Husband using OnlyFans

[psychicbats]

Hi all. As a preface, me and my husband have known each other since we were kids. We went to the same school, he was three years above me and we've always had a bit of a connection however he was an absolute man wh*re when he was in his late teens early twenties. Anyway, fast forward to the present, we've been married just under two years but together for six years. He's definitely changed, we have two beautiful children. But Im starting to think he hasn't changed as much as he claims.

January 2024 I found an OnlyFans transaction on our joint bank statement and confronted him about it and he talked his way out of it. But then a few weeks later I looked again on his private account (I know, I shouldn't be snooping) and I found transactions for OnlyFans amounting up to about £100. I flipped my lid and he swore to me he'd never use it again. I have no problem at all with him watching porn but when he's paying a lot of money to look at specific women, I have a huge problem with it.

April last year, we unfortunately suffered a miscarriage, and the day after we found out our angel baby was gone, there were yet again more transactions for OnlyFans, this time amounting up to about £200. Again, I flipped my lid and expressed how hurt and angry I was and he swore on our children's lives that he'd never do it again, and believed him. I said if he ever did it again I'd be asking for a divorce.

This brings me to the evening of the 8th April, so a few days ago, when he fell asleep with his phone open and I had a horrible gut feeling he'd done it again, and I was right. I know I shouldn't have been snooping but when you're gut tells you something you listen. This time he'd secretly taken out a loan and spent it all on OnlyFans, £500 worth. He did it on the evening of our daughters 5th birthday. And then again the night after.

Our sex life is non existent and I think I'm starting to realize why. I have major abandonment issues and I don't want to lose him but I don't think I can look past this again. He's unbelievably apologetic and claims he isn't in his right mind when he does it but how can I believe that anymore? I need to preface this by saying this man is my world and leaving him would crush me.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

He’s your world? This sleazy, cheating, lying lowlife who is taking money from his children to spend on god knows what horrible interactions with an online prostitute is ‘your world’? You are not kids at school any more. You are an adult and a mother and you and your children deserve better.

I wouldn't be able to forgive him, but I agree with the therapy suggestion if that's what you're considering. I really don't think you can trust him again- it's multiple times that he's done it, and far too much money.

Therapy won’t fix him. He won’t choose to fix himself. OP you need to address your abandonment issues because they are forcing you to cling to this deadbeat. You should leave him—that is courageous movement, not abandonment.

When you say you have no problem with him watching porn, don’t you think that’s the direct line to this? Acceptance of one makes it easier for the other. Raise the bar.

People don't change. Once a wh0re, always a wh0re.

I’m not particularly bothered about porn either, other than the ethical side of it, but I absolutely would be bothered if he was paying for one on one interactions. It’s so creepy and sleezy. I have no idea what you get on Onlyfans for £500 but the fact he’s taken out a loan to do it suggests he has a problem. If you are really determined to stay then I agree that you both need to go to therapy. You have repeatedly set totally reasonable boundaries, which he has then ignored and lied about. You need help with enforcing those boundaries and he needs help to understand why he is self sabotaging like this. Destroying your marriage for the sake of a wank is ridiculous, juvenile behaviour.

Is he getting into debt for another woman? I couldn't forgive that.

He has taken a loan for sex content? (Porn is free so he is clearly going for very specific things if he is keen to pay 500€ on OnlyFans and go into debt for it.)

He is grim & willing to get his family into debt for his sexual satisfaction. I also feel men who use OnlyFans are total creeps, as I find porn a lot less personal as it’s rarely about a specific actress, and more about the scenario, OnlyFans is 100% about the person and how far you are willing to go to feel you have access to them/their body.

Your husband is a creep who doesn’t respect women (you to start with) is that the kind of example you want for you kids?/for your daughter? He is also completely unilaterally making financial decisions without consulting you that could greatly impact you and your kids.

Honestly I wouldn’t even attempt to save my marriage. I would just bin the man and completely separate my finances from him.

He might be your world but you’re not his.

He’s conducting his sex life with other women and he’s paying them for it. He is morally repugnant and thinks a woman’s body is a commodity that can be bought for him to use. He’s proved repeatedly that he has no intention of stopping. He is a liar and a cheat. This will not change. Is this who you want to spend your life with? Is he a role model for your children? Don’t you deserve so much better?

this man is my world and leaving him would crush me.

Staying with him will crush you even more.

You asked for advice
The best advice is to reconsider your future with him and raise your bar. You are telling him that you accept his behaviour.

If you are adamant that you want to stay with this lying cheat who will get you into debt then you need to do the following:

1. Get watertight contraception
2. Get an STI test because I'm not convinced he hasn't already cheated
3. Go back to work full time if you haven't already and make sure you are financially independent by keeping your finances separate. Do not subsidise his porn addiction

Well you are wrong.

Leaving him won’t crush you. Staying with him will utterly destroy you.

My guess is that he’d eventually cheat in real life now he knows how forgiving you are. And you’ll end up in debt facilitating all this. I’d split before your kids get any older. Good luck x

He took out a loan to fund his porn habit? You're not happy AND he's now in debt?

What else there to say really 😁

You either need to accept that he will continue to use only fans and get into debt to do so, or leave. He’s not going to stop.

He is clearly addicted. He is going to keep doing this shit and he is going to keep lying about it.

I would leave now before he blows all the family finances on this shit and leaves your self-esteem in tatters.

I said if he ever did it again I'd be asking for a divorce

This isn’t true though, and he knows it. So he’s going to continue doing it because you’ve shown that as much as you dislike it, this isn’t a boundary or a dealbreaker for you (regardless of what you say verbally).

He’s not going to stop. Honestly it sounds like he has a problem if he’s taking out loans for this. There’s no point believing any apologies & “it won’t happen again”. He’s shown you that it will. You need to leave, or if you stay (I wouldn’t) then you need to accept this isn’t going to change.

Did your relationship progress quite quickly? You say you've been together 6 years and have a 5 yo child. Was this planned?

You sound like you have him on a pedestal tbh, which isn't a good thing. From what you've said sex has always been a big part of his life, then he gets into a relationship/pregnancy fairly quickly and is expected (rightly) to knock his cock wandering ways on the head which he hasn't done, he's just hidden it.

There's been no consequences for his actions. You find out, confront him, he talks his way out of it and you move on until the next time. This will be a rinse and repeat argument. Either accept it or end it. He won't change, it's who he his.

You need to do what you said you do - I said if he ever did it again I'd be asking for a divorce.

Why are you putting up with this?

When your children are adults and their partners show such despicable levels of betrayal, what will you want for them? Stay and let themselves wither and decay inside? Time to pull up your big girl pants and see him for who he really is. His behaviour towards women when he was a young adult and what he’s doing now indicate he hasn’t changed he just has to mask it - but he’s not even very good at that.

I don’t know how you can even bear to look at him, let alone live with him or have him anywhere near your kids.

I feel like I need a shower after just reading about the sleazy twat.

He’s not ‘your world’. Trust me, kick the filthy bastard out and ‘your world’ will burst into colour, like when Dorothy stepped into Oz.

Ugh.

You said if he did it again you would divorce him. He didn't believe you.

He has done it again and even worse gone into debt to be able to do so.

Seriously divorce him.

No therapy will sort this.

I can't believe this is even a question. LTB!!!

This is unforgivable. A £500 loan and spent the lot of OnlyFans???

You would be an utter, utter fool to stay with this piece of shit. He’s a proven liar and he does not care one jot about you or your children.

I need to preface this by saying this man is my world and leaving him would crush me.

Well, you’re not his.

He doesn’t care and he knows you won’t leave, so your choices are turn a blind eye and hope he doesn’t plunge you all into poverty when he wanks away family money, or leave.