To be annoyed my husband told his work colleagues about my operation

[WHYohwhy12]

Basically I had to go in and have an op. I get he had to tell his manager why but then proceeded to set up a group chat and tell others about me. He's also told everyone the worst case scenario. I only know cos a cake came from them which I thought was weird. Even then he's says it's probably an Easter gift (they've never done that before in fact I've hardly met them) I then said has his manager told them as he isn't allowed. In the end my husband showed me the group chat where he told them. He said he had to tell them in case they wondered where he was.
The kicker is he hasn't told his family and said he doesn't want to.
I haven't even told some of my family but these randoms know. He also said when we found out about my op that he wouldn't tell work cos gossip goes through like wild fire. His boss is already trying to find out where it was. When I called in sick for my work I made a point of saying they aren't allowed to tell my colleagues. He thinks I'm being ridiculous as he wouldn't care if it was him

I'm not sure really. I work in a lovely place and know lots of details about colleagues partners and families. I think they just like to offload what they are worried about. Health issues, kids struggling at school. That kind of thing.

If you asked him not to tell anyone it's a bit weird to then set up a group chat though.

Doesn’t matter on the op. If she didn’t want randoms not to know then it’s her right isn’t it.

Context is everything. It depends what the op is. (As a pp said, is it a massive boil or growth being removed from your vulva? Or are you having your appendix or wisdom teeth out?) Although it is odd for him to discuss it over a WhatsApp group. So YANBU,

My DH is a bit of a gossip and can't keep his mouth shut and he loves a bit of drama, so I am careful with what I tell him. And I never tell him other peoples secrets or personal information, as I know he will blab. And he has been known to bleat my private information to people at work.

This one thing I didn't know about til one of them saw me in the street and mentioned it. One time (when I was in my late 20s,) I got very drunk after mixing my drinks, and was violently sick and really ill the next day. DH saw fit to share this with colleagues, and I was labelled a massive pisshead, a lush, and a drinken slob 'jokingly' when they saw me next, and they were asking where my drip was that was feeding the alcohol into my veins.

I hadn't drunk booze for about 4 months at the time, and had only had about 6 drinks, and as I said I mixed them, so was very ill. I don't know what DH said to them but you would have thought I was Oliver Reed or George Best! I was really angry with him, and refused to drink when I was out with him for a year or more after that. And I also refused to go to any of his work dos, because the next one I went to after my vomming fit, his workmates took the piss all night. I could have killed him! So I do get where you're coming from @WHYohwhy12 Your partner has no business spilling personal and sensitive information to anyone, let alone his work colleagues!

Well that's what I thought! Body autonomy is a think isn't it? And the fact that he heard me tell me manager when I called in sick. I also told him that I didn't want people to know. And body autonomy is personal in that some people might not care is it's their body but it's mine not his. Actually if I was having a hysterectomy (which I'm not) I'm not sure why that's more important to know? I would think that's more private. But that's if it's my body. It's up to other people what they want randoms to know about their body

From your update I would venture to say that he said that to get the attention from colleagues through your surgery.

He has not mentioned it to family and you had to go back to your usual chores the following day.

very inconsiderate

I don’t really get the issue. I had a big cancer operation last year. 4 days in hospital and 6 weeks recovery at home when I couldn’t drive or do a whole lot. All dh’s employees knew. I mean, I doubt he told them the detailed specifics, but they certainly knew I was in hospital and knew I had cancer. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Some of our family didn’t even know because Dh sees his staff more than either of us talk to family. I personally don’t really care. Nothing shameful about having an operation. He may very well be a jerk, but that sounds like a bigger issue. I think this is a common thing that comes up in conversation. I certainly knew when my line manager’s Dh was having a mental breakdown and out of work.

If he’d just told a close colleague then I could probably understand it but to put it on a group WhatsApp? That’s weird and I’d be pissed off too.
He could have just said you were having an op. There was absolutely no need to elaborate and share your medical information.

I guess the more detailed questions might be for the boss to work out how serious the op actually is and therefore how long your OH might potentially be out on compassionate leave?

if he had told his boss for example that you were having exploratory surgery and cancer was a possibility, there’s a huge difference in seriousness and likely outcomes between having a dodgy mole removed and possibly having ovarian or pancreatic cancer. So given that your OH had told part of the story to his boss, the clarifying questions could make sense. Setting up a what’s app group and telling all his colleagues though is a very odd thing for him to do!

Op i think you are over reacting.
Men can be a nightmare for bottling things up and it's good for MH to talk. And have people to lean on.

Work mates can be great people to bounce of off because they are a step removed from the situation and aren't going to bump into you. So don't need to act like they don't know.

I have a group chat with my team to talk outside office hours in emergencies.

We do share if a partner or child has an illness/needs an OP as it may effect work. It could be anything from leaving early/arriving late to taking an emergency day off.

But - I wouldn't share any details nor do I expect any details of my colleague's family illness. A "DH has an OP, I need to stay at home the next day as he can't be on his own" is fine.

Telling family - I may tell them if I have a cold but they don't know of my mental health struggle, my depression, my procedures for a shoulder injury. It doesn't affect them, so I don't share.

Not on.

Setting up a group chat is weird. Is he a bit of a drama queen?

An attention-seeking one by the sound of it!

What’s weird is that he told some of the info but not everything se eg they know where the op is. I imagine it’s like @WHYohwhy12 is having a tumour removed. It might a really quick spreading cancer wo telling them if it’s breast cancer, a melanoma or whatever.
(Hope I’m getting that right).
which means now he has invited curiosity and is ending up with more questions. It nearly feels like he wanted the attention to be on him rather than on you….
which would, very unfortunately, fit his behaviour at h9me too. Wtf he went to bed ‘because he was tired’ agd left you deal with the cake, presents etc… fur his dc’s birthday!!!

I’d be livid. You have the right to have your information kept private.

If a colleague did this about his wife, I’d find it incredibly attention and sympathy seeking on his part. If someone was genuinely doing it for support, I’d expect them to share it with a couple of key people they were close to at work, and not set up a group chat.

Are they one of those ‘were all a big family’ teams? They’re the worst

Totally get where you are coming from. I am an animal that likes to hide away and lick my wounds. Have had major surgery in the past and told only my dh and my Mum. Mum then told everyone, neighbours, siblings, cousins etc. My dsil even posted about it on Facebook. The next time I had major surgery only my dh knew. Just don't need/want the sad faces and sympathy or the added guilt of upsetting others. We are all different and he should have respected your wishes. It sounds like he quite liked the added attention he got from your op or I maybe being unkind and he was worried and needed the support.

What headspace, the one that made him go to bed and left his wife to do all the work?

may he has not told his family because that would be a phone call, but in the office it’s chat. I would take comfort that he had a support network while you was ill

It looks like he hasn't listened as you didn’t want people to know. It’s hard to know if he needed to offload, is he worried about you or did he overshare. Telling work needs to be done sometimes but some people like drama/attention if that’s the case he wasn’t thinking of how you would feel.

I cannot give a shiny shit about how a man managed his internal stress about his wife’s operation when he’s also gone off and left the woman recovering from an op to do the chores and party prep and baking the next day. It’s a really simple rule: first, be a decent person. Second, I’ll care about how you’re going. (Yes obviously sometimes 1 is closely linked to 2- not here though)

Work colleagues can be a huge emotional support to some people. I don't understand why you are making him keep this a secret.

Why she can't be that unwell of she'd be sending him out to get a cake from Asda like most of us do.

We all have different ways of coping.

Men are being encouraged to open up. The biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK is suicide 😔

Male industries are encouraging people to ask if they see a colleague who's down, what's up. Courses on how to start the conversation. Mates in Mind and all that stuff.

It’s the group chat that I would fine weird. I can’t quite imagine one of my work colleagues adding me to a chat about their partner’s operation. Incredibly unprofessional.

Tell your work colleagues he’s impotent, or getting tested for it, he won’t share your personal details again