partner who isn’t sharing the load? How does your mood and lack of affection relate to him not helping you more, is his help conditional?

Please if you can, stop putting pressure on yourself

If you bottle feed your baby they will be perfectly fine and you won't be wearing yourself out. And the HV can mind their own business there

Glad to see I misunderstood about the sleeping arrangements

But I still think you're being abused.

Your update is hard to read. Sweetheart, you are not at fault in any way. Your hopes and expectations of your husband are completely fair and realistic. You should not be having to sleep on the sofa. He should be doing everything he can to help you. He does nothing for you, or the kids. He is a selfish prick and he’s trying to convince you it’s your own fault. Please know your own worth. You do not deserve this shoddy treatment.

His insinuation is that I am hard to love/show affection because I'm so highly strung and moody. I think there is truth in this.
I just hate who I have because since getting married/starting a family.

If you were fine before he got his hooks into you then you can bet your last penny you will be fine once he leaves. He is financially and mentally abusing you which is why you are like this. It is well known that abuse can start with pregnancy/birth even if it didn't seem to exist before.

Speak to your HV regarding PPD, speak to your GP for counselling for yourself, and speak to Women's Aid regarding the abuse. You are drowning and asking the shark (him) for help - ask others instead.

You lost me at sleeping on the sofa. My husband would never have let me sleep on the sofa when I’d just given birth. Actually, scrap that, he wouldn’t let me sleep on the sofa now, and I last have birth nine years ago. He sounds like a complete prick.

I'm sure your anxiety and MH issues will be far easier to manage if you give separate.
He's not "doing his best"

He sounds really awful. So much wrong here but in the interim really consider just FF. pumping and being a constant pacifier will be contributing to your MH. He needs to be supporting you not making your life harder.
do you have friends or family who can help in any way?