Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband using OnlyFans

62 replies

psychicbats · 12/04/2025 00:35

Hi all. As a preface, me and my husband have known each other since we were kids. We went to the same school, he was three years above me and we've always had a bit of a connection however he was an absolute man wh*re when he was in his late teens early twenties. Anyway, fast forward to the present, we've been married just under two years but together for six years. He's definitely changed, we have two beautiful children. But Im starting to think he hasn't changed as much as he claims.

January 2024 I found an OnlyFans transaction on our joint bank statement and confronted him about it and he talked his way out of it. But then a few weeks later I looked again on his private account (I know, I shouldn't be snooping) and I found transactions for OnlyFans amounting up to about £100. I flipped my lid and he swore to me he'd never use it again. I have no problem at all with him watching porn but when he's paying a lot of money to look at specific women, I have a huge problem with it.

April last year, we unfortunately suffered a miscarriage, and the day after we found out our angel baby was gone, there were yet again more transactions for OnlyFans, this time amounting up to about £200. Again, I flipped my lid and expressed how hurt and angry I was and he swore on our children's lives that he'd never do it again, and believed him. I said if he ever did it again I'd be asking for a divorce.

This brings me to the evening of the 8th April, so a few days ago, when he fell asleep with his phone open and I had a horrible gut feeling he'd done it again, and I was right. I know I shouldn't have been snooping but when you're gut tells you something you listen. This time he'd secretly taken out a loan and spent it all on OnlyFans, £500 worth. He did it on the evening of our daughters 5th birthday. And then again the night after.

Our sex life is non existent and I think I'm starting to realize why. I have major abandonment issues and I don't want to lose him but I don't think I can look past this again. He's unbelievably apologetic and claims he isn't in his right mind when he does it but how can I believe that anymore? I need to preface this by saying this man is my world and leaving him would crush me.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 12/04/2025 00:37

If this was me, After the first incident he’d be gone. You’ve forgiven the first, second and third incident, he knows you always will and obviously doesn’t care how you feel.

wise up!

Slinkyminky22 · 12/04/2025 00:37

He's a liar and a cheat, he's shown you so many times and you forgive him. He keeps doing it and gets away with it. I'm sorry but it would be beyond saving for me.

PabloTheGreat · 12/04/2025 00:39

Unfortunately you either put up and shut up, or leave him.

He will continue to do this. He's got no consequences has he? He's pretty certain you wont leave him.

So, assuming he will continue to do this, what do you want to do?

Maitri108 · 12/04/2025 00:40

Accept he's going to continue to do it and tell him not to use family money. The alternative is to leave.

Thedogscollar · 12/04/2025 00:43

He hasn't changed one bit by the sounds if it.
You keep excusing him and his only excuse is he isn't in his right mind🤔

You need to think of yourself and your children. You sound young, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man like this.

If the answer is yes then this is what will crush you.

Waggytail · 12/04/2025 00:44

You need to either accept this is the reality of your relationship or leave him. He isn't going to change. Your feelings about the porn and money don't matter to him and he'll keep doing it behind your back because he doesn't care.

You've suffered a terrible loss and you need to prioritise yourself.

Hope things get better for you but I think it needs to be you who initiates that. Don't wait around for him to be the man you wish he could be

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/04/2025 00:46

Advice? He’s a total shit and you deserve so much more.

I’ve been on here since the beginning. Not sure I’ve ever said this before: LTB.

(Trying not to swear a whole lot more on your behalf.)

ShouldIEvenBother · 12/04/2025 00:47

This is who he is. He won't stop. He hasn't stopped so far despite his promises, in fact he's got worse - taking out a loan!

If you stay, this is how it is. Family money down the drain on another other womans fanny. Will he escalate further and pay women to have sex with him? Can you be certain he hasn't already?

You'll never trust him again will you, and nor should you. This sort of thing is a huge problem nowdays - so many men are at it. The internet has made it so, so easy for them to behave like selfish twats and to hell with their families. It's not you OP, it's him. He is the problem 💐

Kinneddar · 12/04/2025 00:49

He's shown you that he has no intention of stopping using OF but then so far there's been no consequences to his lies.

You have 2 options. You accept this is what he is & let him continue or you leave him.

WinterMorn · 12/04/2025 00:54

What you allow is what will continue. Enough said.

Airyfairy99 · 12/04/2025 00:59

You will forgive again regardless what we say ! I feel for you. He won’t ever change despite his promises. Get out now. You won’t tho .

ShineBrighterxx · 12/04/2025 00:59

Oh Babe. That’s really heartbreaking to read. I was thinking how did he worm his way out this the first time, but I know from things not too dissimilar you try to forget rather than forgive.

He’s done this to you again and again though, you can’t even begin to try to forget his actions never mind forgive. He’s betrayed you when you need him the most.

Take some time out to take care of yourself babe, call on your friends, they’ll all be there for you I’m sure and you’ll realise where your heads at xx

Galwaygirlxxx · 12/04/2025 01:22

Who's pictures is he paying for.

500 on only fans isn't just pictures. It's direct video calls apparently

DrummingMousWife · 12/04/2025 01:24

I would be packing his stuff pronto. I wouldn’t have this, he is blatantly disrespecting you and the family you have built

Flidina · 12/04/2025 01:37

He obviously has no respect for you , as he very clearly thinks he can get away with it time and time again, and you will just make excuses for him and believe his lies. He's got serious issues if he's spending that amount of money on this.Think of yourself and your children, he won't change I'd have packed his bags and shown him the door after the first time to be honest.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 12/04/2025 01:43

How long till it's escort's if he hasn't already.

coxesorangepippin · 12/04/2025 01:47

£500 on this shit?? What the fuck.

And I bet you're there doing a food budget

He's paying a woman to take her knickers off

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2025 01:51

Getting into debt for this? After he’s been told time and time again? Just dump him. He’s past saving.

Lindererer32 · 12/04/2025 02:15

As everyone has said, he faces no consequences. He will continue to lie and spend money. He is spending large sums on the sex industry for his gratification. He is a sexual creep.

You either have to put up with it or leave. He's shown you he will continue to lie. You will never fully trust him.

LavenderFields7 · 12/04/2025 02:30

Umm I seem to be the only one that thinks couples counselling is at least worth a shot 🤷‍♀️ breaking up a family, losing a life partner, they seem pretty drastic actions to me. I’m not condoning what he has done but at the same time fixing something if it is broken I think might be worth a shot for the cost of a few sessions of counselling (a hell of a lot cheaper than divorce!). He’s may have some sort of addiction to it and need professional help, he maybe revolted and self hatred for what he does, who knows. Therapy might help you explore that and understand together. Just my opinion.

HAB75 · 12/04/2025 02:43

If this man is your world, then you aren't going to leave him. However, you really need to cultivate another world. You need to feel valued in a different setting. A person should always have an independent sense of self and this is most easily created by doing something fully engaging that doesn't involve the other half. Whether it is a career, a voluntary post or a proper hobby, people need to do something for themselves. Perhaps there is a local charity that works with sex workers - that would be an ideal voluntary role! But jokes aside, you are too invested in this man. It is probably an overhang of an older boy being interested in you, but really, it sounds like school was a while ago. Create a bit of life for yourself outside this relationship, and you'll be able to look at him more objectively. Only Fans is grubby and taking out a loan to spend there is desperately pathetic, whatever the circumstances. The women on that site feel more empowered than most sex workers, not to mention safer, but that is still what they are. It won't necessarily mean you leave him, but a degree of separation would help you to feel stronger. I'm very sorry about your loss regardless.

singlewhitetrashheap · 12/04/2025 02:59

Porn addiction.

There's a book you should read called Your Brain on Porn

It's extremely explanatory. Your husband isn't going to change, and whenever they say they will, it's usually a bare faced lie. I'd be looking at separation.

Your Brain on Porn Book (2nd edition)

Your Brain on Porn has helped thousands of readers to better understand the science of addiction & possible effects of internet pornography

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/about/your-brain-on-porn-book-2nd-edition/

Comtesse · 12/04/2025 03:20

The best part of a grand on OnlyFans? Gross, sleazy and LTB territory.

WhingeInTheWillows · 12/04/2025 03:20

You should seriously think about leaving him. He’s done it again and again, with no thought for you. If you don’t leave then have a look at separating your finances. He’s already spent hundreds and borrowed a lot of it. If he keeps on that way he could be thousands in debt so make sure that debt isn’t yours too.

outerspacepotato · 12/04/2025 03:48

"this man is my world and leaving him would crush me."

This is the what, fourth time you've found he's lying and cheating and you've only been married 2 years.

You can do the same old and check his phone and have big fights where he promises to change and you rugsweep and not one thing will change.

Or, let him lie and cheat and take out loans to spend cheating with other women in peace. He's not just looking, he's interacting with other women. Don't check his phone. Ignore it. Work harder to pay off his cheating debts. Get regular STI checks if you have any sex with him. Accept he's still the guy he was in school and he hasn't changed one bit.

There's better worlds out there.