To think DH is being a total obstructive misery

[MintSausage]

House needs redecorating. It’s been like this for years. DH works very long hours, and has done a couple of big jobs but it takes a full weekend. Part of the problem is that he is so overly precise about everything, can’t find the stuff he needs, spends ages on YouTube looking at ‘how to videos’ and is easily distracted.

I’m trying to also get jobs done, but every step of the way is a nightmare. His immediate reaction is to comment negatively on whatever I am doing. I put the sander back in the garage yesterday intending to use it this morning. He’d gone out after I’d done that and brought it into the house, saying it’ll get damp in the garage. It’s good weather at the moment! I am not stupid.

Everything he is commenting on, complaining about and he is absolutely driving me nuts. I prefer it when he is at work and I can just get on.

I’ve spent about two weeks trying samples of paint colours, and he has had a problem with every f*ing thing I try.

And then he’s done f.all this weekend except watch football, listen to the radio, complain and stomp about. No DIY from him at all, just moaning at whatever I’ve done.

Don’t ask him for his opinion! Just do it based on what you like/want to do.

(Or pay someone else to do it!)

If he's working long hours during the week, it's difficult to begrudge him a bit of downtime watching the football. I'd get someone in to do it if you can afford it or do it yourself. Even if he complains, it's only a bit of short-term pain for long-term gain!

Have you thought of couple counselling? If he won't entertain that, how about going to your GP and asking for CBT? It's a useful tool for deciding what your current problems are, what, realistically, your options are and, if you choose a particular one, what the consequences might be.

Hire someone to do the work and tell your DH to stop being such a misery.

Just hire a decorator. I couldn't be arsed with the nagging or the nitpicking, so I'd just pay someone to do it properly. My view is, I don't enjoy some jobs in the house, and I work hard enough for my money, so I can outsource things I don't really want to do.

This. Are you also doing the home/DIY stuff around work or are you home more?

Don't ask his opinion, just do it. If he doesn't like it he can paint over it.

Wear big headphones playing your favourite music or podcast so you can't hear him whingeing.

If he doesn't like the way you've done something, tell him he's free to re-do it the way he wants once you've finished.

In a similar situation I hired someone.

i did give him six months to do it first.

Hmmm, sounds like my partner has a twin out there.... solidarity!

Yeah, that's just how to do things in a relationship!

It's hard if you need to have downtime at the weekend.

Tell him to stomp about, complain and moan in a different room, that you don't want to hear it.

Are you sharing the DIY work with him?

My DH is like this. Jobs take months (or even years on the odd occasion).

Stop asking his opinion if all he does is throw obstacles in the way. Either do it yourself or bring in a decorator.

I'd just get on with things. If he won't make a decision, you make one and carry on. He can either whinge about it or get involved.

The problem with a lot of perfectionists is nothing ever gets done, especially if it’s paired with adhd etc
It’s frustrating. I’ll stick to my bodge jobs 🤣

I work part time/manage the children, but have a few weeks off at the moment. Yes, I do think he needs down time. But if he could at least try to stop being such a misery.

I am going to ignore and just do it.
We are trying to do everything as cheaply as possible. There are a few big jobs where we will need trades.

He dislikes trades too though, and the whole hassle/negotiation will be done by me - plus he won’t contact any himself.

We don’t have time to get the DIY done, so I can’t see him visiting or cooperating in finding a counsellor.
It’s like I’m trying to get things done, and the whole time he puts in obstructions. I don’t know why he feels the need to be such a pain in the arse.

He is a total perfectionist.

I just need to vent. So the sander is old, cheap. I noticed a couple of the screws you use to hold the sandpaper have lost their washer yesterday. It’s a very, very tiny coil, not even a proper washer.

He is now booming about - where are the washers?? We need them! They hold the screws in place!
The sander worked fine without them yesterday.
His answer now is to research, carefully measure washer size, go to screw fix etc etc. Which takes an hour of moaning, research, off to the shops.

It’s beyond ridiculous. It’s like this ALL the f@@king time.

I’m just trying to zone him out, but if I try and use the sander now he’ll be grabbing it out my hand.

The only answer for your sanity is to LTB.

Just ignore him and do it yourself. When the moaning starts it's essential to not engage.

Headphones in, crack on.

At the end of day it is a layer of paint. If he whinges, invite him to paint over it when he can make the effort, until then you are happy with what you have done.

For those bigger jobs get in 3 quotes.

He is not the first man to feel emasculated by getting a professional in and not confident or happy to procrastinate or resentful of his free time being spent on the house.

Carry on as you want until he is motivated to pull his weight. Can you put headphones on?

I’ve got one of these too. The over perfectionist husband - not the sander! Sympathies, I have been lucky in that on the whole he has agreed to use trades people for bigger stuff without too much strife. Fixing a wobbly outside step has been top of his to do list for several months now, I’m worried his mum in her late 80s is going to fall on it

Leave him, he sounds like a controlling arse and a miserable git. Imagine 20 years or whatever, retired, kids flown. Spending all day everyday with him 😂

I have a husband who is shit at DIY and contacting trades but he is more than happy to pay. So I organise and he pays. Your husband is making everything a problem and offering no solutions.

He's got no right to snatch things away from you. He can't dictate what you are allowed to use and when. Why is he sole commander of when and how DIY happens?! He sounds like an absolute dick. I'm a perfectionist with diagnosed OCD and I don't turn into a total prick and prevent DH from having an equal say in what we do around the house.