Husband using OnlyFans

[psychicbats]

Hi all. As a preface, me and my husband have known each other since we were kids. We went to the same school, he was three years above me and we've always had a bit of a connection however he was an absolute man wh*re when he was in his late teens early twenties. Anyway, fast forward to the present, we've been married just under two years but together for six years. He's definitely changed, we have two beautiful children. But Im starting to think he hasn't changed as much as he claims.

January 2024 I found an OnlyFans transaction on our joint bank statement and confronted him about it and he talked his way out of it. But then a few weeks later I looked again on his private account (I know, I shouldn't be snooping) and I found transactions for OnlyFans amounting up to about £100. I flipped my lid and he swore to me he'd never use it again. I have no problem at all with him watching porn but when he's paying a lot of money to look at specific women, I have a huge problem with it.

April last year, we unfortunately suffered a miscarriage, and the day after we found out our angel baby was gone, there were yet again more transactions for OnlyFans, this time amounting up to about £200. Again, I flipped my lid and expressed how hurt and angry I was and he swore on our children's lives that he'd never do it again, and believed him. I said if he ever did it again I'd be asking for a divorce.

This brings me to the evening of the 8th April, so a few days ago, when he fell asleep with his phone open and I had a horrible gut feeling he'd done it again, and I was right. I know I shouldn't have been snooping but when you're gut tells you something you listen. This time he'd secretly taken out a loan and spent it all on OnlyFans, £500 worth. He did it on the evening of our daughters 5th birthday. And then again the night after.

Our sex life is non existent and I think I'm starting to realize why. I have major abandonment issues and I don't want to lose him but I don't think I can look past this again. He's unbelievably apologetic and claims he isn't in his right mind when he does it but how can I believe that anymore? I need to preface this by saying this man is my world and leaving him would crush me.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Why have you made this sleazy liar you world? Why have you put this porn addled idiot on a pedestal? I’m a bit confused by your acceptance of porn where many women are trafficked and it’s non consensual content. The fact he thinks women can be consumed as a commodity and he has never stopped should tell you everything you need to know. I would not be bringing children up around a man with so little regards for women and girls.

Well your choice is that you leave him or you accept that he’s going to keep doing this, because he’s clearly not going to change. The fact that he’s gone into debt over it is very worrying.

You said when you met him you knew he was a man whore, you knew and expected him to change, he didn’t and won’t because that’s who he is.

Agree with others he isn't going to change. If he was serious that it was some sort of addiction that he wanted to stop, he'd have arranged intensive counselling, taken action to stop it happening eg giving you his cards. I'm guessing he hasn't done any of this. It will happen again and again. So I think the only advice that people can give you is work on accepting it, or work on leaving. There isn't really any other option. Sorry

So he is essentially spending money on a w*nk to other women? Money that could be put towards a family holiday or something for your children? Your money, their money? And not investing anything into the relationship he has with you? And these amounts are getting bigger each time and he isn’t stopping. He’s lying about it.

Yes, I would kick him out. Send him back to live at his parents’ house or on his mates sofa. There needs to be a consequence for him or the situation will just continue as it is. Then apply for single person council tax discount, and universal credit if you need it, and to the child maintenance people. And take half of all your joint money (at least half, because you will have the kids with you). Then see a solicitor.

First post nailed it.

As a couple of other people have said, this seems like a sex/porn addiction. The fact you’ve said he did it after you lost your angel baby suggests to me that he uses it as a way of managing his emotions. This is extremely difficult to navigate because the addict is the only person with the power to get help and make change. You could suggest that he seeks some support but have clear boundaries in place if he chooses not to do this. There will be an awful lot of hard work ahead of him, but people do recover. I have been in a relationship with an addict and it was the hardest thing to leave, but we can’t fix them. This is his responsibility, and he will need to decide whether you and the family are worth losing over this. I’m sorry, OP. This is really hard.

So how many times was that he swore to you he’d never do it again… and then did it again? And these are only the times you know about.
I personally wouldn’t be able to find a way back from this. A man who has to take a loan to pay for his sexual perversions has a problem.

I think this sex addiction therapy for him first - have a look at Paula Hall website. It is possible to come back from this but he needs to recognise his problem and get help to manage it. One other thing I would say is it must come from him, it’s not your problem to fix - he needs to do the work and you make the consequences of not doing so very clear. My stance would be get help, do better and then I will see how I feel.

I said if he ever did it again I'd be asking for a divorce.

You gave a consequence, OP. Follow it through.

I said if he ever did it again I'd be asking for a divorce.

You don't need advice. You've already set your boundary and he has already shown you he doesn't respect you. You've already told him the consequences. So follow through.

Although, I'm also one who would end my relationship the first time i discovered it. Talk his way out of it? No. And I know people say its not that easy but I ended my marriage immediately when I discovered my exh had signed up to no strings sex sites. No evidence of having met anyone. Just a profile.

I had two children, wasn't working and had no family support or suspicions at the time.

He swore in his kids lives and then did again agin. What a prize he is.

You say you’ll leva him if he does it again.
You know you’ll forgive him. He knows you’ll forgive him. He’s got no incentive to change.

This will happen again and again. Sorry, you’re worth more.