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AIBU?

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Original poster

fake confession...... am at a lost how to advice dd

85 replies

CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 06:30

Personally I always just kept to myself in high school so I have little clue how to advice dd moving forward. So dd (16) has been friendly with a girl in her grade via social media since last year and the girl had always been nice to her, like encouraging her and helping her. The girl is very popular and while my dd has friends, she's not like "in the clique". Because of being friendly with the girl, dd had started to interact with her friends too, and one of them seems to be particularly manipulative.

The manipulative friend texted my dd saying how the girl likes dd romantically and dd was skeptical at first but the friend gave all these details about how the girl is scared dd won't want to kiss her, etc. Dd kind of bought into it and texted the girl about it, and she brushed it off. The friend then said the girl was just nervous. Dd probed the girl one more time and the girl faked a confession, and dd thought it was real because she really trusted the girl. The girl kept probing her and dd got the impression from their group that "dating" within their group means being besties for a while so she eventually said yes for the girl to shut it down.

The friend, however, still continued and their group would call out the girl's name when dd walked past them at lunch. Dd decided to probe with the friend one last time in case she hurt the girl and got a dismissive response saying that she doesn't remember. dd then unadded her and the friend messaged her on another platform saying things like "why did you unadd me I'm in tears". Dd ignored her. She has not heard from the girl since the fake confession.

Dd is pretty much done with the friend but she is conflicted about the girl and also their group. The group sometimes interact with dd and dd has a lot of fun as she is very playful and energetic.

What would you advise her? Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 08:37

arcticpandas · 12/04/2025 08:22

They are not her friends !!! She was groomed into thinking that so that they could take the piss afterwards laughing at how naïve she is. Tell her to ONLY interact online with friends she sees irl to start with. She seems vulnerable and insecure and should stay away from popular girls who most often than not are mean girls.

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she sees them irl so kind of hard to distinguish but I get what you mean

OP posts:
Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 08:41

MissDoubleU · 12/04/2025 08:24

Is it possible your DD maybe does like this girl. Or at least did? If she was entertaining the idea of them being a “thing.” It’s unlikely your DD thought it meant just being “besties”

Either way, it’s all very Mean Girls and I would advise watching this with your daughter.

I highly encourage your daughter to go back to school and sarcastically say “Must be because I have a biiiig lesbian crush on you!” And laugh heartily back at them.

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Dd never thought of the girl that way before the "friends" kept saying it and she didn't want to kiss her she just wanted to be like besties like really. She thought that because people from the group have pretended to date each other for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 08:42

FiveTreeHill · 12/04/2025 08:29

I'm a bit confused and as to who has done what. Does your DD actually fancy this girl and want to date her? Does your DD have SN? Why does she not understand what dating means at 16?

Either way these girls are bullying your DD. They are pretending she is their friend and then mocking her. If girl 1 was your DDs friend she would have immediately shut this down with your DD

Your DD sounds incredibly naive and a bit unsociable aware, this is exactly the type of girl the popular girls will bully and pull this technique on. Although I think 16 is a bit old for this it's a bullying technique used since the beginning of time

No my dd doesn't actually fancy the girl and she has asd. She thinks that there are different kinds of dating like you can be like seriously engaged but could also be just a fling/

OP posts:
Riaanna · 12/04/2025 08:48

CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 06:56

Dd really trusted the girl and thought she was nice so I don't want her to lose that

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She has lost it. Your daughter has done the right thing by cutting them off. Let it die.

SussexLass87 · 12/04/2025 08:49

Yes your DD should be able to trust people, but that's not how the world works. You should be teaching her to respect herself, to find proper friends (not one's who treat her as "entertainment") and to be savvy in social media.

If it had been a boy who was harassing her into dating him would you be so blasé?

SussexLass87 · 12/04/2025 08:51

CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 08:42

No my dd doesn't actually fancy the girl and she has asd. She thinks that there are different kinds of dating like you can be like seriously engaged but could also be just a fling/

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Don't you think it would have been a good idea to mention that your daughter has SEN?

My children are ND and they need a lot of support in social interactions, I think you've been really quite negligent in exposing your DD to these confusing and overwhelming social dynamics.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/04/2025 08:51

I'd be telling my daughter to stay away from them. It doesn't matter if she likes interacting with them, they've shown they like to make fun of her

I'd also be talking about her reaction to it. Unless someone tells you themselves that they like you, when they're sober, AND their actions back this up, AND you like them too, I think it's best to ignore or even distance yourself from this person. She should not really be repeatedly probing someone to find out their feelings about her, or anyone, if the person hasn't brought it up themselves. It sounded like she pushed so hard that the original friend didn't want to admit her mates made it up so she just said yeah to make it go away. And it also sounded like your daughter agreed to something that she wasn't comfortable with or sure about just to please her friend, which is also really unhealthy. I'm not victim blaming, what these girls did was wrong and unfair on your daughter, but your daughters reaction is a bit worrying

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 08:56

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/04/2025 08:51

I'd be telling my daughter to stay away from them. It doesn't matter if she likes interacting with them, they've shown they like to make fun of her

I'd also be talking about her reaction to it. Unless someone tells you themselves that they like you, when they're sober, AND their actions back this up, AND you like them too, I think it's best to ignore or even distance yourself from this person. She should not really be repeatedly probing someone to find out their feelings about her, or anyone, if the person hasn't brought it up themselves. It sounded like she pushed so hard that the original friend didn't want to admit her mates made it up so she just said yeah to make it go away. And it also sounded like your daughter agreed to something that she wasn't comfortable with or sure about just to please her friend, which is also really unhealthy. I'm not victim blaming, what these girls did was wrong and unfair on your daughter, but your daughters reaction is a bit worrying

Yeah and she regrets it so is the original friend a keeper? To be fair though she didn't just say yeah she went full on and kept probing dd "do you feel the same"

OP posts:
Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 09:09

SussexLass87 · 12/04/2025 08:51

Don't you think it would have been a good idea to mention that your daughter has SEN?

My children are ND and they need a lot of support in social interactions, I think you've been really quite negligent in exposing your DD to these confusing and overwhelming social dynamics.

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It is in her records but the support thing might lead to her being further ridiculed.

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 12/04/2025 09:13

CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 07:53

Dd doesn't really get what relationships actually mean but she has always been a late bloomer

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At 16 that is more than a 'late bloomer' tbh. Does she have additional needs? That would make a difference in terms of 'bullying' to my mind

Dearover · 12/04/2025 09:14

CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 08:56

Yeah and she regrets it so is the original friend a keeper? To be fair though she didn't just say yeah she went full on and kept probing dd "do you feel the same"

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I really don't understand why you are still struggling to see what's going on.

No, "the girl" isn't a keeper. No, you should not be encouraging this friendship. No, friendship groups don't talk about dating their besties. No, friends don't use others for entertainment.

They know your DD is vulnerable and are bullying her. Your job as a parent of a vulnerable teenager is to stop your DD from being a victim and get her away from these girls. None of them are her genuine friends.

arcticpandas · 12/04/2025 09:14

Support as in a sounding board to help her read people's intentions. She obviously talks to you so I would take it you could help her navigate relationships. That being said, are you ASD as well because you sound pretty unaware of group dynamics and the risks of being bullied?

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 09:17

arcticpandas · 12/04/2025 09:14

Support as in a sounding board to help her read people's intentions. She obviously talks to you so I would take it you could help her navigate relationships. That being said, are you ASD as well because you sound pretty unaware of group dynamics and the risks of being bullied?

Yes I am not diagnosed but I think I am

OP posts:
TappyGilmore · 12/04/2025 09:25

Just tell your DD to stay away from all of them. It’s quite possible that the first girl was genuinely nice and did like your DD, but the group as a whole are bullies and this one girl isn’t going to pick your daughter over the group.

arcticpandas · 12/04/2025 09:30

CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 09:17

Yes I am not diagnosed but I think I am

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OK, so she would need another person to help her out with this and who she feels she can trust. I am sorry you have been given a hard time here OP. You being ND (possibly) explains alot. People can interpret your absence of dealing with this as they would have as you being lazy/neglectful while you in reality have problems navigating relationships yourself.
Is there anyone in your family who can help out with this? Does your daughter see a counsellor who she can talk to? This must be very stressful for you OP, I'm sorry. Some of the smartest People I know are ND but they are very clueless socially and really need help to separete the "good and the bad eggs".💗

Onlythemother · 12/04/2025 09:42

I get that you don't want to believe that the girl is complicit in the bullying of your DD because that will be hard for your DD to take, but that is the reality.

You can't shield her from this. You shouldn't want to shield her because in ignoring the signs of abuse you set her up to be taken advantage of and abused in the future.

What you can do is teach her resilience. Yes it hurts when people are shit but we are ok, we bounce back, it feels awful but we recover and heal.

SussexLass87 · 12/04/2025 09:46

CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 09:09

It is in her records but the support thing might lead to her being further ridiculed.

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I mean that you could have put in your OP that your DD (and now I see yourself) are neurodiverse.

Your daughter needs support from trusted adults (e.g you) to navigate confusing social situations.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 12/04/2025 09:57

CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 07:31

The other members never outright treated her badly sometimes like she's entertainment but not like in a hurtful way before this.

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I'm truly sorry for your daughter, OP, but it does sound as if both you and your daughter are quite naive. If they were using her for entertainment, i.e. laughing at her not with her, then none of them are nice, including the "friend". I had a very similar situation at the same age but 50 odd years ago. I was part of the It crowd, until suddenly I wasn't . It's a horrible feeling, not knowing how long people have been being nasty about you behind your back. But I mustered my dignity, walked past them into school and to my amazement, found there were other people who wanted to be my friend and who I had much, much more in common with. Believe me, I wasn't a confident or tough shelled girl, but I did it and my last 2 years at school were my happiest.

Planetmonster · 12/04/2025 10:04

I think you should encourage your DD to pick up her hobbies or start a new hobby so she’s busy and doesn’t dwell on what has happened. None of these girls were good friends and they might have been using your DD for sport. It’s tricky to tell.

also you need to get you and your dd some extra support to deal with the ASD. Are there some local groups you could go to? Look it up online.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 10:08

TappyGilmore · 12/04/2025 09:25

Just tell your DD to stay away from all of them. It’s quite possible that the first girl was genuinely nice and did like your DD, but the group as a whole are bullies and this one girl isn’t going to pick your daughter over the group.

Yes that's what I thought too

OP posts:
crumpet · 12/04/2025 10:20

Look, these girls are not friends.

Dd should be discouraged from thinking that they are, and not encouraged to hang out with them. The girl who does seem a friend may well be nice, but she is clearly not strong enough to make the other girls stop, and is weak enough to stay with them rather than dump them for their shitty behaviour to be a proper friend to your dd.

help your dd to find other friends, even outside school, rather than be the butt of their jokes.

DoYouReally · 12/04/2025 10:54

You need to start teaching your daughter that there are people in life who are good for you, treat you well and are well intended but there are also the opposite.

You need her to realise she has a value and if people doesn't make her happy, treat her well and respect her, then she's better off without them

It won't be the last unpleasant incident in her life but she needs to have the self confidence and self esteem to deal with these things. If she feels good about herself, she will become more resilient and won't get bother by this sort of nonsense.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 10:56

MissDoubleU · 12/04/2025 08:24

Is it possible your DD maybe does like this girl. Or at least did? If she was entertaining the idea of them being a “thing.” It’s unlikely your DD thought it meant just being “besties”

Either way, it’s all very Mean Girls and I would advise watching this with your daughter.

I highly encourage your daughter to go back to school and sarcastically say “Must be because I have a biiiig lesbian crush on you!” And laugh heartily back at them.

Show quote history

The sarcastically saying it does sound funny to her but would it backfire?

OP posts:
Onlythemother · 12/04/2025 10:59

CosyRubyDreamer · 12/04/2025 10:56

The sarcastically saying it does sound funny to her but would it backfire?

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The best thing she can do is ignore them, it doesn't sound like she will have the confidence to pull off a sarcastic comment like this.

Simplynotsimple · 12/04/2025 11:01

It’s you again - the poster who is a teen or pretending to be a teen posting from an adults perspective. Don’t you get a bit bored of doing this?